Genshin Impact: This Priest is Cringe, But She’s Also Unbeatable

“Interesting?”

A flicker of confusion crossed Su Wan’s ice-blue eyes. She scrutinized Celeste as if analyzing a program that had just thrown a critical error.

“A strange kingdom with a flimsy justification for war, mysterious motives, and the potential to erupt into a massive conflict at any moment—and you call that ‘interesting’?”

“It’s interesting precisely because it’s flimsy and mysterious,” Celeste countered with a nonchalant shrug, looking at Su Wan like she was some rare, un-fun species. “Our goal is the secret realm’s core, not to play babysitter for this human kingdom.”

“This Domain is called the ‘Shattered Covenant,’” Su Wan pressed, her brow furrowed. “The core must be related to this plotline where the humans and elves have had a falling out.”

Selene nodded vigorously from the side, her support unwavering. “Sister is right!”

Xia Lian glanced between them, muttering under her breath, “But… what they said just now was just too…” Her cheeks began to heat up again, the scandalous “swinging both ways” comment clearly still occupying prime real estate in her mind.

“Let’s go,” Celeste announced, standing up decisively and clapping her hands together. “The only way to find the truth is to see it for ourselves. Tavern gossip is just that—gossip.”

The four of them left the noisy establishment and, following the directions from the townsfolk, set foot on the main road leading to Lion City.

This road was noticeably smoother and wider than the previous ones. Gradually, other travelers appeared, most of them adventurers with backpacks and hurried expressions, or farmers pushing heavy wheelbarrows.

After walking for about an hour, they came upon a slow-moving caravan. The leader was a chubby merchant with a greasy face, who, upon seeing their well-maintained gear, immediately waddled over with an enthusiastic greeting. He invited them to travel together for a stretch, suggesting they could offer each other mutual support.

During the casual conversation that followed, Su Wan subtly steered the topic toward the imminent war.

“Sigh, don’t even get me started!” The fat merchant slapped his plump thigh, his face a mask of distress. “Instead of focusing on good business, they just have to go to war! And do you know why? It’s all the fault of our Prince Alex!”

“Oh?” Celeste raised an eyebrow. “How so?”

“What else could it be! A femme fatale, that’s what!” The merchant lowered his voice, giving them a conspiratorial wink. “I heard it from my cousin who runs the Elf Forest route. The Elf Queen, Elaniel, has lived for thousands of years. Her standards are terrifyingly high; she looks down on everyone.”

He leaned in closer. “But at the last Myriad Races Celebration, she fell for our young and handsome Prince Alex at first sight! The moment she got back, she sent envoys to propose marriage, but His Majesty the King sternly rejected her. Now, consumed by a love that’s twisted into hate, she’s brought her army to the border, determined to snatch the Prince back to be her… ahem, her Prince Consort!”

Selene and Xia Lian listened, completely dumbfounded.

An Elf Queen who had lived for thousands of years had fallen for a teenage human prince? Wasn’t the age gap big enough for her to be his great-great-great-great-grandmother?

Celeste rested her forehead in her palm.

‘Oh, for fuck’s sake, we’re starting with Version A,’she thought, groaning internally.’The classic ‘Overbearing CEO—er, Queen—Falls for Me’ trope. She gets rejected, so she resorts to kidnapping. The cringe is so strong I can practically taste it.’

Bidding farewell to the merchant, who was a firm believer in the “Tragic Love Theory,” they continued on their way. Before long, they encountered a group of villagers fleeing from the direction of the border. They were all sallow and emaciated, their eyes wide with a panic they couldn’t conceal.

The kind-hearted Xia Lian immediately took out some clean water and dried meat to share with them. An old village chief was so grateful he nearly fell to his knees, and with a trembling voice, he told them the “truth” he had heard.

“What a sin!” The old man beat his chest and stomped his feet, tears streaming from his aged eyes. “Those elves… they aren’t human! They… they want to take our Prince and Princess to feed their Divine Tree!”

“Feed the tree?” Selene was shocked. What kind of bizarre ritual was that?

“Yes!” the old village chief insisted with absolute certainty. “They say the Elven Divine Tree, the ‘World Tree,’ is about to wither! It needs the blood of the noblest human royals as fertilizer to bring it back to life! How could His Majesty the King ever agree to such a monstrous demand? That’s why war is coming!”

Xia Lian’s face turned pale. This version was far more terrifying than the last one.

Su Wan’s brows were locked in a tight knot. She tried to find even a shred of logic in the claim but eventually gave up, the sheer absurdity of it short-circuiting her analytical mind.

Celeste just looked silently at the sky.

‘And here’s Version B: the Evil Cult Sacrifice plot. Very Cthulhu, nice. Just one problem—this fertilizer is a little picky, demanding the royal-brand special edition.’

