My Alleged Husband

Chapter 2273: Chapter 2106: Our Past

Perhaps, how cruel a fairy tale it is. The lies betray the lies, so ridiculous and even sad.

Old Master Zhang heard Xia Jing say this. He now has no way to write about what his daughter-in-law is really like. He only knows that his daughter-in-law has completely lost her sanity and won’t listen to anyone now.

”Child, I know, no matter what I say now, you won’t listen, but I hope you understand, everyone has their own responsibilities. The greater the responsibility, the more they carry on their shoulders. Do you not know what you should be doing now? Living like this, lost, would he be happy seeing you like this? Maybe you don’t realize that no one wants to see you suffer. We are all your loving family. Even if you’ve lost the whole world, you still have us!”

”Since the day I lost her, I have lost the whole world. What difference does having you make? What you bring to me is never what he brought me. No matter how I force a smile with you all, I am always longing for him inside. Longing is a pain that breathes, and I suffer over and over in painful gasps.

Actually, I am not a Saint. I just want to live happily. I want to give those who love me a joyful and stable life. But I truly have no way to comprehend. I know I’ve made many, many mistakes. I also know I have suffered so many hits in this life. I know there’s no way I can make up for it all this lifetime. How can I mend a heart that was hurt? I’ve hurt the ones who love me the most. I can never forgive myself this lifetime!

Every one of you has experienced this pain. Why can’t you understand my feelings right now? How desperate I am, how much I resent. If it weren’t so excessive with what I did back then, how could he possibly leave me? Time and time again of regret makes me truly have no means of forgiving myself this life. I am moaning in pain; I only know that this life can only be like this. I linger to survive in this world, not for anything else but anticipating someday in the vast sea of people to meet her once again. By then he may have married and started a family, but all I want is to see him just once from afar. As long as I can see him happy, I can lose everything. I’ve truly recognized my wrongs; I don’t know how to bring everything back to what was lovely again. I’ve lost her, lost the entire world. Reflecting on the pain I once brought him, I’m even less than a beast...”

”Mom, I hope no one ever brings up this matter again in the future. Since we have chosen to live like this, whatever happens, let’s accept it calmly; why bother reminiscing about the past events again? Don’t you know if your actions were known by father, how upset he would be? He could abandon me, his son, and grandfather, the whole family for you. He could even disregard the family’s century-old reputation just to be with you. Do you really turn a blind eye to those sacrifices? I believe you’re not so hard-hearted, not the kind of person who would disregard the big picture for selfish desires!”

”Since you’re not that kind of person, why do you disguise yourself as that to let everyone in this world misunderstand you? Is that truly meaningful? Living like that would only make you suffer scorn. You’re truly kind, willing to give up a lifetime’s happiness for someone who loves you. You’re the world’s most foolish and stupid woman. I don’t know how as your child I have any right to speak like this to my mother. But mom, everyone is living in this world, each bearing the responsibility for their past efforts. I don’t know how to persuade you. I know how painful your heart is, but also hope you’ll consider every one of us in the family. You being so sullen makes everyone feel uncomfortable. If father sees, he will be even more worried about you. I’m worried he might act more impulsively if he sees this. You wouldn’t want to see him hurt, would you? Actually, you have feelings for him over these years. Even if there’s no love, such long companionship surely brings about feelings!”

”You’re wrong. Through these years, I have no feelings for him. Even accompanied for many years, I have only affection for him like a brother. I’ve never seen him as my lover. I have no way to see him as the one I love the most because my actions made the one I love the most leave me. I can only live in regret this lifetime. How could I easily love someone else? I’ve said before that if my love with her failed, I would absolutely never lightly fall in love with another this lifetime. Perhaps I’ve already destined my existence to linger on desperately. I can only repeatedly rely on my own persistence to live in this world. My mission is only to see him someday. 𝑓𝑟ℯℴ𝓂

Maybe you all think my actions are truly foolish, but do you know? This is what it means to truly love someone else deeply. Only when she left me did I realize how deeply I was involved. I have no means to make amends, nor to explain to him. All I know is that this lifetime she would never want to see me again. But I truly, truly long for him. For him, I’ve exhausted all efforts to make up for the mistakes I’ve made, but ultimately, all I can earn is others’ scorn. I have no means. I repeatedly, expect heaven to give me a chance, let me make amends for every mistake I’ve committed before. Even if I have to use my life to make amends, I will not relent. But ultimately, I found myself powerless. Heaven gave me a chance, that is to linger on desperately alive, watch as the person I love the most leaves me repeatedly, grows further away from me, yet I can only stand in place silently shedding tears, have no means to change any outcome. This is heaven’s finest revenge on me!

Perhaps people like me are meant to bear such burdens, to live a lifetime with no joy, to exist in pain all their life, forever to struggle in a dark abyss, never able to climb out, so that this lifetime can only wait in loneliness!”

Life’s desired happiness always has to be earned by oneself.