My Alleged Husband

”We’re all adults now, and you ought to understand some truths that many children can’t grasp. Often, respecting those who have passed is a basic moral decency, you know. They’re now beyond saving, and if you insist on keeping her in this world, it will only cause her tremendous pain. Do you understand? Being full of tubes, on a ventilator — that feeling is truly agonizing. Every day, you can’t move on your own, relying entirely on machines to maintain vital signs. The moment you fall away from those machines, your life will spiral into madness. Do you realize that feeling can make you fall apart inside? Perhaps you’ve never considered what your grandfather really thought; all you think about is your own wishful thinking.”

”Yichen, it’s easy for you to talk without feeling the pain. What if one day, your grandfather ended up like mine, full of tubes and relying on a ventilator to survive? Would your heart still be as strong as it is now? Could you still stand here and say these things to me as if nothing mattered? You should really try to put yourself in my shoes. Whenever you say these things, my heart aches. I watch helplessly as my grandfather lies there, wishing the person on that bed was me. Every time I see my grandfather constrained by those machines, unable to move, it makes me feel terrible. Do you understand?” Lei Jian said to Zhang Yichen, ”I know we are brothers, though not bound by blood. We are closer than many biological siblings, do you understand? I don’t know if you can comprehend my feelings. My heart is in so much pain. How could I ever accept the sudden departure of a loved one who has been so kind to me?”

Zhang Yichen sighed. He thought his brother had a point. If it were his own grandfather lying there, life dependent on a ventilator, surely his heart would ache, too. His grandfather had been so good to him; even though he had once hit him, his grandfather had always been supportive and never thought to hurt him. Whenever he had to make a decision, his grandfather had been unconditionally supportive. But if one day his grandfather truly left him, what would he do then? He couldn’t live without his grandfather. He was more important to him than his own parents because his grandfather had been by his side for over a decade, watching him grow up, giving him everything, and training him to succeed. He could not let his grandfather, who had nurtured him, suffer even a little bit. Although he was now in his nineties, he still hoped he would live safely past a hundred. Seeing his grandfather continue living would fill his heart with joy, not sorrow. But the thought of that day coming frightened him. What would he do when it arrived?

”Actually, don’t think that I’m unaffected when I speak. Sometimes I worry, and I’m scared that my grandfather will end up like yours, lying motionless. I dread that day’s arrival. That’s why I want to comfort you. If it were my grandfather lying here, I would feel even worse than you because my grandfather has been even better to me than yours has to you. Don’t you know? When a loved one departs, it means they are reincarnating in another world. He is riddled with disease in this world, full of pain, unable to live happily. Perhaps leaving is his only relief, free from all suffering and able to live joyfully in another world. But for those of us remaining here, it is torture to watch helplessly as our loved one leaves us. The feeling is one of utter helplessness. Sometimes we must learn to grow on our own. Without experiencing hardships, how could we ever see a rainbow? If we don’t bravely traverse these difficult obstacles, how can we grow? I know that it’s a predetermined outcome, but when it comes, it’s unacceptable to anyone. I also know what kind of man your grandfather is. You should understand that it’s already extraordinary that he lived so many years on your mother’s donated kidney. Sometimes you should consider another perspective; for your grandfather, leaving this world wouldn’t bring him regret. He has lived until today with his daughter’s kidney, yet he never knew whose it was. Don’t you think your grandfather should feel happy now? Because with another kidney, he lived many more years and watched his grandson grow up. Do you think your grandfather is unhappy about that?”

”Alright, I know what to do now. Maybe after a while, my mother will begin to see things more clearly. Time changes and is the best medicine for healing pain. I’m not yet able to give you a definite answer, because I still can’t accept the reality of my grandfather leaving. Seeing him like this, I still can’t live happily. After some time, when my emotions have settled, I’ll come to find you. I’m grateful that you came to comfort me today, helping me understand that some outcomes are fated and beyond my control. It’s not like I can give Grandpa another Christmas, is it? He already received a kidney from my mother. Knowing that the kidney he has lived on came from his daughter would be an enduring pain for him. If he were to find out, he would leave this world with regret and remain unrested in death...”

”You understand, and that’s good. Once you see everything clearly, you won’t be hurt by anything anymore, and you will become truly indestructible. I won’t say much more, my wife is pregnant, and I need to go take good care of her. If you need anything, just call me, and I’ll come to see you!”