My Alleged Husband

Chapter 724: Chapter 694: Can’t See the Fingers When You Reach Out_1

”Zhentian, yes, we have been through a lot together over the years, and I am aware of the kindness you’ve shown me. It’s not that I’m oblivious. Time and again, I took your kindness for granted, but I forgot that you too needed something in return from me. Do you know that?”

”Every time I saw you looking at me with hopeful eyes, only to end up disappointing you again and again, do you have any idea how painful that hurt was? I never once worried about you—did you know that? I only knew that because of you, time and again, I gave up the life I wanted most. I gave up the person I loved the most, and that has been the greatest pain of my life. When I wept silently after getting drunk, just like you said, in a sky so dark I couldn’t see my hand before me, every time I secretly looked at photos of us together in bed, do you know how much my heart ached? No one knows the sins and torments I’ve lived with over the years; I’ve turned myself into the very image of my heart’s affliction, time and again.”

”I’ve also been forcing myself to become different, coercing myself to be the person you wanted me to be. But there are some things I truly can’t manage, and I don’t have any way to change. You know, this time I may have really hurt you. But do you understand? I’ve fallen so deeply this time, there’s no longer any way to recover.”

”I know that whatever I say to you right now, you simply won’t listen. But do you realize that I never once expected any return for the kindness I’ve shown you over the years? All I have ever wanted was your genuine, devoted love. Is that so difficult? Why do you always wait until you’ve lost something to regret it? Why must you miss out on all that’s important, time and again, before realizing the grave mistakes you’ve made?”

”My love for you is undeniable, and it has never changed. But do you know how much I wished you could just be happy? I’ve regarded you as the love of my life, time and again. Yet why won’t you give even a shred of that love back to me? If you shared even a sliver of your love with me, I would be eternally grateful to you. I would give you everything, my wholehearted devotion. It’s not that I’m demanding too much. All I want is to hold you safely in my arms, to let you fall asleep against me peacefully, do you understand? Whenever you fell asleep in my arms, do you know how happy I was? How fervently I prayed that the greatest happiness of my life would be to have you as my wife? Yet, I failed to see the pain I caused you, time and again, which left me so passive, so embarrassed!”

”If you still have a shred of regard for me as your husband, then please, stop doing these things. Can’t we just leave each other an out? Must you make everything this awkward, this passive? I wanted us to be together, just as you wanted to be with the person you loved most. I never thought that one day, the woman I loved most would betray me behind my back. Do you know that some betrayals are lifelong and cannot be forgiven? But you keep doing this, time and again. How do you expect me to feel?”

”Right, maybe you think none of this is very important. But do you know how I knelt before her, banging my head repeatedly, praying for her forgiveness? Why then did she still cruelly reject me? She said if I kept kowtowing until dawn, she might consider being with me again. As I repeatedly knocked my head on the cold floor, do you know how much my head hurt? I was numb, I didn’t know how I weathered it, waiting for her to say just one word, to let me stand up. But it never came. All I ended up doing was spending that night in his arms. But did you ever consider how much I suffered, that maybe for the rest of my life I wouldn’t be able to hold her hand, that perhaps I could only wave goodbye? What I wanted wasn’t much, just a peaceful life. All I wanted was to be with her, you see? Why must fate deal with me this way?”

”I can’t deny that I made mistakes in the past, but I never imagined that one day I would endure such agony. I once fantasized whether I could be like Empress Wu, whether I could unite the world under my rule, but in the end, I realized that whatever I did was wrong!”

”I’m tired, tired of begging him repeatedly, abandoning all my principles, again and again, turning into a walking corpse, just to be in his presence. I had to force myself not to cry, telling myself that as long as I smiled happily, that would be enough. But I never thought that after being with him, I would cry so bitterly, in such pain!”

”My tears, my blood, no longer move him. I just know that I’m begging him, pleading with her, head after head knocking on the ground. But in the end, he remained indifferent. Maybe this is what I was always meant to endure. I once said I would accept his indifference in exchange for my past, and took it willingly. But I never thought this day would come so soon. What should I do to fully mend her shattered heart? For the rest of my life, I would bleed myself, take my own life for him, forsake my own existence, my own blood. How much hurt I have felt, you never considered the inner torment I’ve endured my entire life. It’s so hard, seeing him before me with no way to reach him. Desperately, I grab his hand, begging him not to leave...”

”Enough, stop talking. I don’t want to hear any more of this. Everyone has been through pitch-black nights. Why must you bring it up over and over again? Do you even know that mentioning these things only tortures and hurts me inside time and again? How much I care, how much I want to keep you by my side, but you...”