My Alleged Husband

Chapter 2006: Chapter 1800: Day After Day, Night After Night

How many people endure the pain of longing through long, dark nights, and how many never give up despite the suffering of yearning.

”Dad, I never imagined living this way, nor did I ever think about hurting you in this manner. Doing such things is the deepest pain in my heart. All I’ve wanted is to give you the best of myself repeatedly, but I can’t do it. I don’t understand when I turned into who I am now—I pushed myself, step by step, into a dead end, only to discover that everything I did was wrong.

You are right, no one has wronged me, and no one has betrayed me. The betrayer was not you but me. I repeatedly inflicted heavy harm on you. I forgot that you gave me the warmest family, taught me about familial love and romantic love. Step by step to this point, I can’t even tell which version of myself is real anymore. I’ve lost my true self; my original intention has changed, and I’ve become numb, indifferent!

Perhaps I should really learn what a man should and should not do, but all these years, I’ve lived without a guilty conscience. The only ones I’ve failed are you; I’ve hurt you. Do you know? These events are the most painful memories in the depths of my heart. Time and again, I pushed myself to a dead end because I was afraid—afraid of meeting you and afraid of the pressure each event brought me, yet I’ve never cared about your feelings. I neglected your feelings, and that’s the biggest mistake of my life!

In fact, as a father, you should resent me, for as a son, I’ve never shown you any concern or assistance, but instead brought you much grief and pain. Time and again, I’ve forced everything of mine upon you. Time and again, I’ve abandoned everything I don’t want. In the depths of my heart, I have no worldly concept, never considering what I can or cannot do.

Sometimes I just want to live peacefully, but why is it so difficult? Who did I offend?

Is it that all the harm and pain I suffer are deserved, rightful punishment? Is your repeated experience of my abandonment and betrayal solely my wrongdoings? Are all my actions truly unforgivable? In your world, what am I saying? Time and again, even if I give everything, what am I in your hearts? Nothing—even not a part of this family. I pull myself back from the abyss of pain again and again, hoping for happiness, a joyful life, but all it brings is despair over and over!

I really don’t know how many days and nights like this I’ll endure, and I’ve lost count of how many I’ve already gone through. Under the mental torment, I live stubbornly, fiercely fighting for a life upwards, scared that relaxing even slightly will lead to complete collapse. I dare not let my tense nerves slack even a bit, turning myself into a wooden figure, feeling nothing for anything, just with a faint expression.

When everyone sees me as a wooden man, when everyone thinks I’m not fit to be a man, I haven’t given up on my ideals, because deep down, I know even if I don’t want everything else, these things I must care for. I want to turn everything into the best of the best in humanity; I want everyone who looks down on me, just like my son, to bow to me repeatedly. But I can’t; I’m not as capable as my son, not as energetic as him. All my endeavors can’t keep up. I don’t know how he manages it, but I understand he must have endured many hardships, much suffering, many torments from others repeatedly—experiences much too painful for me to fathom.

You are my father. Repeatedly, I’ve yearned for your warmest response, I’ve hoped you would let me stay in this caring family, even if the result leaves me battered, forced to leave alone, even if I must hide away in some corner, brooding alone. Still, I never give up easily, yet in the end, no matter what I do, I don’t achieve the best results. Time and again, I share my most painful memories with everyone, imposing my suffering on others without considering if anyone would feel pain from my actions. I just know that doing so is my way of revenge—against others, against society, against everyone who ever wronged or wanted to hurt me!”

Zhang Yichen suddenly realized such a father is terrifying; it doesn’t quite resemble his own parent. His father used to be so weak, but why would he suddenly speak these words now? It makes him, as the son, a bit apprehensive and unable to comprehend.

He doesn’t understand what pressure he placed on his father for him to change in an instant. Is everything he’s done truly justified? Every time, he loudly criticizes his father’s actions as overly excessive, hurting everyone’s heart, but now, reflecting on his words and deeds toward his father, do they not hurt them too? Perhaps people should live with empathy; repeatedly imposing your pain on others will only yield the outcomes you least want to see—results perhaps seen as normal by others but appear as the most painful to oneself.

”I think none of you should say anything anymore. We should each live the life we truly want, no more enduring this pain alone. It’s enough for everyone to live happily; why tire ourselves out? Why involve everyone in some trivial unhappiness?

You are all my family; please, don’t hurt each other. Ultimately, the most wounded still ends up being ourselves, our family!”

Some things might seem insignificant, unintentional through your eyes, but for me, it may be the heaviest burden in this lifetime...