My Alleged Husband

Chapter 718: Chapter 688 Love Him Without Regret_1

Zhao Jing felt that her husband was really foolish, foolish to the core. Even after everything she had done, why did he still choose to be with her? Could she really be that worthy of his love? She had hurt him over and over again, but he seemed not to care about the wounds she inflicted. Instead, his love for her grew more intense, more relentless. Was what she was doing right or wrong? She had given up her family for a man who had no relation to her anymore, casting doubt in the mind of everyone in her family. What did she really want out of this life? And who could possibly understand how painful, how sad, her existence was?

Why was fate so unfair to her? All she wanted was a man she loved, a man for whom she’d give everything, sparing no cost. Why, no matter what she did, would he never choose to stay by her side? Was she truly that repulsive to him? Everyone has their way of living, but inevitably, she had hurt him through her actions. How could she possibly get him to return to her? The repeated pain was unspeakable, and yet, her life was filled with such sorrow too.

”Actually, I really can’t understand why the heavens are so unfair to me. The one I love most sincerely is not willing to stay by my side, yet the person I despise the most keeps reappearing before me. Could it be that I’m destined not to have the life I yearn for? Are my actions truly that disgusting to everyone? Why am I never able to receive love from others? Why must my life be filled with such sorrow and pain? Isn’t it better to live a simple life? Why force myself into a dead end?”

I really don’t understand what I should do to return everything back to the way it was originally. The repeated heartaches have left me without any means to stop the unending pain. What I want I can never have, yet what I don’t love keeps coming back to me. How much I regret everything, how much I care, everyone lives for their own desires, but I have lived for others. I have never lived for anyone else, I have never lived for myself, but I’ve always lived for the person I love the most. His happiness was my happiness, his pain was profoundly mine. Every single emotion of his affected every nerve in me, and I’ve become numb. I don’t know if what I’m doing is right or wrong. Everyone has the right to make their own choices, so why do I keep making the wrong ones, never achieving what I really want? Am I really so undesirable?”

”In fact, it’s not that there are no people who love you in this world, but you have lost both the person you love and the person who loves you due to your own actions. You’ve never thought about the pain your actions bring. Again and again, you numb yourself to the core, always feeling that what you’ve done is right. But do you know how much pain everyone feels? How heartbreaking and difficult it is for every living person? I really don’t know what to say anymore. The repeated pain has slowly numbed me, and my heart no longer belongs to me. Every nerve now relates to his emotions, and my life has been devoid of any joy.”

Don’t think about the things you shouldn’t have. Everyone has their own desires. Perhaps in this life, this unrequited love will force you to live in the abyss of suffering, preventing you from ever escaping. But behind every bout of sorrow, who cares about your feelings? When you are in agony, where is he? Does he suffer just like you, deep inside? Yet he is never willing to meet you because he has grown to hate you. His heart bears no love for you, only deep hatred. But the love you have for him is etched into your bones, deciding the shape of your life!

You love him so much, but does he realize how much you’ve sacrificed for him? You’ve disregarded your own life time and again, but does he really know? Does he know that you would give up your own life for him? Why do you let yourself become so numb? Why insist on being hurt over and over again, living a life filled with inescapable pain? Everyone has their way of living; don’t you realize that sometimes giving up might be the best thing for you?”

”How could I not know that giving up is the best thing for me? But I can’t let go of him. Again and again, I allow the depth of my heart to be so painfully afflicted. I never attain what I desire. The days I spent with him were the happiest of my life. For him, I would risk my life, suffer alcohol poisoning, be admitted to the hospital, all just for a chance to see him. Can that be wrong? Is loving someone truly a mistake? I don’t want anything else. I just wish to stay by his side, hoping to see him happy every day because of my presence, not someone else’s. Actually, I am quite selfish—if I can’t have what I want, I’d rather destroy it than let anyone else have it.”

Maybe human nature is that selfish. For so many years, no one knew what kind of pain I would face in life. Again and again, my existence turned unspeakably bitter. What do I really want? What I ultimately crave is for the person I love the most to return to my side. The missed chances, the excruciating pain, have shaped who I am now. The suffering doesn’t matter, nor does my life. All I care about is whether he will come to see me. Nothing else matters but whether he can be with me. Everyone really lives such a sad and tiring existence. There are no people who don’t get tired, no lives that aren’t exhausting. Perhaps being alive is the key to tiredness!”