My Alleged Husband

Chapter 1740: Chapter 1534: Decision

Old Master Zhang heard Xia Jing say this, and now he has no way to write about what kind of person his daughter-in-law really is. He only knows that his daughter-in-law has completely lost her mind and won’t listen to anything anyone says.

”Child, I know that no matter what I say now you won’t listen, but I also hope you can understand that everyone has their own responsibilities. The greater the responsibility, the more burdens one carries. Don’t you know what you should be doing now? Living so lost like this, would he be happy to see it? Maybe you don’t realize that no one wants to see you in such pain. We are all your family who love you. Even if you’ve lost the whole world, you still have us!”

”From the day I lost her, I’ve lost the whole world. What does it matter if I have you? You can never give me what he did. No matter how hard I try to smile with you, I’m always thinking of him. Longing is a pain that breathes, and I’m constantly gasping in agony.

Actually, I’m really not a Saint. I just want to live happily, to give those who love me a happy and stable life. But I really have no way to understand. I know I did a lot wrong, and I know I’ve taken too many hits in this lifetime. I know I have no way to make up for it all. How can I mend my own wounded heart? I’ve hurt the person who loves me most, and I can never forgive myself for that, ever in this life!

You’ve all experienced this kind of pain. Why can’t you feel what I’m feeling right now? How desperate I am, how resentful. If back then I hadn’t acted so extremely, how could he have left me? Regretting again and again, so much that I have no way to forgive myself. I’m groaning in pain. I know I’ll be like this my whole life, barely surviving in this world. I’m doing it for nothing else but the hope that one day in the vast sea of people, I can meet her again. By then, she might be married with children, but if I can just see her from afar and know she’s happy, I can lose everything. I have truly realized my mistakes. I don’t know how to make things as beautiful as they were before. I lost her and lost the whole world. Reflecting on the pain I caused him, I’m worse than a beast...”

”Mom, I hope that from now on none of us bring this matter up again. Since we’ve chosen this life, we should just accept it, why dwell on the past? Do you know how sad dad would be if he knew? He was willing to give up me, his son, give up grandpa, give up the family’s century-old reputation, all to be with you. Are you really going to ignore that? I believe you aren’t someone with a heart of stone. You aren’t someone who would ignore the bigger picture for selfish reasons!”

”Since you’re not that person, why pretend to be and let everyone misunderstand you? Is really that meaningful? Living like that, you’ll only endure others’ scorn. You’re actually very kind. You sacrificed your lifelong happiness for someone who loves you. You’re the silliest and foolish woman on earth. As a child, I have no right to speak to my mother this way, but mom, everyone is living their lives. Everyone is bearing the responsibilities for their past efforts. I don’t know how to persuade you, but I hope for the sake of our family, you consider how miserable you look. No one would feel at ease seeing you like this. If dad saw you, he’d be even more worried. I fear that he might do something impulsive. You don’t want to see him hurt, right? Deep down, you do have feelings for him, even if it’s only from years of companionship.”

”You’re wrong. I’ve never had any feelings for him all these years, only familial love. I’ve always seen him as a brother, never a lover. I can’t see him as the person I love most, because the person I love most left me because of my actions. I’ll live in regret my whole life; how could I ever easily love someone else again? I said once that if my relationship with her failed, I wouldn’t lightly start another one. Perhaps my life is destined to barely survive like this. My mission is to hopefully meet him one day!

You might think I’m foolish for acting this way, but do you know? This is how someone loves someone else. I loved her so, so deeply. It was only when she left me that I realized how deep I fell. I can’t make amends or explain to him. All I know is that she’ll never want to see me in this life. But I miss him so much. I’ve tried everything to make up for the mistakes I’ve made, but in the end, I can only attract others’ insults. I’m helpless, constantly hoping heaven gives me a chance to amend every mistake, even if it costs my life, I’d willingly do it. But there’s no way. Heaven gave me one chance, which is letting me barely survive and watch my dearest person leave me again and again, farther and farther away. I can only stand in place and cry silently, unable to change anything. This is heaven’s best revenge on me!

Perhaps someone like me should bear such a burden, ensuring that I never find happiness, ensuring I live in pain my whole life, that I always struggle in the dark abyss and never get out, ensuring I can only wait alone in this lifetime!”

Loneliness isn’t the only way out; everything has to be borne alone, no one can share it with you!