My Alleged Husband

Chapter 1712: Chapter 1506: Longing

For a long time, I kept asking myself deep inside, am I truly happy? Even if they say they’ll come back to me, I still have to live my life.

”Yichen, Dad knows that my abandoning you has caused you indelible harm, but do you know? If it weren’t for being abandoned by your father, how could you have the happy life you have now? I know some things can’t be explained in a few words, but I hope you can trust your biological father this time. We never intended to completely abandon you, in our hearts, you have always been our precious son. As parents, it’s impossible not to love your child, to shut you out again and again, to disown you time and again as my biological son. Do you know how conflicted and painful it is in our hearts? We silently shed tears each time, but you? You’ve reached the pinnacle of life, heights others can’t even dream of in a lifetime. Don’t you feel happy?”

If Zhang Zhentian hadn’t said this, it might’ve been better, but saying it made him feel even worse. Clearly, his biological father was standing in front of him, so why treat him this way? Is it because they abandoned him that he’s supposed to feel happier? Their abandonment caused so much pain, and he never enjoyed any paternal or maternal love. Now, what right do they have to offer such grandiose reasons for him to happily forgive them?

”You think that over the years without you, I’ve been happy and joyful, but do you know how much torment and pain I’ve endured these years? I constantly remind myself that my mom and dad don’t lack love for me, nor did they abandon me on purpose, but were compelled by circumstances. But even though I comfort myself time and again, I am lying to myself, you know? I’ve gradually become numb, I’ve believed every word everyone in the world says, that my parents love me, their biological son, no matter when or where. As long as their biological son needs it, they will spare no expense for it.

You think your leaving was the greatest happiness for me, but do you know how hard life has been for me? Do you understand what it feels like to deceive oneself? Do you understand when you know something is impossible, yet still, tell yourself it’ll happen, that your parents couldn’t have been so heartless? What do you feel inside?”

Xia Jing felt her heartache hearing her son speak this way. She never imagined that her son had lived so hard, day by day passing like this. Each time she thought about how he deluded himself these past years into believing his parents loved him, she felt even more anguish, realizing all these consequences stemmed from her actions. Why must all reasons be pinned on her child, causing him such pain? If time could rewind, no matter what, she would not have resolved to abandon him. The result is seeing her child in unbearable pain, which hurts more than a knife to the heart.

”Son, it’s me, as a mother, who is sorry to you. If I had known our relationship would turn this bad one day, no matter what, I wouldn’t have left you. Leaving you is my biggest regret in life. I know all children want their parents with them, but you lacked parental love for so many years. Life must’ve been tough, taking one step at a time on your own to where you are today. How can we be entitled to say such heartless things to you? We just wanted you to live a joyful life. As parents, if our child lives happily, then nothing else matters to us.

All we want is for you to be happy. For us, nothing else is of concern. As long as you live happily and joyously, nothing else matters for mom and dad. But when we chose to give up everything to return home to accompany you, at that moment, we understood clearly that nothing in the world is more important than our own child. A child values whether their parents accompany them. Your father and I did so much wrong over the years. It was a huge mistake not staying by your side, leaving you lonely for so many years. You must hate us, right? It’s understandable to hate us because we abandoned you, causing so much harm. If you don’t hate us, we wouldn’t believe it. No matter whether you hate us or not, or how your heart views your dad and me, we will always consider you our most beloved son, a fact that will never change in this lifetime.”

”Mom, you really don’t need to say that. Deep inside, I never blamed you. You gave me life; if it wasn’t for you, I wouldn’t have today’s achievements. I’m truly grateful to you. But sometimes, do you really think I’m so happy? Do you think after being abandoned by my parents, I could still live happily? Although I have a wife who loves me deeply, a son I love dearly by my side, and my grandfather, my parents never spent a day with me. For me, that’s a pain, a pain that can’t be erased in a lifetime. Do you know what this pain means?

The feeling is self-evident. I don’t even know what tone to use to describe it to you. It hurts so much!

Your decisions hurt me and ultimately turned me into what I am today. Yet now you come to me trying to placate me, what do you think that feels like? If it were you, wouldn’t you think this is all a charade, not really caring about these things? Do you think my heart feels good? Everyone should put themselves in others’ shoes. Don’t think your so-called happiness means happiness to me. Am I truly happy?”

Gradually, I understood everything clearly. What happiness is, what family means, what warmth is, I no longer yearn excessively as I used to.