My Alleged Husband

Chapter 1453: Chapter 1247: Bitterness, Joy, Happiness, and Sorrow

May you have dreams to chase, and when you wake, have no regrets. Don’t let your life become a series of regrets.

”Dad, how many times do I have to say it for you to understand what I truly mean? I never intended to leave this family, let alone abandon you. Everything I’ve done was out of desperation, a final decision that had to be made. Can’t you consider it from my perspective? Do you think it’s been easy for me all these years?

You always talk about how painful and difficult your lives have been, but do you think I haven’t suffered or endured agony? Our hearts are made of flesh and feel pain. I’ve given everything I have, time and again, but what have I received in return? Have you ever stood in my shoes and understood the ending from my viewpoint? Who among you can comprehend even a fraction of my pain?

You always believe that as long as I make a mistake, it’s unforgivable and monstrous. I’ve no way to obtain your forgiveness. I’ve repeatedly reminded myself deep down that it was my fault for doing wrong by you, and I must accept all the punishment you give me. Even if you make me leave this house and never return in this lifetime, I can’t refuse it; it’s my fault, and I should bear the consequences. But when I chose to bear the consequences, I never thought I would ever live peacefully in this household again, yet your actions have truly chilled my heart.

Over the years, I’ve reminded myself deep down to go back and make amends with my father, make amends with my son. It’s because of a single moment’s mistake on my part that things ended this way, making each of you deeply disappointed in me, you know?

I’m so afraid of losing you all, but do you fear losing me? Perhaps you feel that over the years, since I’ve not been by your side, my presence or absence makes little difference. I am neither one too many, nor one too few, sometimes feeling like a bother in your eyes.

Reflect on every action I’ve done, whether right or wrong. After so many years, just once, I suppressed my sadness in my heart and gained nothing.

Perhaps now in your eyes, I’m nothing. I’m just a heinous villain without any reason or qualification to plead for your forgiveness. You consider everything I do as wrong.

Haven’t you ever thought about why I did everything I did, or what reasons drove me to do it? You’ve never considered my reasons, nor have you ever asked me. You pass sentences on my actions as if through a self-centered lens. Do you know that?

Acting this way is selfish. Time and again, you’ve snuffed out any chance for me to stay at home, pushing me out the door, forcing me to wander far from home. Who can understand that feeling? Who has cared about how hard my life has been? Has anyone wondered what I could possibly gain from all this? I hold everything so dearly, yet in the end, how have you treated me?”

”You tell me how we’ve treated you, but how have you treated me, your father? Was it easy raising you? Xiao Li’s mother was never by your side. Shortly after your birth, she left you. Do you think my heart didn’t hurt? I understand your love for your wife because I loved your mother dearly. Over the years, I’ve spent countless nights dreaming of her, holding her in my embrace. Do you know how much I miss your mother?

Yet, the final outcome leaves me only to face your mother. No matter what, she will never return to me. Even if I made every mistake, I would only hope she could return to scold and criticize me, but that’s not possible. She hasn’t returned in decades. For decades I’ve had self-blame and countless thoughts, holding them deep in my heart, aware that no matter what, I have no right to refuse her, for she gave me the greatest love. If I chose to leave, if I chose to see everything as a desecration of your mother, would I still deserve to be her husband? Would I deserve those years we spent together?

Don’t you think you’re much happier than me? At least you can live with your wife for so many years, whereas for me and your mother, it was just a few years. Those years are the happiest, most relaxed, and joyful times in my life, which I can never return to. Do you know how much regret and pain I hold within?

She was my wife, yet she died in my arms, and I was powerless. I prayed and begged the heavens and the earth for more time with her.

But back then, no one could hear my cries. No one felt that despair. How I wished she could return to my side, but was it possible? It never will be. I considered everything the most important in my life, but how did you all treat me? With each time, how much agony have I endured, and who cared? Maybe you think you’re in the most pain now, for I’m the source of it. Yet, think about your mother. She lies alone in the cold earth, possibly now just a pile of bones, while we still live here in laughter; it’s a kind of solace!

Never compare yourself with others regarding selfishness because every act you do might be even more selfish. Do you know? Seeing you and your wife so lovingly together, I’m filled with envy. Even though you’re my son, I envy your life. Even if you are ungrateful to me, I still secretly hope for such a life. But such a life, I’ll never have the chance to experience again. She’ll never have the opportunity to return to my side.”

The things you can’t grasp but can’t let go of are often the most hurtful because you don’t know how to make them into what you desire.