My Alleged Husband

Chapter 1743: Chapter 1537: The Impossible You Spoke Of

It was once you who told me that there could never be anything between us, yet you still came to my side. If I had known earlier that it would end up like this, maybe it wouldn’t have hurt so much.

”Do you really think I don’t want to let go of all this pain? It’s not that I don’t want to let those things go; it’s that I really can’t. I’ve had to endure all the pain deep in my heart, time and time again. All I want is a peaceful life, but my life is repeatedly thrown into chaos. Can I not blame anyone for that? Am I supposed to willingly endure all this suffering? I watch helplessly as everything changes before my eyes, as the people I care about are taken away from me. Do you know how much that hurts? No one has ever thought about how piercing that pain is. You all think the decisions you make are right, but what about me? Am I supposed to deserve being abandoned by you, my parents, again and again, to be hurt time and time again?

You say you aren’t a Saint, so what about me? Am I supposed to be a Saint? You’re exhausted, and so am I. Everyone is tired of living. But I really don’t want to be this tired. Do you know how painful it is to be this exhausted? I just wish I could sleep and never wake up again; maybe that’s the life I truly want. To hide in a pitch-black coffin, never having to fear the darkness again because I’ve completely surrendered myself to it, and when there’s no chance of ever escaping, everyone will finally be at peace. All you want is for me to leave this world and leave you. You only feel secure and happy when I’m gone, because you can’t give me what I want, and I can’t give you what you want either. To you, everything I do is wrong. No matter what I do, you can’t see my goodness, because deep in your heart, I will always be a bad child!

To gain your understanding, to prove that I am the strongest one, I’ve worked step by step to where I am today. Do you know how much hardship and pain I’ve endured? When I see everyone laughing and having fun, what am I doing? I’m fighting with all my might to move forward because I want everyone to know that I am not the worst. I want my family to know because your abandonment shaped who I am today. This outcome you see now is because of you abandoning me, numbing me, turning me into someone ruthless.

You are my parents; how can you bear to treat me like this? I am your child, and what do I get in the end? You bring me nothing but despair again and again, harming me time and time again. What benefits do you think you truly gain?”

”Child, your father knows how exhausting these years have been for you, but who hasn’t been tired? Like you said, everyone alive is exhausted. The only way not to be is to be in a coffin. But can’t you let go of these things now? Do you not realize that the moment you let everything go, you will feel light and no longer bear such pain? This is the outcome we all want. Why must you persistently hold onto the past? What good does it bring you to grasp onto things knowing they will bring you unbearable pain, all while you continue wanting us to return to your side, despite knowing that we’re the ones pushing you into the abyss time and time again?”

”Father, if I could let go, I would have done so long ago. Why continue clinging to the present? What outcome has persistence brought me? Do I really not know deep down? Do you really think I’m living happily and joyfully? My pain is no less than yours. I keep suppressing all the despair in my heart. All I want is a stable life, but in the end, I get nothing, because I understand that to you, no matter how much I give, it’s worth nothing. I can only keep proving myself over and over. I have to show everyone that I am indeed the strongest, so that I might be worthy of your acknowledgment and prove that I am the best. Then you won’t be so ruthless in discarding me. I just want my parents to stay by my side. Is that wrong?

I’ve given so much. I’m the kind of person who doesn’t cherish what I have when it’s there but realizes how important it is once it’s gone. Yet, their hearts are not with me, and no matter what I do, they won’t even look me in the eye. He retaliates against me over and over, causing me excruciating pain time and time again to avenge the hurt I once caused him. While he gets his sweet revenge and laughs heartily, I can only cry silently to myself. I know men don’t cry easily, but no one knows how deeply I am in pain. I’ve constantly suppressed all the anguish in my heart. All I want is to live happily, but what have I gained in the end? Nothing. Instead, all I’ve gotten is a body full of scars!

Father, can you understand how painful it is for me? Can you comprehend it? I am your child. Why do you treat me like this? I genuinely can’t understand what kind of mindset you had when you decided to abandon me, to abandon everyone in our family. What were you truly thinking inside? Are we, the family, not worth more than the so-called freedom and happiness you seek? After all these years of roaming free, have you truly found what you wanted? Not at all; instead, you have lost your family. You’ve destroyed everything you had with your own hands. Now that you’ve returned, I still accept you because I truly long for my parents’ love. But despite my repeated efforts, this is the result. I can’t remain indifferent; I can’t ignore everything I’ve witnessed. I’ve endured again and again, but I can no longer bear it. I’m about to collapse, to turn into a demon, to lose my sanity. I’ve driven myself to this point step by step. I’ve wrecked with my own hands the peaceful end I once longed for.

All of this because, in the end, it only proves how foolish I was, reducing myself to who I am now. Who could ever know how much pain lies deep within my heart? I truly can’t let go!”

When lonely and helpless, I remember someone, but perhaps we have long forgotten each other...