My Alleged Husband

Chapter 1864: Chapter 1658: Reminiscence

I let go of your hand, as though in a winter where snowflakes are swirling in the sky, when I light a cigarette as a memento between us, I know the past will never return.

”Perhaps you find all this unbelievable, but do you know, when my tears have turned into raindrops, when I see couples smiling and laughing as they walk through the crowd on the street, do you know how much my heart aches? It was at that moment I realized, no matter what, I truly cannot forget him.

In my life, I’ve rarely done things that make me regret for a lifetime, but this time I truly regret it. My biggest regret is being with you and abandoning her. Do you know how painful this is for me?

It wasn’t until that moment that I discovered, no matter what, I cannot lose her, because I still love him, and without him, how can I continue living? I really want to hold her and say sorry, I want her to forgive me, but my repeated indecision has hurt him, failing to properly protect the person I love most in my heart. Now, I only wish to hold her forever, for us never to be apart in this lifetime. Until the day I lose her, I hurt so deeply, I truly didn’t realize how much I loved her. Loving her has cost me a lifetime of agonizing pain, but to me, it’s not a problem. I’m not afraid of enduring hurt and grievance my entire life; what I fear is losing him...”

”You say you can’t lose her, so can you lose me? You say you still love him, does that mean you feel nothing for me?” Zhang Zhentian refused to give up, he also felt unwilling. He resented being played again and again by his wife, and he wanted to make a last effort. He wanted to see if he had any position at all in his wife’s heart. If he had no position, what was the point of forcing her to stay by his side? If he wanted a lifeless existence accompanying him, why not spend his life alone for a moment of happiness?

”Honestly, I really don’t want to hurt you, but I must make some things clear to you. Yes, I can’t lose him; I love him in my heart, but I don’t love you. I can lose you, I can lose the whole world, but I can’t lose the man in my heart. Do you know that you might feel everything is changing too quickly and overwhelming? But do you know that it was only when I left him that I realized how deeply I love him? I love him so much that I’m reckless. I can entrust my whole life for him, but with you, I’m sorry, I just don’t have that feeling!

I choose to be with a person; if I don’t even have the basic feeling of expansion in heart, why should I constantly stay with him? The day I fell in love with him is the day I yearned to be with him. But the gap between us is too vast. At that moment, I chose to deceive myself, deceiving myself that I don’t love her, but ultimately, I discovered I’ve always loved him. It could never be anyone else!

Do you know that from the initial liking to slowly being together, I thought about being with him until growing old together, but in the end, I realized heaven is only bullying me by destroying my most beautiful hopes again and again? I truly resent this sky, for being so unfair to me!

I’m sure you also think the sky is unfair to you because you gave your love wholeheartedly, yet I ultimately chose to hurt you this way. So you feel common injustice too, but do you know that every person’s heart is tormented? When I truly chose this ending, I was destined never to have any chance to be happy and live joyfully again. But I’ve stopped caring about it all. Don’t keep saying that you can give up everything for me; think carefully, can you truly? If you could, you wouldn’t want again and again to return home, and if you could, you wouldn’t have a look of despair after hopeful eyes repeatedly appeared before mine. All this is merely to evoke my sympathy for you. But even if I sympathize, what does it mean? There’s no understanding between us. Without mutual understanding, do you think we can live happily together? Stop forcing it, let go!”

”Actually, you said so much just to make me give up on you. Since I chose to be with you initially, I won’t give up easily. Moreover, our relationship now involves family interests, and I can’t selfishly ignore the safety of my entire family. You know how important a family’s reputation is for my father; he cares so much about his image. But for the two of us, he gave up his so-called face and dignity time and again. How can I treat him like that? I’m not heartless; what I want is simple enough, but what I want, you can’t ultimately give me. Since you can’t give it, why not let me fulfill it myself?

You should know, if I make a wrong decision this time, it would cause my entire family’s interests to fail utterly. Business is like war, and I can’t disregard the lifelong efforts of my father. Before, asking you was naive of me, thinking you were worth it. But in the end, I found you weren’t worth it. Since you don’t know, why should I foolishly ignore my father’s years of hard work for you?”

Xia Jing actually understood her husband’s reasons for how he treated her. He had sacrificed so much for her, but she ultimately gave him such pain. Since so, why should she forcefully keep him, making him do things against his heart repeatedly? Even a person with a soft heart will eventually turn heartless, because all these consequences were caused by herself and whom could she hate? Everything would only slowly turn her into a living dead with no way to alter an outcome already destined...

I never really liked anything in the world, only you, whom I most cherished. With reddened eyes repeatedly, I barely managed to say goodbye. As I faced the wind and held open my eyelids, trying not to blink, tears unwittingly broke free. I wish you would look at me one more time before you leave.