My Alleged Husband

Chapter 1771: Chapter 1565: The Past

You once told me that even if the sky fell, you would be there with me. But in the end, I found that at the moment the sky did fall, the person by my side was not you, and I didn’t know where you were.

But how could you possibly relate to my loneliness? I just got used to being alone.

Zhang Zhentian heard these words from his father, and suddenly remembered how he had once, for certain reasons, resorted to ruthless means, sparing no effort to destroy those who stabbed him in the back, sending them into a deep abyss of suffering again and again, leaving them with no way out.

”Dad, honestly, living life is really exhausting. No one wants to live so meticulously. I also want to live freely, without constraints, but I’ve never been able to live happily in my entire life. I’ve lived too painfully. In others’ eyes, I seem to have everything I want in life, yet I keep avoiding the endings I truly desire. Is that really the case? Does anyone understand the bitterness in my heart?

I never imagined that one day I would feel so exhausted from living. I just wanted to live steadily, without so much pain, without feeling so emotionally drained, at least to grow old with the one I love. But in the end, I discovered that everything I wanted was just a dream. What I wanted, in the eyes of others, was nothing but a joke.

I did everything I could, using any means necessary, to climb up step by step, all so I could be with the person I most wanted, to live my life without regrets. But in the end, I still hurt everyone around me. None of my actions were ever right, and looking back, I realize everything I did was wrong.

Dad, we rarely sit down quietly like this to talk. Do you know how desperately I wish I could live happily one day, how much I wish one day I could lead a happy life with my family? But ultimately, I get nothing. Even if I return to this home, so what? Very few genuinely wish for my return, because the things I’ve said and done have left them heartbroken!

I understand better than anyone the meaning of the phrase ’grief beyond compare.’ I’ve made so many mistakes over and over again, yet I’ve never realized where I was wrong. Even my apologies were cursory. I never pursued the ending I truly desired, and ultimately I discovered, what do these mistakes mean? In others’ eyes, they are just a source of laughter, yet no one knows how much I’ve truly put in.

All these years, life hasn’t been easy for me, but every time I would silently console myself. Regardless of the mistakes I made or how much I lost, as long as I stick to what I truly want deep in my heart, one day I might achieve my wishes and get what I most desire. But in the end, I got nothing; instead, I repeatedly brought harm to my family.

I know, in the end, it’s because I, as a son, am useless. No matter what I do, I can never make you happy, nor can I allow my child to be proud of having me as a father. Instead, the pain I’ve caused my child over the years might make my existence as a father a disgrace in his eyes. I’ve never given him an ounce of fatherly love; instead, I’ve inflicted upon him too much torment and pain, which no other child should endure, yet he has endured it all.”

Old Master Zhang suddenly didn’t know what to say, how to respond once again. Was everything his son did truly all wrong, with nothing right at all?

In truth, he didn’t know for certain himself. He didn’t know how many errors his child had committed, nor how much pain his child had borne without ever receiving a shred of relief or compensation.

”Child, since some things are in the past, let’s allow them to scatter with the winds and disappear. Let’s not bring them up again. We’ve talked so many times about how what we most want is to uphold the beliefs deep in our hearts and not let unnecessary matters harm what we hold dearest.”

”Dad, I’ve thought about it. Should I apologize to the whole world and admit all my errors? Would the outcome be different then? Would the harm I’ve caused eventually allow you to completely forget and not feel any more pain at all?

But that would never happen. No matter what I do, your heart will never forgive me because the pain I caused you is immeasurable. I’m already numb; I don’t know what I truly want anymore. I’m just a walking corpse. I’ve forgotten what I wanted most in life, lost the person I loved the most. All the mistakes I’ve made, I alone have to bear them. Nobody else can bear all these mistakes for me.

As time goes by, I always thought that I would slowly grow up, but in the end, I realized I am forever a child who never grows up, always yearning to be loved and protected by others. Yet, in the end, I could only hurt them, hurt everyone who loved me most, making them feel disgusted and despaired about me again and again!

A life of despair is terrifying. I am now a person of despair, already feeling hopeless about my life. I don’t know what radical actions I might take next. I don’t know how to achieve what I most want to save.

Sometimes, terrifying thoughts even arise in my mind. I wonder if sacrificing my own life would allow me to get back everything I want to save, but would that truly be possible?

More than anyone, you understand that all of this is just my delusion. Even if I lose my life, I may not be able to regain her, the one I love most in my heart!”

Old Master Zhang could not help but sigh, realizing that since ancient times, love has been the most wounding. He hadn’t expected that his son, in the end, would be wounded thoroughly by this emotion. What must his son do to bring back the one he loves the most? He’s willing even to give up his life, but in the end, he still couldn’t make her change her mind. Perhaps now, their marital relationship is just a mere formality.

Perhaps the two of them have long had no real relationship, maintaining only the last semblance within this family...

Remember, no matter what, no matter what you go through, no one can truly feel your heartache...