My Alleged Husband

Chapter 701: Chapter 671 Grasping for Breath_1

Old Master Zhang heard what Xia Jing had said, and now he had no way to describe what his daughter-in-law looked like. He only knew that his daughter-in-law had completely lost her sanity and couldn’t hear a word anyone said.

”Child, I know that no matter what I say right now, you won’t listen,” he said, ”but I also hope you can understand that everyone has their responsibilities. The greater the responsibility, the heavier the burden one carries. Don’t you know what you should be doing now? Living like a lost soul, do you think he would be happy to see you like this? Perhaps you don’t realize that no one wants to see you in so much pain. We are all your loved ones who care about you, and even if you lost the whole world, you still have us!”

”From the day I lost her, I already lost the entire world. What difference does it make to have you all? You can never bring me what he brought to my life. No matter how I force a smile when I’m with you, my heart aches for him, and missing him is a breathing pain. I gasp for air in agony over and over again.

In truth, I’m no saint. All I want is to live happily. I want to give those who love me a joyous and stable life, but there’s simply no way for me to cope. I’ve made so many mistakes, and I’ve been hit by too much in this life. I know I can never make up for everything. How can I heal a wounded heart, and forgive myself for hurting the person who loved me the most? I’ll never be able to forgive myself in this lifetime!

Every one of you has experienced this kind of pain, so why can’t you sympathize with my feelings at this moment? How desperate I am, how much I resent my past actions for being too excessive, leading him to leave me. The regrets that I can never forgive myself for make me groan in pain. I know that for the rest of my life, I’ll be left just surviving in this world. I’m here not for anything else, but for the chance to see her again in the vast sea of people. And even if by then he has a wife and children, as long as I can catch a fleeting glimpse of him and see him happy, I’m willing to lose everything. I truly understand my mistakes now, but I don’t know how to redo everything to make it as wonderful as it once was. Having lost her, I’ve lost the whole world, and thinking about the pain I’ve inflicted on him, I am lower than a beast...”

”Mom, I hope none of us will bring this up again in the future. Since we’ve chosen this life, let’s accept it calmly. Why bother dwelling on the past? You know that if Father ever finds out, it will hurt him deeply. He was willing to give up his son and his own father, even the entire family and the clan’s century-long reputation, all for your sake. Are you really blind to his sacrifices? I believe you’re not heartless or selfish enough to overlook the bigger picture!”

”Since you’re not that kind of person, why fake such an appearance, letting everyone misunderstand you? Living like that, you’ll only subject yourself to others’ scorn. You’re actually very kind-hearted, willing to sacrifice your happiness for the sake of someone who loves you. You’re the silliest and most naive woman in the world. I know I have no right as your child to speak to you this way, but Mom, everyone lives carrying the responsibility for their past efforts. I don’t know how to persuade you, and I know how painful it is for you, but I hope you’ll consider every member of our family. Seeing you so dejected hurts us all. If Father sees you like this, he’ll worry even more, and I’m afraid his reaction might be rash. You don’t want to see him get hurt, do you? After all these years you must have feelings for him, even if it’s not romantic love, companionship over years should have led to affection, right?”

”You’re wrong. I’ve had no romantic feelings for him all these years. Even after all this time, I’ve only had familial love for him. I’ve always seen him as a brother, never as a lover. I can’t see him as the one I loved most, because my actions drove away the one I loved most. How could I easily fall in love with someone else? I’ve said that if my love with her failed, I would never easily fall in love with someone else. Perhaps my life is doomed to just survive, living only by my obsession, waiting for the day I might see him!

Perhaps you all think my behavior is foolish, but you know what? This is how someone shows their love for another person. My love for her was too deep, and only when she left did I realize how deeply I was trapped. I can’t make amends, I can’t explain myself to him, and I know she never wants to see me again. But I miss him so much... For his sake, I’ve tried my best to atone for all the mistakes I’ve made. Yet in the end, all I can attract is scorn from others. I have no way out. Over and over, I’ve hoped that fate would give me the chance to right every wrong, even if I had to sacrifice my life to do so. However, in the end, my only chance is to struggle to live, watch the person I love most leave me time and again, getting further and further away, while I can only stand there silently weeping, powerless to change the outcome. This is the best revenge fate has given me!

Maybe someone like me deserves to carry this burden, to live without happiness for the rest of my life, to always live in suffering, struggling forever in the depths of darkness, unable to find a way out, destined to wait alone!”