Rebirth 1991: Keep the Fame, I'll Take the Royalties

The Hobo Negotiation

”Wake up, Paul,” Elias said, his baritone voice a smooth, satisfied rumble. ”The crisis has passed. We are buying pizza.”

Paul Rudd groaned, peeling his face off the stained carpet of Room 104. He blinked, the dim fluorescent light of The Pelican Motel assaulting his retinas. He looked around wildly, as if expecting FBI agents to be kicking down the door.

”Did we die?” Paul whispered hoarsely, adjusting his crushed flannel shirt. ”Are we in federal prison for corporate terrorism?”

”We are in Los Angeles, Paul, and we are heavily capitalized,” Elias corrected. He picked up the heavy plastic rotary phone from the wobbly desk and dialed a local premium pizzeria he had memorized from a flyer. ”Yes. I require three of your most aggressively overpriced, meat-heavy large pizzas. Put every available premium topping on them. Deliver to The Pelican Motel, Room 104.”

He hung up the receiver. Total capital expenditure: $60.00. The usual phantom pain in his chest was completely neutralized by the astronomical leverage he had just executed.

Charlize Theron let out a long, incredulous laugh, sliding down the wall to sit on the floor. ”You just spent sixty dollars on food. Who are you, and what have you done with the sociopath who made me eat generic chicken noodles for three weeks?”

”I am a man who rewards loyalty with highly processed cheese,” Elias smirked, crossing his long legs as he sat in the room’s single plastic chair.

Thirty minutes later, the smell of warm, authentic Italian pizza filled the cramped motel room. Paul was practically inhaling a slice covered in pepperoni and sausage, tears of pure, unadulterated joy streaming down his face. Charlize ate with the fierce appetite of a survivor, silently acknowledging that Elias had, once again, pulled off the impossible.

As they ate, Elias walked over to the motel’s payphone in the courtyard. He dialed the international corporate desk at Bank of America, utilizing his most commanding, terrifyingly adult baritone to bypass the phone representatives until he reached a senior account manager.

”Mr. van Kempen,” the bank manager stammered over the line, clearly looking at a screen that defied logic for a sixteen-year-old account holder. ”Yes, I can confirm. The wire transfer from Omnicom Group has officially cleared international routing. Two million dollars is fully liquid and available in the Sovereign Media corporate account.”

”Excellent. Expect a massive withdrawal tomorrow morning,” Elias replied smoothly, hanging up.

He walked back into Room 104, wiping a speck of tomato sauce from his lip with absolute aristocratic grace.

”The funds have cleared,” Elias announced, looking at his two employees. ”Two million dollars in liquid cash. Which means the era of The Pelican Motel is officially over. We are acquiring an operational headquarters tomorrow.”

Paul choked on his pizza crust. ”Two million?! Elias, we can rent a penthouse in Century City! We can get an office with a receptionist and a water cooler!”

”We are not renting anything, Paul,” Elias stated, his dark eyes flashing with pure capitalist hunger. ”Renting is for peasants who enjoy paying other people’s mortgages. We are buying. And we are taking advantage of the greatest economic tragedy of the decade.”

The following morning, the Los Angeles sun was beating down on Sunset Boulevard, illuminating the stark reality of the 1991 Savings and Loan crisis. The commercial real estate market was bleeding out. Banks were failing, credit was frozen, and massive commercial properties were sitting empty, rotting in the California heat.

Elias, Charlize, and Paul stood on the sidewalk in front of a sprawling, dilapidated building. It was a former theater that had been poorly converted into an industrial warehouse in the late 80s before being abandoned. The windows were boarded up, the stucco was peeling, and the walls were covered in faded graffiti. It smelled faintly of mildew and pigeon droppings.

Standing near the rusted chain-link fence was Mark, an elite commercial broker from CBRE. He was in his early thirties, wearing a perfectly tailored navy pinstripe suit, his hair slicked back with an offensive amount of gel.

