My Alleged Husband

Chapter 1082: Chapter 933 Who Understands?

”I have given so much, yet who understands the bitterness I endure in doing all this? I always thought of making everything different from myself. I always thought of living happily, joyfully, step by step until the end, but in the end, I realized it was all in vain. I didn’t get the ending I wanted most, and I turned everything into the result I least wanted to see in this lifetime. Do you know how much it pains me deep inside?

Over these many years, I’ve suffered alone, endured hardships alone, borne pain alone—only I know it. No one can understand all the pressure I’ve experienced. Even if you return to this home, I will still say the same thing. Although I can pretend that all the wrong things I did never happened, it doesn’t mean I don’t mind them at all. I’m not a Saint; I can’t forgive you again and again and get nothing in return. I should also understand what kind of life everyone wants.

Isn’t it better for us to leave each other some room to retreat? Why must we force things to the most undesirable end? Think about how we have become like this over the years, how we’ve gradually turned into the people we are today. Is this really what we want? All we wish for is to live happily, all we hope for is for the family to be happily reunited and never separated again. Is it really so hard to achieve this? I gave my efforts, I did my best, I put in everything I had. I believe I have no guilt towards myself or the world, yet I still cannot achieve the outcome I want. Perhaps fate truly is unfair, or maybe it’s fair—I don’t know what I did to offend the heavens that make them toy with me, letting me suffer pain and bitterness repeatedly, with nowhere to express it.”

Zhang Zhentian originally thought all his efforts would be something his father would praise, celebrate, and extol. But he never expected that in his father’s eyes, he would be so unworthy. Everything he did was wrong; he didn’t do a single thing right. Why did he originally become like this? Why did he change step by step into the person he is today? Why did he choose to harm his family, betray his father, making him bear all the pain he should not? What have I done? He truly doesn’t understand what kind of person he has become.

Am I really so selfish, unforgivable, a person who only does bad deeds and doesn’t know gratitude? I shouldn’t be like this, yet now seeing every word his father says to him has thoroughly proven it—his actions are indeed like this. He doesn’t wish such a life upon himself. All he wants is for his family to be happy, for his parents to always stand by him, although he lost his mother early on, his father remains his eternal spiritual pillar.

”Dad, please don’t say that. I never intended to abandon you again, let alone hurt you again as I once did. I truly feel regretful and pained. I never imagined I would bring you such deep harm. I admit that all of this wasn’t what I wanted the most. I made things different from how you imagined, I turned everything, once and again, like my own life, filled with pain. I don’t know what I should do, nor do I understand how I can return to the original state, like it never changed in the first place, but it’s really hard. Everyone has their own difficulties in life; don’t I have mine? Have I lived to this day simply without effort? I have tried, too, put in all my strength to change my life, to become as you expected, but I truly cannot become that.

I don’t know how I should live my life, what kind of life I should have to exchange for the most sincere outcome between us. I regret again and again, today how difficult am I finding it?

Who has ever cared for my inner thoughts and pain? Step by step, I walk down the path I least want to go in life, step by step, I live against my conscience in this world. I want to live, and live well, I want to live to the day I can bring honor to my family, but in the end, my actions have only brought shame to my family—do you understand? That feeling is truly regretful and painful. I turned myself into the person I am today step by step—is this really what I want? It really isn’t, but I still can’t turn it into the outcome I want the most.”

”You don’t need to explain anymore, and I have no intention of blaming you. I just hope that you think it over more carefully, consider why you are doing what you’re doing. Does your action truly repay every one in the family for their concern, for their love for you? All we want is to be glad, happy, and content, but it’s not like this. We should be on a happy journey, not one filled with sorrow. Would you want to live such a life forever? If I were you, I wouldn’t want to. Such a life is truly tiring. I saw the efforts in your struggles; I also saw the glorious future you could soon have, yet ultimately, you let it all diverge from your own intentions. You abandoned the goals you should most achieve; you simply wanted to complete your goals. Is that really what you should be doing?

In my whole life, I will never again demand anything from you. No one understands the pain deep within me. You always think you understand the hardships and difficulties of my heart, but who really does? You don’t know, you will never experience the pain of your actions not being known or understood by anyone. You still live too easily, too casually and simply, always thinking that going with the flow is the best future!”