My Alleged Husband

Chapter 1660: Chapter 1454: Meaning

I never dared to believe that what was originally meant for us in our intimate conversations, you would say the same to a third person.

Life is like this, making us lose what we cherish most again and again, only to realize in the end how much we care about it all. When we once possessed it, no one really thought about what results these things would bring, why everyone is always so selfish, ignoring others’ comfort to pursue their own thoughts?

In one’s lifetime, there will always be encounters with many significant matters, but everyone ultimately only gains these pains. Some people sacrifice everything they have repeatedly, yet no one knows how they have lived through this life.

Who has thought about how they have spent this life? People suffer in pain repeatedly, who has thought about how to endure it all? With one crushing blow after another, who knows about the latest suffering? During the day, I numb myself with work, but come midnight, what can numb me? The longing in my heart deepens day by day, in the end, I have gradually become a walking corpse, not knowing what I should gain, and no one knows what kind of ending I will face.

Perhaps life is just like this, enduring endless suffering and eventually experiencing the pain of separation, but do I even know how I spent this life? People steam in pain over and over, achieving such heartbreak again and again, who knows what kind of harm one will eventually get? Everyone is like this, but ultimately, due to what I’ve done, I’ve trapped myself in the unbearable abyss of life-long pain. Everyone is like this, yet who knows what kind of life they actually want to achieve satisfaction?

Many people’s hearts are inherently greedy. Some people would hurt their closest and dearest by any means for their own selfish gains, but some are willing to give everything for their own happiness and joy over and over again.

Zhang Zhentian really didn’t know how to console his wife. He knew that she was truly trapped in a deep well of pain and couldn’t pull herself out. No one could save her, as she kept waking from nightmares at night. She repeatedly made her life that decision, hurting herself over and over, just hoping the person she waited for in her heart would look back at her, even if only for a day. Should hearts really be this fragile? Why can’t hearts withstand the washing of time, as time has changed everything, making it all seem trivial and helpless.

Xia Jing also understood what Zhang Zhentian thought. After all these years of being husband and wife, how could there be nothing, no thoughts at all? If they didn’t have even a basic understanding, what’s the point of living together for so many years? Even if they did not end up together because of love, after many years of married life there’s always going to be some understanding. Often the one who understands you best is not your friend but your enemy. You may not understand yourself, but do you know how much those with you understand you? They are willing to spend most of their lives figuring you out just to one day knock you down completely, causing you to collapse, yet you don’t understand. Knowing you well might eventually help you. Hearts cannot be exchanged with hearts. Only after being repeatedly hurt and tormented, one finds that all was in vain.

”Xia Jing, maybe whatever I say now you simply cannot hear, but I hope you understand, as your husband, I would never harm you.

All these years, my heartfelt feelings towards you, have you felt none of it? Over these years, I’ve given so much for you, haven’t you felt any of it?”

”Actually, the greatest pain in this world is watching helplessly as the ones you love the most leave you one by one, while you stand powerless. No one can truly understand or empathize with my years of silent suffering. You all consider me an example of selfishness, caring only about my thoughts and concerns, heedless of any opinions others have of me. But do you know? Whenever you face me again and again, do you know how much it hurts inside? Each time you hurl accusations at me, do you know how innocent I feel inside? I also dream of living happily, but there’s nothing I can do!

Over these years I’ve given so much, but what about myself? I’ve received nothing. I gave everything only to be met with his indifference. Do you know how speechless my heart feels? So tired, so tired; sometimes I wish I could close my eyes and never wake up. I want to completely shut down at that moment, leaving me with no way to live joyfully again. I wish to sleep forever and never awaken, but I open my eyes again and again only to find myself in a pitch-black abyss. Do you know that kind of darkness? That kind of void? No one knows!”

”You always think your pain is the greatest in the world, believing that no one can understand it. But do you realize there are countless others who endure the same agony? Each person goes through it. Who, by undergoing such pain time and again, hasn’t forged themselves into who they are today? Though scarred by all these ordeals, understanding there would be no joy in life, do you know how much I care, how much I hope you’ll stay by my side, just as you wish your most beloved could stay with you? I feel the same, in the dead of night, that loneliness and sense of defeat cause my heart to collapse repeatedly.”

Unconsciously, we’ve walked to this point, back then, you casually penned your promises on a card, but now these words have faded with time.