My Alleged Husband

Chapter 2030: Chapter 1823: Far Away

”Dad, I never intended to live this way, nor did I ever think of hurting you like this. What I’ve done is my deepest pain. I just wanted to give you my best each time, yet I couldn’t do it myself. I don’t understand when I became like this, pushing myself step by step to the brink, only to realize in the end that everything I did was wrong.

You’re right, no one has wronged me, no one has betrayed me. The person who betrayed was not you, but me. I hurt you deeply, again and again, forgetting that it was you who gave me the warmest family, who taught me what family and love are. As I walked step by step to where I am now, I can no longer distinguish which is the true me. I’ve lost my true self; the original intention I once held dear has changed. I’ve become numb, indifferent!

Perhaps I really should learn what a man should and should not do, but all these years, I’ve never felt guilt, except towards you, for having hurt you. Can you understand? These things are actually the most painful memories in my heart. I pushed myself to the edge time and again because I was afraid, afraid of facing you, afraid of the pressure those things brought me over and over. Yet, I never cared about your feelings; I neglected them. That is the biggest mistake of my life!

As a father, you should resent me deep inside because I’ve never given you any care or help as a son. Instead, I’ve given you much sorrow and pain, time and again imposing everything of mine on you, discarding what I didn’t want. Deep inside, I have no worldview; I never thought about what I can or cannot do.

Sometimes, I just want to live a simple life, but why is it so hard? Who did I offend?

Do I deserve all the harm and pain, am I to be blamed? Is every betrayal and abandonment towards you my fault? Is everything I did truly unforgivable? In your world, no matter how much I give, what am I to you? Not even a part of this family. I drag myself back from the abyss of pain time and again, just hoping to live happily, but in the end, it’s another despair.

I really don’t know how many more days and nights like this I have to endure. I don’t even know how many such days and nights I’ve already endured. Under mental torment, I’m living stubbornly, fighting for an upward life because I’m afraid, afraid that I might crumble once I relax. I don’t dare let my taut nerves loosen even a bit. I’ve turned myself into a wooden person, feeling nothing towards anything, with only a plain face.

When everyone thinks I’m a wooden person, when everyone thinks I’m unworthy of being a man, I haven’t given up on my dreams. Because I know deep inside, I can do without everything, care about nothing, but I must care about these matters. I want to turn everything of mine into the best in the world, want everyone who looks down on me, like my son, to bow to me repeatedly. But I can’t, my abilities are not as good as my son’s, my energy is not as much as his, and everything of mine is insufficient. I don’t know how he’s done it, but I know he’s paid a lot behind the scenes, endured much suffering, undergone repeated torture by others. I can’t comprehend how heart-wrenching that is.

You are my father, and time and again, I long for your warmest response, longing to stay in this warm family. Even if the result is to leave, wounded all over, even if I can only hide alone in a corner in pain, I won’t easily give up. Ultimately, no matter what I do, I can’t achieve the best result. I always pass my most painful memories to everyone, burden others with my pain. I never thought whether others would feel hurt by my actions. I just know I’m doing this to take revenge on others, on society, on everyone who has wronged or wanted to harm me!”

Zhang Yichen suddenly realized how frightening such a father is, this is not like his father at all. His father was originally so timid, so why now speak such words, words that made his son feel terrified and unable to understand.

He doesn’t understand the pressure he’s placed on his father, causing such a swift transformation. Were his actions truly not wrong? Every time he spoke of how excessive his father’s actions were, how deeply they hurt everyone, but now, upon reflecting on what he’s done and said to his father, haven’t those also caused deep hurt? Perhaps people should live by putting themselves in others’ shoes, over and over, suppressing their pain onto others, and only getting the most unwanted results. Those results may seem normal to others but for oneself, are most painful.

”I think none of us should say anything anymore. Let us all live the lives we most want individually, without bearing these pains, and allow everyone to live happily. Why make ourselves so tired, why let even the slightest unhappiness affect others?

You’re all my family; please don’t hurt each other because we end up hurting the most, and it’s always us, as a family, receiving the greatest pain!”

Fame is something I can only reach for in vain; I so wish I could live happily and joyously.

Maybe in others’ eyes, in the face of reality, love can’t compete with the harsh reality, but I still believe that love is the most beautiful as long as there’s true love. No challenge is insurmountable.”