My Alleged Husband

Chapter 1441: Chapter 1236: That’s How We All Got Through

No one’s life is a smooth sailing through what they desire, it’s always a journey filled with bumps and rough patches.

Zhang Yichen now feels that his father’s experiences over the years outside have been a vibrant and colorful journey, experiences he has never had. He also wants to go out and wander a few times, live recklessly for himself at the ends of the earth. But over the years, in his quest to prove himself to the world as a good man, he has forgotten what he truly desires in the end.

”Dad, you know, when I hear about your life experiences, deep down inside me, I admire you the most. I respect you more, as you can live recklessly outside for so long, live carefree regardless of everything at home just for your happiness. But I can’t. My whole life, I’ve been running around for the family, I’ve never known what it’s like to live alone, I have never tried to live by myself!

Maybe it’s because our experiences are different, so our attitudes towards everything differ as well. You lived happily and freely outside for these years, you were happy, free and untroubled. But me, I’ve been here accepting devil-like training and during that time, I really hated you guys. I’ve said this more than a hundred times, I’ve told the world I truly hate you. I don’t want to admit that you are my parents because you were never by my side. All you’ve given me is hurt. As parents, you never fulfilled the responsibilities a parent should, instead you repeatedly hurt us. Perhaps, deep down inside, I am not even worthy of being your son.

It’s precisely because I’m afraid deep down you think I’m not worthy of being your son that I’ve given my all. I’ve spent my youth, my time, my childhood all on training because I want you to know I really am your son, I’m worthy of being your son. But are you truly worthy of being my parents? Deep down inside, you know better than anyone that you are not the most suitable people. There are so many parents in the world better than you. Even poor parents can stay by their child’s side, no matter how hard or tiring it is. But you guys?

You are a bit unwilling to stay by your child’s side at a hint of trouble. You’ve treated your child like a weed you can take or discard whenever you feel like it. Where have you placed me, your son? What position have you given me in your hearts? From the start to now, I don’t know just how much weight I hold in your hearts because I can’t understand why you’d rather wander outside than stay by my side. Is staying by my side so painful for you? Or do I always only deserve this in your heart?

Mom and Dad, there are some things I really don’t want to repeat time and again, because repeating only hurts my own heart once more. Whenever I think of those years you abandoned me, whenever I think of the childhood I painstakingly went through alone while enduring others’ ridicule, the pain in my heart is like a knife cutting it.

But I can’t help it. I really have no way of easily letting go of all the things from before. You can ignore everything that happened before, treat the past as if it never occurred. But I can’t, because those were pains inflicted on me by others, the anguish laden upon me!

I really wish time could rewind, more than anyone, I wish time could go back a little, and I wouldn’t have to live so hard like now.

Just a slight retreat in time, and I could live happily, joyfully. I surely wouldn’t give up my childhood, letting it live in painful memories. Now, when I think back to those things I went through, the bits and pieces of my childhood, I can hardly believe it—was that really a child’s childhood? Why were other children’s childhoods sunny and bright while mine was dark and damp?

All were children, why was there such a big gap between my childhood and theirs? Just because I was born into a rich family, must I accept the fate of being abandoned by my parents, accept falling again and again, then standing up strongly, face all the ridicule with a smile?

I’m unwilling, truly unwilling. You are unwilling about many things, why can’t I be unwilling once too? I put in so much, why is the final result like this? If I had known this outcome, why would I have chosen to be born into your womb back then, why did you give birth to me to bear such pain?”

”Child, stop saying that. We know how you’ve been over the years. You lived very hard and tough. Everything you have is from your own effort. You didn’t ask anyone for anything. It’s precisely because of this that deep down as your parents, we feel more heartache. We never thought we’d bring you such pain. We just wanted you to live a stable, peaceful life.

But why in the end did I bring you such pain? Time and again, being your parent has become meaningless. I no longer know how to give my child a happy and peaceful home!

You’re right. As parents, indeed we are not qualified, because we haven’t fulfilled any responsibilities towards you. Even more, we brought you a lot of pain. Can you hate me inside? But don’t vent your anger on your mom. Your mom had no choice; she was forced by me. She never intended to abandon you; she never intended to give up on you, her biological son. That time, she held onto you. I was pulling her away; she was unwilling to let go. Because you are the child she bore with great pain and effort for ten months, connected by blood!”

”It really doesn’t matter who forced it. Today, I just want to express all these years of thoughts from deep inside. I don’t want to keep myself trapped in a small room forever. I don’t want my entire life to be lived in painful memories. I just want you to know, I’ve forgiven you. If I hadn’t forgiven you, I would never say these words to you, because I have no duty, no responsibility to make you put down your guilt deep inside!”

When I could only endure silently alone, at that time, I really needed someone to accompany me, but I was utterly alone.