My Alleged Husband

Chapter 2370: Chapter 2203: Loneliness

Only until the end did I realize all this was nothing but my own haste!

”Actually, when you left this home at that moment, I felt that you were really quite cruel to your own child. He was so small, how could you be so heartless to abandon him? Did you not consider how difficult his life would be, watching him leave marks of blood with every step, did you know? As an elder, even from the deepest part of my heart, I couldn’t bear to see. I witnessed how he endured those toughest years, watched him grow up, experiencing things no one would ever imagine, yet he never complained.

Because from the depths of his heart, more than anyone else, he understood that complaints wouldn’t solve anything. The outcome of his life was merely the hurt repeatedly brought by his family. If the hurt came from others, he might not care as much, but it was inflicted by his parents, and he couldn’t forget. That was a pain deep in his heart and soul.

If someday, he could view all the issues from his own perspective, he wouldn’t live so tiredly like now.

Perhaps from your perspective, your child’s current state comes from his own efforts or maybe because of the blow you dealt him. Yet who knows, when his parents left, regardless of his age or his understanding of things, it remained an injury deep in his soul. He could never easily forget all this pain. Even if one day, there’s complete trust between you, even if all misunderstandings are cleared, you still can’t return to how things were.

I’m saying these things to you today, not to express anything specific, but just to make sure you clearly understand that from the moment you chose to leave your child, regardless of whether you could come back into his life later, he would no longer depend on you as he did before, nor would he give you all his trust. Because you didn’t trust him that day but chose betrayal. For a child, what kind of psychological endurance must he have to bear the harm inflicted by his parents? It is pain deep within his soul, possibly a wound that he can never heal in his entire life. You have always considered things from your own perspective, but who has ever thought about what he would face as he grows up, enduring coldness and scorn?”

Listening to these words, Xia Jing’s heart was crushed; was this truly the mistake she made? Why would this action bring such harm to her descendants? If she had considered her family a bit more at the time, wouldn’t things have been different now?

Why was she so selfish and self-serving before, why is the pain she caused to her family never erasable? What did she do in the past; for what purpose did she reach this point?

”Dad, I never thought I’d end up here. Step by step, I became this person, even I couldn’t believe it. I dared not admit it. It was the outcome of my actions. I couldn’t believe I caused such heavy harm to my family. In my view, as long as I was happy, as long as my goals were achieved, hurting my family didn’t matter to me, because I didn’t care. But later, I realized it’s not that simple as I imagined. I needed the courage, the responsibility to take on all I should have borne, rather than continually flee; avoidance isn’t the solution.

Now, reflecting on the harm I caused my child, I’m in disbelief that this was something a mother could do; my mind felt numb. I don’t know why I became like this, I don’t know what reason, what cause led me to this irreversible path. Step by step, I made my life different, step by step I reached the peak of my life, but I lost everything. I once thought I had a family, a child, the whole world, even happiness no one else could have. But now it seems, apart from having my freedom, I’ve lost everything else.

If someday I could return to my former self, I wouldn’t reflect like this now. If back then, I had understood earlier, seen through all worldly cares, my actions could have turned toward those I deeply desired. I wouldn’t suffer as I do now. I never thought there’d be a day I’d end up here, once even afraid of a cucumber. I’m lost about which life path is right; I made my life different. If a day came where I could return to my old state, it is surely after I’ve lost my most loved one. I’ve lost everything now, no longer having the courage to venture outward like before. Without the carefree living, life’s courage and capital, I have nothing now. What I have is only my child, but now, he is distant from me. His heart isn’t here with me anymore because of what I’ve done. Even if I were standing alive in front of him now, he might not see me as his mother. For a mom, this is life’s greatest failure. I’m failed to a point where my child no longer wishes to acknowledge me as her mother, even desires to move far away from me, to reject me again and again, to keep me barred from his home.

Faced with such scenes, who among you can grasp a mother’s feelings at this moment? Who can fathom the despair deep inside me now? I am afraid, lonely, every decision I make torments me. I never imagined I’d become someone not quite human, nor ghostlike one day.”

But everything feels like waking up from a dream, emptily standing with nothing in hand.