My Alleged Husband

Chapter 2049: Chapter 1842: Always Saying Farewell Until We Meet Again

Even if I’m not worthy of you, I still try very hard to be worthy, but I don’t know how to continue with you!

When Zhang Zhentian heard his father say these words, she suddenly remembered how she once became ruthless due to some things, determined to destroy those who stabbed her in the back. She spared no effort, time and again sending everyone into the abyss of life’s suffering, leaving them with no way to ever escape from the pain.

”Dad, living really is exhausting; no one wants to live so intricately. I also want to live freely and unrestrained, but I’ve never been able to live happily. My life is too painful; in the eyes of outsiders, I seem to have endless glory, but again and again, I hide from the outcome I truly desire. But is that really the case? Who truly understands the anguish in my heart?

I never imagined that one day I would live so burdened, I just wanted to live calmly without so much pain, without such heartache, at least to grow old with the one I love. But in the end, I found that everything I wanted was nothing more than a dream, and in the eyes of others, what I desired was nothing but a joke.

I climbed step by step by any means necessary, just so that I could be with the one I most wanted, living this life without regrets. Yet in the end, I hurt everyone who followed me, and my actions have never been right. Looking back, I find that everything I did was wrong.

Dad, it’s rare for our father and son to sit together peacefully like today and have a heart-to-heart. Do you know how much I yearn to live happily one day, how much I yearn to enjoy life with my family, happy and fulfilled, but ultimately, I achieve nothing? Even if I return to this home, what does it matter? Very few genuinely hope for my return here, because the words I’ve said and the things I’ve done have left them cold-hearted!

I understand better than anyone what the phrase ’nothing is more sorrowful than a dead heart’ means. I’ve made countless mistakes time and again, but I never realized where I went wrong. Even apologizing, I did half-heartedly without truly understanding the outcome I desired the most. Ultimately, the mistakes I’ve made, what do they mean? In others’ eyes, they’re just a punchline—they laugh at me, while I know how much I’ve sacrificed.

These years haven’t been easy for me, yet I always silently comfort myself that no matter what wrongs I’ve done, no matter what I’ve lost, as long as I uphold my innermost desires, I will eventually achieve my wishes and attain what I want most. But in the end, I achieved nothing; instead, I brought harm to my family again and again.

I know, at the end, it’s my failure as a son that is to blame. No matter what I do, I cannot please you; no matter what I do, I cannot make my child proud to have me as a father. Instead, the pain I’ve brought to my children over the years, perhaps in their eyes, my existence as a father is a source of shame. I’ve never given them a shred of fatherly love; instead, I’ve brought them too much torment and pain, things other children wouldn’t have to endure, but they’ve had to endure them all.

Old Master Zhang suddenly didn’t know how to respond; was everything his son did really all wrong, not a single thing right?

He himself didn’t really know either; he didn’t know how many mistakes his son had truly made or how much pain his son had endured without ever getting any relief or recompense.

”Son, since some things are already in the past, let’s let them dissipate with the wind; no one should bring them up again. We’ve spoken many times about the most desired thing between us being to hold onto the belief deep in our hearts without harming those we most care about over some unnecessary matters.”

”Dad, I’ve thought about it, should I humble myself before the world and admit every mistake I’ve made? Would the outcome be different? Would the harm I’ve caused you all be entirely forgotten, freeing you all completely from the pain?

But it won’t happen; no matter what I do, your heart will never truly forgive me, since the harm I’ve caused you is something you can’t overcome in this lifetime. I’ve become numb; I don’t know what I want anymore. I’m merely a shell of a person; I’ve forgotten what I most wanted in life and lost the person I loved most. And every mistake I’ve made, in the end, is mine alone to bear, with no one to help carry the burden.

As time goes by, I always thought I would slowly grow up, but ultimately, I realized I’m forever a child at heart, always wanting to be loved and protected by others, yet ultimately, I repeatedly hurt those who loved me most, making them feel disgusted and despair towards me deep in their hearts!

A life in despair is truly frightening, and now I’m living in such despair, feeling hopeless about my life. I don’t know what drastic actions I might take next; I don’t know what I ought to do to recover what I most desire.

At times, I’ve even had terrifying ideas run through my mind. I wondered if by sacrificing my life, I could recover everything I wanted to. But in the end, is that truly possible?

You know better than anyone that it’s just my wishful thinking; even if I lost my life, it doesn’t mean I could win back the one I love the most in my heart!”

Old Master Zhang couldn’t help but sigh, realizing how much harm the word ’love’ has caused throughout history. Sadly, his son is still wounded, covered in scars from it. What should his son do to bring back the one he loves most? Even if he was willing to forsake his life, he couldn’t make her change her mind. Perhaps their marriage is just in name now.

Perhaps they already have no relationship left, only clinging to the last trace of a hollow title upon returning to this home...

Though I know autumn’s wind will never meet the peach blossoms, I have yet to give up!