My Alleged Husband

Chapter 1432: Chapter 1227: Worthy Deeds

We always end up doing things we don’t want to do, but no one ever thinks about the pain in their hearts.

”Dad, I never thought of living this way, nor did I think of hurting you like this. Doing such things is the deepest pain in my heart. I just wanted to give you the best of myself again and again, but I couldn’t do it myself. I don’t understand when I turned into who I am today, I pushed myself step by step into a corner, and in the end, I realized that everything I did was wrong.

You’re right, no one did anything wrong to me, and no one betrayed me. The one who betrayed is not you, but me. I gave you the heaviest hurt again and again. I forgot that it was you who gave me the warmest family, who taught me what family love is, what love is. Step by step, I reached where I am now, and I can’t distinguish which one is the real me. I’ve lost my true self, and my once-held beliefs have changed, I’ve become numb and indifferent!

Maybe I really should learn about what a man should and shouldn’t do, but all these years I have never been ashamed of my heart, the only ones I’ve let down are you whom I’ve hurt. Do you know? These memories are my most painful. I pushed myself to the brink again and again because I was afraid to face you, afraid of the pressures these things bring upon me time and night, yet I never cared about your feelings, I overlooked them, this is the greatest mistake of my life!

As a father, deep down you should hate me, for I, as your son, never showed you any care, any help. On the contrary, I gave you much sadness and pain. Time and time again I imposed my burdens on you, abandoning everything I didn’t want. Deep inside, I had no perception of the world. I never considered what I could and couldn’t do.

Sometimes I just wish for a peaceful life, but why is it so difficult? Who have I wronged?

Is all the hurt and pain I’ve endured deserved, a rightful punishment? Is the hurt I imposed on you all my mistakes? Are all my actions truly unforgivable? In your eyes, those of the world, saying anything means nothing. Giving everything again and again leads to nothing. In your hearts, I am nothing, not even a member of this family. I pull myself up from the abyss of pain time and again, hoping for happiness and a fulfilling life, but in the end, all I find is hopelessness once again!

I truly don’t know how many more of these days and nights I have to go through. I don’t remember how many such days and nights I’ve already endured. Under mental torment, I live resiliently, fighting to keep going because I’m afraid I’ll completely collapse if I relax for a moment. I dare not let my taut nerves relax even slightly. I’ve turned myself into a wooden man, void of emotion, with just a blank face.

When everyone thinks I’m a wooden man, when everyone believes I’m unfit to be considered a man, I have not given up on my dreams. Because I know deep down in my heart, even if I can let go of everything else, these are the things I must care about. I want to turn everything about myself into the best possible things in the world. I want everyone who looks down on me, like my son, to bow to me time and again. But I can’t do it, my abilities don’t match my son’s. My energy doesn’t match his. I can’t keep up with anything. I don’t know how he does it, but I know he’s endured much hardship and suffering behind the scenes, faced others’ torment over and over. I can’t fathom how much heartache it must be.

You are my father. I long again and again for your warm response, for you to let me stay in this warm family, even if the final result leaves me with wounds and makes me leave alone. Even if I can only hide in a corner, heartbroken, I won’t give up easily. But in the end, I found no matter what I do I don’t achieve the best results. I always end up passing my most painful memories onto everyone else, burdening them with my pain. I never considered if they would feel pain due to my actions. I just know I did it to take revenge on them, on society, on everyone who ever wronged me, who ever wanted to hurt me!”

Zhang Yichen suddenly realized how terrifying such a father is, it’s almost not like his father. He was originally so weak, but why did he suddenly say such things now? This makes his son a bit flustered and unable to understand.

He doesn’t understand how much pressure he’s put on his father to make him turn out this way in an instant. Everything he did, was it really not wrong? Every time he claimed his father’s actions were so excessive, so damaging to everyone’s hearts, but now thinking about what he said and did to his father, doesn’t that hurt them too? Perhaps people should live by putting themselves in others’ shoes; continually imposing your pain on others will only lead to the most unwelcome results. Those results might seem normal to others, but to oneself, they are the most painful.

”I think none of us should say anything more. Let each of us live the life we most want, without enduring such pain alone. It’s enough if everyone can live happily, why make it so tiring, why let everyone get caught up in a bit of unhappiness?

You are all my family, please don’t hurt each other, for ultimately the ones who get hurt the most are still us, our family!”

In a lifetime, it’s better to be mediocre than to hurt others. All humans are born equal, and we should respect everyone’s life.