My Alleged Husband

Chapter 1053: Chapter 906 Honesty

”Dad, I actually understand very well that being an honest child in this lifetime is really very difficult. Some people have paid a huge price to be honest children, but I also believe that as long as one is willing to be an honest person, then honesty will surely exist wherever and whenever, the meaning of a person’s city you understand better than I do. Over the years, you have weathered much more storms and challenges than I have, but I never thought that one day I would walk down this path, do you understand? You said I shouldn’t fall in love, indeed, in my journey of growth, if I choose love, then I can only fail miserably, completely broken, and in the end, I can only endure all the pain alone.

I am not Saint, I have no way to endure the harm that all this pain brings me, you should understand better than anyone else, what I want is merely a peaceful and happy life, even if such a life is unattainable for me in this lifetime, I absolutely won’t let myself suffer endless torment, as the agony of suffering only makes me more tortured. Why must I make my life so difficult?”

Actually, you all know what kind of life I have had over these years and all the pain I have endured. I have never spoken of it to anyone, because I understand that speaking out has no effect whatsoever. Why should I use my unfortunate experiences to bring unhappy thoughts to my family? I want everyone in the family to be happy, but did I make a mistake by doing so?”

Because I completely don’t see the meaning of my actions, I haven’t received understanding from anyone. In your hearts, everything I have done is wrong. I don’t understand, as a child, can’t I even dream of being a brave knight? Must I live through this lifetime with so much pain? All I want is to live peacefully, and I’ve said this more than once, yet in the end, is this my result? I continually suffer injury and pain, all I get in the end is still harm and suffering. I haven’t gotten any return for everything I’ve given, the return I most desire is still beyond my grasp!”

”Child, I’m sorry, if it wasn’t for everything I did, you wouldn’t have faced such things, you know? When I saw you for the first time, I wondered whose child this was, so polite, so adorable, handling everything with such orderliness, every word spoken so articulate. I truly wished at that moment you were my grandchild, I longed to see my grandson, yet I had no way to see him. Sometimes I can’t help but wonder if my own son would also cheerfully embrace every matter like you do, whether he was just as adorable, lively, and innocent when he was young. I even dare not think further because I know how I abandoned my son.

Sometimes, as I think, my tears fall. I dare not imagine how my son spent these years, to what extent he hates me in his heart as a mother. I dare not even think, whenever I have such thoughts, I feel the urge to end myself. What was everything I did for? Why did I make choices that ended up hurting my child, making him hate me as his mother?

Maybe you all feel that all the mistakes were caused by me alone, that I should bear all the pain and consequences. I shouldn’t shift the blame onto others, no one owes me anything, nor should anyone bear all this hurt for me for a lifetime. But I never thought I’d end up like this, every decision I made was in hope for a happy life, yet the final result was nothing. I hurt the people I love most, injured those who loved me most, even destroyed the family that could’ve been happy for a lifetime. All this was caused by my own hands.

I’ve never feared anything in this life, but I truly fear guilt. Guilt spreads deep within me, enveloping every part of my being, all my cells are proud due to my guilt. The feeling is unbearably painful, yet every time I see my husband, because of his guilt, there I realize the depth of my mistakes. I have no way to pretend all this never happened, yet he chose to give me the perfect ending. I deeply wish my husband would really only have me in his life all his life. He has never done anything to wrong me in my sight. I believe heaven has eyes, I believe his feelings for me are genuine, he won’t deceive me, nor will I deceive him, but I’ve kept hurting him, using him, and deceiving him over and over again.”

”Grandma, I actually never thought the person I met initially would turn out to be my biological grandmother. At that moment, I wished it was truly you, you seemed so gentle and kind, but why is the reality so different? I dare not believe that was really you. I recall over and over again our first meeting scene, deeply etched into my memory. I see these events replay over and over in my mind, yearning it all were true, longing you hadn’t returned to my side. I wish this all were just a fantasy I imagined to experience, and not actual fact?”

Grandpa, Grandma, do you know? All these years, the person who actually had it hardest was not me, but my dad, your son. Everything done for you truly wasn’t easy, but they never complained about you. They always thought to give you the best of everything, even if you never intended to stay by their side. Yet they still resolutely did everything for you, planning your whole life just hoping your future could be smooth sailing, free of conflict or harm, that is what a father does...”