My Alleged Husband

Chapter 1452: Chapter 1246: Intoxicated

All my thoughts of you are about to turn to ashes, yet you still haven’t appeared by my side.

”Do you really think I don’t want to let go of all this pain?

It’s not that I don’t want to let go of those things; I truly have no way to release them. Time and again, I forcibly suppress all the pain deep within me. All I want is a peaceful and steady life, but my life is repeatedly thrown off rhythm. Can’t I blame anyone for that?

Should I really be willing to endure all this pain? I watch helplessly as everything changes before my eyes; I watch helplessly as those I care about are being stolen away. Do you know how painful that feels?

No one has ever considered what kind of heart-wrenching pain that feeling is. You always think your choices are right—but what about me? Am I condemned to be abandoned by you as parents over and over, to be hurt again and again?

You say you’re not a Saint—what about me? Am I the Saint then? We’re all exhausted in life, but I really don’t want to be so tired. Do you know how painful it is for someone who lives so tired?

I just want to sleep through it and never wake up; that kind of life might be what I desire. Every day hiding inside a coffin, where I can no longer fear the darkness because I’ve stepped thoroughly into that place—and never again will there be an opportunity to step out. Then everyone will be relieved. All you want is for me to leave this world and leave you. In your eyes, only when I leave will you feel at ease, when you will be happy because you can’t give me what I want, and I can’t give you what you want.

Because in your eyes, everything I do is wrong. No matter what I do, you simply do not see the good in me. Because deep in your heart, I am always a bad child!

To gain your understanding and to prove to you that I am the strongest, I have come step by step to today. How much bitterness and fatigue I have endured, how much pain I feel—when I see everyone laughing and having fun, what am I doing? I am desperately pushing forward because I want to let everyone know, I am not the worst. I want to let my family know that your abandonment of me achieved this; today’s outcome is because you abandoned me, making me numb, ruthless towards everything.

You’re my parents, how can you be so heartless to me? I am your child, ultimately what will I get? You end up being only repeated despair, repeated harm to me—what good do you say you can get from it?”

”Child, Dad knows that you have been living tired these years, but who hasn’t been tired? Just like you said, everyone’s life is exhausting; not to be tired, unless already in a coffin. But now can’t you let these things go? Do you know? As long as you let go of everything, you will feel relieved—you won’t have to endure this pain anymore. Your inner torment will be reduced—that’s the outcome we all want. Why are you so persistent, clinging on to the past?

What good does it do you? Clearly miserable yet still holding on tightly—even knowing it repeatedly hurts you—you know we push you into the abyss time and again, yet you still want us to come back to your side.”

”Terrified, if I could let go, I would have done so long ago; why cling to the present? Time and again, what result has this persistence brought me—deep down, do I really not know? Do you really think I live happily and joyfully? My pain really isn’t any less than yours; I always suppress all despair within me. All I want is a calm and stable life, yet ultimately, I get nothing—because I understand, even if I give everything, in your eyes it’s nothing. Only by relying on my efforts to wait until the end, only by proving to everyone over and over that I am indeed the strongest, can I have the qualification to let you see I’m the best. Only then will you not cruelly abandon me. I just want my parents to stay by my side; is that wrong?

I truly have given so much. People like me never cherish what they have, only realize how important someone is after losing them. But with hearts not here, no matter what I do, he won’t look at me properly. He repeatedly retaliates against me, repeatedly makes me miserable—all for revenge for the harm I once caused him. She retaliated against me, and he is pleased; he can laugh heartily. But what about me? I can only shed tears silently alone. I know men do not shed tears lightly; it’s just not to the point of heartbreak yet. Who knows how deep my pain is? I always suppress all my inner pain—all I want is to live happily, yet ultimately what do I get? I gain nothing, instead, I garner a body full of wounds!

Dad, can you understand how painful it is for me? Can you understand? I am your child, why do you treat me this way? I really can’t understand the mindset you carried when you decided to abandon me—even abandon everyone in our family. What exactly goes on inside your heart? Why do you treat us like this? In your heart, is each member of our family still inferior to your so-called freedom and happiness? Have you been flying freely outside all these years? Not at all—instead, you lost your family. You personally destroyed everything. Now, when you come back, I still accept, because deep down, I really hope to receive my parents’ love. Yet after all my efforts, this is the result—I can’t remain indifferent. With what I’ve seen, I can’t simply ignore it all, with a blade hovering over my endurance. I’ve endured and endured, but ultimately still can’t tolerate it; I’m practically falling apart. I’m turning into a demon, I’m about to go mad. Step by step, I’ve pushed myself to today’s situation—because I’ve personally ruined every ending I desired.

All of this truly amounts to that unwarranted flooded state; ultimately, I can only blame myself for being too stupid, making myself into this. Who knows how much it hurts deep inside me? I really can’t let go!”

Where should I possibly go to find you? Is there still a place for me in your heart? Have you already forgotten that I exist?