My Alleged Husband

Chapter 1327: Chapter 1156: Uncertainty

In a person’s room, there is only oneself.

On lonely nights, what I fear most is the light. When everyone turns off all the lights, my heart is left with its own sorrow.

Just when Zhang Zhentian was ready, wanting to travel abroad with his wife, she realized that some things are really not as simple as she had imagined.

Some things cannot be achieved simply by one’s wishful thinking. If I repeatedly use this way to try to keep the people around me, then what is the meaning of my existence in this world?

Even if I truly give my heart to him, so what? The result I get time and again is nothing but heartbreaking pain. No matter how much we do for him, to what extent we go, in his eyes everything is just a trivial matter. He simply does not hold it deep in his heart.

Everything is ready...

”Zhentian, there is something I must make clear to you. No matter what becomes of us this time, I hope that afterwards you can let me go. Perhaps in your eyes, you think none of this is very important, but in my eyes, I see it as very important. Everyone has different perspectives on things, sees things differently. You may not understand, but do you know? These years being with you, I have truly been very happy, very blissful. You have given me many things I have never received.

But my inner heart really can’t forget him. Such an ending might make you feel unfair inside, might make you feel so incapable. But do you know? Being with you, I am so happy, so joyful.

Today might be our last trip together. Once we go, perhaps we will no longer intersect. But do you know that I also fear such an ending? I also fear such things happening around me. I don’t want these things to turn into obstacles between us again and again. I just want to live the life that everyone desires, peacefully and steadily.

But the life you most want, I have no way to give it to you, because my heart is not here. I deeply love the man in my heart. I have loved for so long, willing to do anything for him, but in the end, he can’t be with me. This may be a wound in my life that I have no way to heal. I keep asking myself why I am doing this, for someone who is already lost? But I realized I really can’t lose him. Losing him, I have no way to live. He is the entire motivation for my existence.”

Zhang Zhentian really cannot stand his wife’s unpredictability. What is the point of doing this again and again? Clearly, she had promised to give herself a chance to try loving me, but why is she saying such things now? Isn’t this a blatant slap in my face?

”Xia Jing, I don’t know what you really think deep down. Don’t you feel like you are blatantly slapping me in the face? Because you already agreed to give us a chance, why say such things now? Don’t you think it’s too unfair, too cruel to me? If you had even a little bit of feeling for me, you wouldn’t treat me this way. In your heart, what am I? A pet that comes when called and goes when waved?

Can you not do things with such unpredictability? What is the point of this repetition? You only continue to hurt those who care about you. Do you know that?

You think you can’t lose him, losing him makes life impossible for you. But what about me? To me, it’s the same—without you, I have no way to live, I don’t even have the courage to face reality. Can’t you pity me a little, give me a glimmer of hope to live? Letting me stay with you, to accompany you—wouldn’t that be good? Must you push everyone to the edge? Would that satisfy you?

In my heart, I really don’t understand. It’s been so long, why can’t you let go? In my eyes, you are so understanding, and now, why have you become so incomprehensible?!

I just want to travel calmly with you, to clear things up, to let you experience the beauty of nature. But why do you treat me like this? You promised me, so why reject me now? Where does that leave me? What do you see me as?”

”I didn’t mean it that way. In my heart, you have always been my family. Some things I just don’t know how to tell you, how to explain. The more I say, the more I explain, in your eyes, might just be excuses. I truly don’t want us to get to that point.

Some things I also can’t explain to you. The gap between us is too huge. Some words, you might not believe if I said them, but some things I must say. Why do you have to think of everyone so complicatedly? What people want is just a stable life. But why can’t you even get these minimums?

Forcing love doesn’t work. These years, I have stayed by your side, but I gradually realized that even though I gave you a place in my heart, you occupy a position in my heart, you can never compare to her. Because, in my heart, she is the most important. For her, I could even give up my life, but for you, I can’t.

This is the difference, such a big difference. Can’t you feel it? With such a big difference, can’t you let go? Do you have to die here and make everyone live in extreme pain? Would that make you happy, joyful, satisfied? Why is human nature always so greedy, so selfish?

You think I’m unpredictable, but am I really? I’m no different from you; I just want a simple, peaceful life. But who could give us such a life? Only with the person we love can we live such a life, right? Since I don’t love you, keeping you around even so, you might be happy. But what about me? Should I bet my lifelong happiness on whether I will love you one day? Don’t you think this is too cruel for me? Since you truly love me, then please give me a chance to see if I can live the life I want!”

Watching you slowly leave my sight, I realized that you have actually gone very, very far, but I still wish for an eternal promise.

At that time, I thought I had loved to the edge of pain, so why not capture time? But, in the end, I’ll never get back the day we fell in love.