My Alleged Husband

Chapter 1494: Chapter 1288: Why Strive?

We might have grown up, striving for our own ideals, and perhaps gradually neglected our parents’ feelings. Nowadays, I feel like I’m acting, speaking insincerely, wearing a mask of hypocrisy, always deceiving myself with trivial achievements, yet I often inexplicably feel a sense of emptiness.

”Do you really think I don’t want to let go of all the pain? It’s not that I don’t want to let go of those things; it’s that I truly can’t. I force myself to endure all the inner pain time and time again. All I ever wanted was a steady life, but my life keeps getting disrupted over and over again. Can’t I blame anyone? Am I supposed to willingly bear all this pain? I watch everything change before my eyes and see the ones I care about being taken away. Do you know how much that feeling hurts? No one ever considers how excruciating that kind of pain is. You always think your decisions are right, but what about me? Am I just meant to be abandoned and hurt by you as parents, time and again?

You say you’re not a Saint, so what about me? Am I the Saint then? You’re tired from living, and so am I; everyone is exhausted. But I really don’t want to be this tired. Do you know how painful it is to be this exhausted? I just want to lie down and never wake up again. Maybe that kind of life is what I truly want, hiding in a pitch-black coffin where I won’t have to fear the darkness anymore because I’ve completely stepped into that place, with no chance of ever stepping out again. Everyone would relax that way. What you want is just for me to leave this world, leave you; only then do you feel secure and happy. What you want, I can’t give you, and what I want, you can’t give me either. Because in your eyes, everything I do is wrong, no matter how hard I try. You never see my goodness because, deep down in your heart, I’m always a bad kid!

To gain your understanding, to prove to you that I’m the strongest, I’ve come this far, bearing so much bitterness and toil, enduring so much pain while watching everyone else laugh and be happy. What am I doing? I’m fighting desperately to move forward because I want everyone to know that I’m not the worst and I want my family to know that your abandonment made me who I am today, making me numb and ruthless to everything.

You are my parents; how can you bear to treat me like this? I’m your child; what will I ultimately get? It’ll end up being despair after despair, harm upon harm. What good will this bring you?”

”Son, Dad knows that life has been tough for you all these years, but hasn’t everyone had a hard time? Like you said, everyone living is tired; to be not tired, you’d have to be in a coffin. But can’t you let go of these matters now? Do you know that once you let go of everything, you’ll feel so much lighter, and you’ll never have to bear this kind of pain again? Your inner torment will be completely alleviated. It’s the outcome we all want. Why must you cling to the past and refuse to let go? What good will that do for you? Clearly suffering yet still clinging tightly, knowing full well that it’s hurting you repeatedly, knowing that we’ve pushed you into the abyss time and again, yet you still want us back by your side.”

”Scared, scared, if I could let go, I would’ve done so long ago. Why be obsessed with the present? What results has my persistence brought? Don’t I know deep down inside? Do you really think I’m living a happy life? My pain is no less than yours. I always suppress all the despair deep within; all I want is a stable life. Yet in the end, I gain nothing because I understand that no matter what I give, it means nothing to you. I can only keep proving myself time and again. I am truly the strongest, only then can I qualify to make you realize I’m the best. Only then will you not ruthlessly abandon me. All I want is for my parents to stay by my side; is that wrong?

I’ve given so much. I’m the type who doesn’t cherish what I have until it’s gone, only then realizing how important that person is to me. But if his heart isn’t with me, no matter what I do, he won’t even look at me. He retaliates against me repeatedly, making me suffer immeasurably to avenge the hurt I once caused. She avenged me, he is immensely satisfied and can laugh freely. But what about me? I can only cry in silence, knowing that real men don’t shed tears easily, only until deeply hurt. Who would know how much pain I’m in? I always suppress all my inner pain. All I want is just to live a happy life, but what did I get in return? Nothing, instead, I traded it for a body full of wounds!

Dad, can you understand how much pain I’m in? Can you? I’m your child; why do you treat me like this? I really have no idea what mindset you were in back then, wanting to abandon me, abandon everyone in our family. What was in your heart? Why do you treat us like this? Do the so-called freedom and happiness in your heart surpass each one of us in this family? After roaming free outside for so many years, have you really flown freely? Instead, you lost your own family. You destroyed everything with your own hands. Now, you come back here, and I still accept because deep inside, I genuinely long for my parents’ love. But after endlessly giving, this is what I receive in return. I can’t remain indifferent. I can’t ignore what I see, endure everything without a care. A knife hangs over the word patience; I’ve endured and endured, but eventually, it’s unbearable. I’m on the brink of collapse, becoming crazy, nearly mad. Step by step, I’ve forced myself to this point, where everything has been self-destructed by my own hands—the endings of all that I desired.

In the end, who can I blame for all of this but myself for being so foolish, turning myself into who I am now? Who knows how much it hurts deep down inside? I really can’t let go!”

I’m always relying on a little alcohol, as if hearing others say they’re still suffering between wakefulness and sleep. I don’t know what this bit of pain in the storm means. I only know that I should wipe away all my tears and keep moving forward because we shouldn’t be afraid; at least we still have our dreams to accompany us.