The closer they got to Lion City, the more crowded the road became. Among the travelers were many adventurers like themselves, who had heard the news and intended to cash in on the conflict.

They stopped to rest at a temporary tavern set up along the road. As soon as the four of them sat down, they overheard a few mercenaries at the next table bragging loudly.

“What’s there to be afraid of! They’re just elves, right? A little pointier in the ears, that’s all!” a bearded man roared. “One swing of my axe, and I’ll still crack their skulls open!”

“Exactly!” his companion chuckled, his expression turning lewd. “Besides, I heard the reason for this whole mess isn’t complicated at all!”

He leaned in mysteriously toward his friends. “My brother works in the royal palace, and he secretly told me. It was Prince Alex who got sticky fingers when he went to visit the Elf Forest.”

“He stole something? What treasure did he steal?”

“Treasure?” The mercenary laughed, the sound even more vulgar than before. “His Highness the Prince swiped the elves’sacred relic—the’Light of the Moon Goddess’!”

The surrounding crowd erupted in murmurs.

“Light of the Moon Goddess? What’s that?”

“They say it’s a treasure formed when moonlight shines on the Sacred Spring while the elves are bathing. It’s shaped like a ring, and it glows all over…”

Celeste, who had just taken a sip of water, nearly sprayed it across the table.

‘Version C: The ‘Dumbass Kid Steals Cursed Artifact’special,’ she thought, fighting to swallow.’Wait a minute… used while bathing… a glowing ring… isn’t that just a goddamn glowing toilet seat?!’

She felt a vein begin to throb in her temple.

Finally, at dusk, the silhouette of Lion City appeared on the horizon. It was a city far more magnificent than the last town, its tall stone walls flying banners that depicted a golden lion on a blue field. The city gate was teeming with people, and squads of soldiers were nervously setting up defenses.

A huge recruitment notice was posted by the gate, surrounded by a massive crowd.

An old gentleman in scholar’s robes, looking quite knowledgeable, was holding court, lecturing the people around him.

“Everyone, you only see the surface, not the truth!” The old scholar shook his head, carrying himself like the only sober man in a world of drunks. “The essence of war is the continuation of the species! Why do you think the elves specifically demanded our Prince and Princess?”

Everyone leaned in, their ears pricked.

“I have studied the ancient texts of the elves,” he declared. “Their fertility rate is plummeting, and their bloodline is in decline. To solve this crisis of racial extinction, they have launched a grand plan called ‘High-Quality Gene Introduction and Improvement’!”

The old scholar cleared his throat, his voice rising an octave. “As the race with the most potential and vitality on the continent, humans are naturally their preferred target for ‘improvement’! And the royal bloodline is the cream of the crop!”

“Therefore,” he boomed, “their demand to send the Prince and Princess is not to hold them hostage at all! It is to use them as the first batch of ‘seeds’ to improve their entire race’s gene pool!”

A dead silence fell over the crowd.

It was immediately followed by an explosion of discussion, more intense than any before. This theory sounded… disturbingly more “scientific” and somehow more terrifying than all the previous versions combined.

Xia Lian had completely petrified into a statue.

Selene’s mouth hung open, unable to close.

Even on Su Wan’s eternally stoic, ice-mountain face, her expression was one of near-dazed bewilderment, as if her entire worldview was being repeatedly crushed and reshaped by a sledgehammer of sheer stupidity.

Finally, Celeste could no longer hold it in.

She turned around abruptly, leaning her back against a large tree. Her shoulders began to shake violently as suppressed laughter erupted from her throat like air from a leaking bellows.

“Heh… hehe… haha… HAHAHAHAHAHA!”

“Sister?” Selene looked at her, a hint of worry in her voice.

“Sister Celeste, are you okay?” Xia Lian also drew closer, her small face filled with concern.

Celeste waved a hand, laughing for a good long while before she could finally catch her breath. She lifted her head, tears of mirth glistening at the corners of her eyes.

“I’m fine… I just think…”

She let out a long, shuddering breath and, in a tone containing endless admiration and extreme absurdity, expressed a heartfelt sentiment from the very depths of her soul:

“The writer for this plot isn’t just sick in the head. They’re literally sick in the ICU, hooked up to a ventilator, and pecking out the script with their big toe, aren’t they?!”

The moment the words left her mouth, a crisp notification sound that only she could hear exploded in her mind.

[Ding! Host, due to the sheer absurdity of the worldview and the subversive nature of the plot, you have felt heartfelt pleasure and joy. Your mental threshold has significantly increased!]

[Elation Coins +999!]

Celeste’s eyes narrowed into slits.

‘See?’she thought with smug satisfaction.’Turns out, being a spectator pays off. Big time.’

[Elysian’s Note:

Having a good time with the story?

Every single bit helps immensely:

Thanks a ton for making this journey possible!]