Mark checked his gold Rolex, then looked up, his face immediately twisting into a mask of profound, unconcealed disgust as Elias’s crew approached.

Elias was wearing his signature, heavily distressed vintage denim jeans and a simple white t-shirt under his scuffed leather jacket. Charlize looked like a grunge icon in her combat boots, and Paul was sweating through a wrinkled button-down.

”Let me guess. You’re the Sovereign Media people,” Mark sneered, not bothering to extend his hand. He looked at Elias with blatant contempt. ”My office told me I was meeting a foreign investment group. I didn’t realize I was giving a tour to a high school garage band. Look, kid, I have a lunch meeting at Spago in an hour. Let’s make this quick.”

”Your lunch meeting is irrelevant, Mark,” Elias said, his voice a smooth, street-smart purr that carried effortless authority. ”Unlock the door. I want to see the structural decay for myself.”

Mark rolled his eyes, muttering under his breath as he jammed a heavy key into the rusted padlock on the front doors. He yanked them open, waving a hand at the dark, cavernous interior.

”It’s a prime location on Sunset,” Mark pitched aggressively, walking them into the stifling, dust-choked lobby. ”Twenty thousand square feet. High ceilings. The owner is asking two million flat. It’s a steal for this zip code, assuming you kids can actually qualify for a loan, which I highly doubt.”

Elias walked slowly through the space, his Photographic Memory taking in every single detail. Exposed wiring. Water damage on the drywall. The distinct, powdery texture of outdated insulation falling from the ceiling.

He was just about to pivot and deliver a devastating financial critique, when the loan shark in his cerebral cortex decided to intervene.

[CRITICAL WARNING: SHAMELESS POINTS (CP) AT ZERO.][INITIATING SITCOM PENALTY: THE POVERTY AESTHETIC.]

ZRRRIPP!

The sound was shockingly loud, echoing through the empty, cavernous warehouse like a gunshot.

The structural integrity of Elias’s heavily distressed vintage jeans completely gave way. A massive tear erupted just above his left knee, ripping violently upward along the seam all the way to his mid-thigh. A large flap of denim flapped open, completely exposing his pale leg to the dusty air.

Paul Rudd gasped loudly, slapping both hands over his face in sheer horror.

Charlize bit down hard on her lower lip, turning her face away, her shoulders shaking violently as she desperately tried to suppress a burst of hysterical laughter. The great, terrifying capitalist predator had just been reduced to a literal hobo by a wardrobe malfunction.

Mark, the CBRE broker, stopped dead in his tracks. He stared at Elias’s exposed thigh, and then he burst into a loud, mocking, incredibly arrogant laugh.

”Are you kidding me?” Mark wheezed, wiping a tear from his eye. ”Are you sure you can afford this two-million-dollar building, kid? Your pants aren’t even whole. You look like a vagrant who wandered off the bus stop. I am not wasting my morning on a homeless teenager. Get out of my building before I call the cops.”

A normal person would have blushed furiously. A normal teenager would have covered the tear with their hands and run out of the building in absolute, crushing humiliation.

Elias van Kempen did not flinch. He did not blush. He weaponized the humiliation with pure, unadulterated sociopathy.

He didn’t cover the tear. He actually shifted his weight, putting his exposed leg forward, projecting an aura of absolute, terrifying confidence. He looked down at the floor, spotting a large, rusted nail protruding from a rotten wooden floorboard just inches from his boot.

Elias looked back at the broker, a dark, charismatic, utterly shameless smile spreading across his face.

”Celana ini adalah metafora untuk portofolio properti komersial CBRE di tengah resesi ini, Mark,” Elias said smoothly, his baritone voice echoing in the dusty warehouse, completely paralyzing the broker’s laughter. (These pants are a metaphor for CBRE’s commercial property portfolio in the middle of this recession, Mark.) ”Terlalu mahal, strukturnya busuk, dan sebentar lagi akan hancur sepenuhnya.” (Priced too high, structurally rotten, and about to completely fall apart.)

