My Alleged Husband

Chapter 841: Chapter 787: Childhood Fright

Zhang Yichen now feels that his father’s experiences outside over these years were indeed a rich tapestry of life—experiences that he himself has not had. He too wanted to wander freely and live for himself, unfettered by the world. However, all these years he has been working towards his goals, trying to prove to the whole world that he is a good man, yet he has forgotten what it is that he ultimately wants.

”Dad, do you know? When I hear about your life experiences, what I feel deep inside is mostly envy. I admire you even more for living so unrestrainedly outside for so long, able to disregard everything at home and live freely just for your own happiness. Yet, I can’t do that. My entire life has been spent running around for the sake of everyone in the family. I have never known what it’s like to live on my own; I haven’t even tried to figure out how to do it!”

Perhaps it’s because our experiences are different that we have different attitudes towards everything. You, living outside so happily and freely all these years, have had a fulfilling, carefree, and liberated life. But what about me? I’ve been here enduring devilish training, and at that time, I truly hated you. I’ve said these words no less than a hundred times, announcing to the whole world how much I really hate you. I didn’t want to acknowledge you as my parents because you were never by my side, you’ve only ever caused me pain, never fulfilling your responsibilities as parents. Instead, time and time again, you have hurt us. Perhaps, deep down, you don’t think I am worthy of being your son.

It is precisely because I am afraid that deep down you don’t think I deserve to be your son that I have given everything I have. I’ve spent my youth, my time, my childhood all on training because I wanted to let you know that I am truly your son, that I am worthy of being your son. But are you truly worthy of being my parents? Deep down, you know better than anyone that you’re not the most fitting ones. There are many more perfect parents in the world, and even impoverished parents would struggle to stay by their child’s side, no matter how hard and exhausting their own lives might be. But what about you?

You would rather not stay by your child’s side at the slightest hint of a breeze. You treat your child like grass to be kept or discarded at will. Where do you place me, your son? Where do I stand in your hearts? I have no idea how important I am to you because I can’t comprehend why you’d rather drift out there than stay by my side. Does staying with me cause you that much agony, or deep down, do you think I only belong here?

Mom and Dad, there are some things I really don’t want to repeat over and over, because it hurts me deep inside each time I remember them. When I recall the years you abandoned me, the tough childhood I went through alone, enduring others’ ridicule, it cuts me like a knife.

But I can’t help it; I really can’t just easily let go of all the past like nothing happened. You can be indifferent to the past, you can act as if it never happened, but I can’t because that pain was inflicted upon me by others!

I truly wish time could flow backward. I wish more than anyone that if time could just reverse a little, I wouldn’t have to live as hard as I do now.

If only time could move back a little, I could be happy, and I would never let my childhood be lived in painful memories. When I recall the things I went through, every moment of my childhood, my heart can hardly believe it—is that really a child’s childhood? Why are other people’s childhoods sunny and bright while mine was dark and damp?

We are all children, so why is my childhood so vastly different from others? It’s because I was born into a wealthy family; I have to accept the fate of being abandoned by my parents, accept falling down time and again and then picking myself up strong, while still smiling in the face of everyone’s mockery, right?

I am not reconciled, truly not reconciled. You are unreconciled about many things, so why can’t my heart be unreconciled just once? I’ve given so much, why is the outcome like this? If I had known it would turn out this way, why would I have chosen to be born to you? Why did you give birth to me and make me suffer this pain?”

”Child, don’t speak anymore. We know how you’ve struggled over these years. Everything you’ve achieved has come from your own effort. You never asked anyone for help, and because of that, we, as your parents, feel even more heartbroken deep inside. We never intended to bring this pain upon you; we just wanted you to live a peaceful and simple life.

But why did I end up causing you such suffering, over and over, to the point where being parents has lost its meaning? I don’t even know how to give my child a happy and peaceful family anymore!”

You’re right; we really are not qualified parents, because we haven’t fulfilled even a shred of our responsibilities. We’ve only brought you so much pain. Can you hate us deep inside? But don’t take it out on your mother. She did these things because she had no other choice; she was forced by me. She never thought about abandoning you, about giving up on her own son. When she held you and I tried to pull her away, she refused to let go; she could not bear it. After all, you are the child she bore for ten months, connected by blood!”

”Who forced it really doesn’t matter anymore. Today, I just want to pour out all the thoughts that have been buried in my heart for so many years. I don’t want to trap myself in a small room forever, I don’t want to live in painful memories all my life. I just want you to know that I have already forgiven you. If I hadn’t forgiven you, I wouldn’t have said these words to you. Because I have no obligation, nor the responsibility to ease the guilt in your hearts!”