My Alleged Husband

Chapter 2246: Chapter 2079: Pretending

The flowers in the wind carry away yearning—who is silently mourning, unintentionally proving that you and I are not meant to be.

Zhang Zhentian heard his father say these words to him, and she suddenly recalled the times in the past when she became unscrupulous because of certain things. To destroy those who stabbed her in the back, she spared no effort, repeatedly sending everyone into the abyss of life’s suffering, leaving them with no way to ever escape the pain.

”Dad, living this life is really tiring; no one wants to live so meticulously. I also want to live freely and without constraints, but I have never been able to live happily. My life has been too painful. In the eyes of others, I seem to have glory without limits. I keep avoiding the outcome I want the most, but is it truly so? Who understands my inner bitterness?

I never thought that one day I would live such a weary life. I just want to live peacefully, without so much pain, without such emotional exhaustion, at least to be able to grow old together with the one I love. But in the end, I found that everything I wanted was just a dream, what I desire appears to others as nothing but a joke.

I exerted all my strength, climbing up step by step by any means necessary, just to be with the person I most wanted to be with, to live a life without regret. But in the end, I still brought harm to everyone around me. Everything I did was never right; looking back, I realized that everything I did was wrong.

Dad, it’s rare that the two of us can sit together like this today, having a sincere heart-to-heart talk. Do you know how much I long to live happily, how much I long for the day when I can live joyfully with my family? But in the end, I get nothing, so what if I return to this home? Very few sincerely wish for my return, because of the words I’ve said and the things I’ve done, I’ve chilled their hearts!

I understand more than anyone what the saying ’there is no greater despair than a dead heart’ means. I’ve made mistake after mistake, yet I’ve never realized where I truly went wrong. Even my apologies were superficial. I never pursued the ending I wanted the most, and in the end, I found that the mistakes I made amounted to nothing more than a joke to others, a punchline, while they mock me, not knowing how much I gave.

These years haven’t been easy, but I’ve always silently consoled myself, no matter what mistakes I made, no matter how much I lost, as long as I stuck with what I wanted most at heart, one day I would achieve my desires, get what I wanted most. But in the end, I got nothing. Instead, I repeatedly brought harm to my family.

I know, ultimately it’s me, the son who is useless, who cannot make you happy no matter what I do. No matter what I do, I can’t make my child feel proud because he has a father like me. On the contrary, over these years, the pain I’ve brought to my child, maybe in his eyes, my existence is a shame. I’ve never given him any fatherly love; instead, I burdened him with unbearable suffering and torment that other children wouldn’t have to bear, but he did.

Old Master Zhang suddenly didn’t know what to say. How should he respond this time? Was everything his son did truly all wrong, not a single thing right?

In truth, he didn’t even know. He didn’t know how many mistakes his child truly made; he didn’t know the level of pain his child endured without ever receiving a bit of relief, a bit of compensation.

”Child, if some things have already passed, then let’s let them dissipate with the wind, and neither of us should bring them up again. We have said many times that what we want most between each other is to hold on to our inner beliefs. Don’t hurt those you love most in your heart over unnecessary matters.”

”Dad, I have thought about whether I have to bow my head to the world and admit the number of wrongs I committed, and whether that could change the outcome. Would acknowledging all the pain I caused make you all completely forget it and no longer suffer even a bit?

But in fact, it won’t. No matter what I do, deep down you will never forgive me, because the harm I once brought you is something you can’t deal with in this lifetime. I’ve become numb. I no longer know what I want. I’m already like a walking corpse; I forgot what I’ve wanted most in life; I lost the person I loved most in this lifetime. But each mistake I’ve made has to be borne by myself; no one else can help me take on all these wrongs.

As time goes on, I always thought I would grow up slowly, but in the end, I found that I will always be a child who never grows up, always wanting to be loved and protected by others. But in the end, I could only cause harm, over and over again, hurting everyone who loved me the most, making them feel once and again disgusted and despairing towards me!

A desperate life is indeed terrifying, and now I am a desperate person, feeling despair both in myself and in my life. I don’t know what extreme behavior I might commit next; I don’t know what I should do to recover the things I most want to save.

Sometimes, scary thoughts pop up in my mind. I wonder if sacrificing my own life could reclaim everything I want to get back. But in the end, is that even possible?

You know better than anyone that this is just my wild fancy. Even if I lost my life, I might not be able to recover the one I love most in my heart!”

Old Master Zhang couldn’t help but sigh; throughout time, love has been the greatest source of hurt. Unexpectedly, his son too ended up wounded all over by this word. How can his son win back the one he loves most? He’s willing to give up his life, yet even that can’t change her mind. Perhaps their marriage is now only nominal.

Perhaps the two have long lost any connection, merely remaining in this home for the last shred of dignity...

This love ultimately buried deep in the heart becomes sorrow; the roses have lost their fragrance in the end.