My Alleged Husband

Chapter 1602: Chapter 1396: The Courage of Love

”Alright, since you’ve said so, then I must listen carefully to his explanation. If his explanation cannot satisfy me, then I will absolutely not be lenient towards her!”

”Dad, actually your heart should understand my feelings very well.

I dare not admit it, and I don’t know how to explain these things to you, but you should hear it clearly, right? I loved my first love very much; I was willing to give up everything for her. I could stand at her door waiting for him for days and nights; I could freeze to death there, yet I was not willing to give up on him. I repeatedly gave up all my dignity to beg him to stay by my side, but in the end, he still left me resolutely. I don’t know what kind of reason pushed me to such an extent, nor do I know how much I loved her to let go of my pride that I was so proud of.

Dad, during that time, I could disregard everything, just hoping to stay by his side. I could abandon all the things I loved most in the world, I could forsake my principles, just to be with him, I could even disregard my own life for her. During that time, I learned to run red lights, I learned to drown my sorrows in alcohol. I ended up in the hospital time and time again. I don’t know how to express my love for him; perhaps the way I chose was wrong. Whenever he quarreled with me, I always thought about doing things to provoke him. But I didn’t realize that my actions were only pushing him further away. I really regret it. If I had another chance, I wish I could go back to that time. At that time, I would definitely hold his hand tightly, so that he could never leave me.

You all always think I’m silly. Whenever I foolishly smile at my first boyfriend, it’s not because I was born that way. It’s just because I love him; I don’t know how to express my love for him, so I can only smile at her time and again. But he thinks I’m a deep and scheming person. But who could know my inner despair? The person I truly love from the bottom of my heart inexplicably left me, making me live in regret for the rest of my life. I am tortured by my guilt over and over again, getting startled awake by nightmares in the middle of the night, yet who can understand how tired my heart is from living? No one can feel my pain!

I know, saying these things is unfair to my husband, but I really need to say it. If I don’t say it this time, perhaps I’ll never have another chance to clarify everything. Everyone is fair. Heaven gave me, others love me, but I completely lost the one I love the most. If this is the case, then why do I need heaven to mock my age again and again with these jokes? I don’t want these repeated jokes; I just want to stay softly by his side, but why does God treat me this way time and again? Is it because I’m repeatedly contradicting God?

You always say it’s because time can rewind, that if time rewound, you could go back to do this or that. Don’t I wish for the time to rewind too? If time could rewind and I could be with him, then I would rather never step into your son’s life for my whole life. I do not want this either, but I am truly driven to desperation. I have no way to let go of my dignity. I have repeatedly discarded my pride, but what did I get in return? Since then, I have elevated myself no matter what people say about me; I would never lower my head again. No matter what I did wrong, I would never admit it. I would rather let everyone point fingers at me and criticize me than let anyone look down on me. I would rather let everyone hate me than ever love someone wholeheartedly as I did before because I can’t afford to love again. My heart has been wounded since the day my first love left me, losing all its luster. I have endured countless days and nights in the cold wind waiting there, watching and expecting him to come out to meet me one last time. But why do I always end up with heartbreaking results?”

Old Master Zhang fell silent; he too didn’t know what to say. It turned out that all these had causes and effects, the cycle of cause and effect. In this lifetime, he hadn’t obtained anything important, and now he has aged; some things can’t be changed.

”Child, I know some things cannot be changed; the paths everyone walks will eventually become the past. No one will change because of the path they once walked, feeling regret, then can start over again. The journey every person once chose only has Guizhou, no one in this life is smooth and successful; in the end, who did not spend it in tears and regret? You feel guilty, I know; in fact, I am like you, I have had almost identical experiences, my heart is pained too. But I have never given up on living because I know only by living happily can he truly let me go. But I never thought that I would face future heads-on with smiles time and time again, but in the end, the world chose to completely throw me aside like a clown, never caring about my feelings. I’ve longed for the heavens to give me another chance again and again; I would do something that makes others feel the difference. Life is too overwhelming to live for a lifetime, and why should I let myself become so exhausted? All I want is a happy life, but why am I repeatedly given painful answers? I just want to live my life in peace and stability, but why does heaven play this painful joke on me repeatedly? I suffer incredibly, and what kind of result did I get in return? Others have never felt what pain is in my heart!

Actually, everyone wishes time could rewind, because the things lost with time are always the happiest and most joyful days in one’s heart. No one thinks about how long this life would leave oneself, and everyone always yearns for the originally most peaceful and simple life!”