Mark stopped laughing. The sheer, overwhelming dominance of Elias’s tone made the hairs on the back of his neck stand up.

”The Savings and Loan crisis has frozen the credit markets,” Elias continued, stepping dangerously close to the rusted nail, closing the distance between himself and the broker. ”No bank in California is issuing a two-million-dollar commercial mortgage for a distressed asset. Especially not for a building that is currently insulated with highly illegal, friable asbestos, and wired with ungrounded copper that violates every municipal fire code in Los Angeles.”

Mark swallowed hard, his face suddenly turning the color of wet cement. He knew about the asbestos. He was desperately trying to hide it.

”I don’t need a bank loan, Mark,” Elias whispered, unleashing the ultimate capitalist kill shot. ”I have one point two million dollars in hard, liquid cash sitting in a Bank of America checking account right now. That makes me the only god in Los Angeles who is willing to buy this toxic liability off your hands today.”

Elias slowly raised his foot, hovering his scuffed boot directly over the rusted, jagged nail.

”Turunkan harganya 40% sekarang,” Elias demanded softly, a terrifying glint in his eye. (Drop the price by 40% right now.) ”Atau aku akan sengaja menginjak paku berkarat itu, terkena tetanus di properti Anda yang tidak berizin, dan menuntut firmamu hingga bangkrut.” (Or I will intentionally step on that rusty nail, contract tetanus on your uninspected property, and sue your firm into bankruptcy.)

The silence in the warehouse was absolute.

Paul Rudd whimpered from the shadows, entirely terrified that his boss was about to intentionally impale himself just to save eight hundred thousand dollars.

Mark stared at Elias. A massive, cartoonish sweatdrop rolled down his slicked-back hair, dripping onto his expensive pinstripe suit. He looked at the torn pants, the rusted nail, and the dead, uncompromising eyes of the teenager. The kid was an absolute lunatic. He was a sociopath. And he had 1.2 million dollars in cash.

In a recession, cash was king.

”One... one point two million,” Mark stammered, his arrogance completely shattered. He pulled a handkerchief from his pocket and frantically dabbed his forehead. ”All cash. Thirty-day escrow.”

”Three-day escrow. I waive all inspections. You get your commission by Friday,” Elias countered smoothly, lowering his foot back to the safe concrete.

”Deal,” Mark choked out, pulling a pen from his breast pocket. ”Just... step away from the nail. I’ll draft the paperwork in my car.”

Mark turned and practically sprinted out of the warehouse, desperate to escape the terrifying gravitational pull of the teenager.

Elias stood in the center of the dusty, asbestos-filled room. He looked at the peeling walls and the high, cavernous ceilings.

Deep in his cerebral cortex, the loan shark surrendered to his brilliance.

[CHA-CHING!][SYSTEM NOTIFICATION: HOBO NEGOTIATION TACTICS SUCCESSFUL!][EVALUATION: YOU UTILIZED A HUMILIATING WARDROBE MALFUNCTION AND THE THREAT OF INTENTIONAL BIOLOGICAL INFECTION TO SECURE AN $800,000 DISCOUNT ON PRIME REAL ESTATE. YOUR SHAMELESSNESS DEFIES HUMAN LOGIC.][REWARD: +20 SHAMELESS POINTS (CP) DEPOSITED.]

Elias smiled, feeling his CP return to a functional 20. The system had tried to embarrass him, and he had used it to buy a fortress.

Charlize walked over to him, shaking her head slowly. She reached out and patted the flapping denim of his torn jeans.

”You are a disgusting, brilliant, horrifying creature,” Charlize said, her blue eyes shining with a mixture of disbelief and deep respect. ”You just saved eight hundred thousand dollars by threatening to get a rusty nail infection.”

”I am a landlord, Charlize,” Elias corrected, adjusting his vintage leather jacket with absolute aristocratic grace, entirely ignoring his exposed thigh. ”Welcome to the global headquarters of Sovereign Media.”