My Alleged Husband

Chapter 1150: Chapter 1010: Working Together

”None of you can imagine the last time I held it in my arms, I took advantage of that moment when the night became so dim. I thought of when I cradled him, those memories were really too painful to touch. Once I did, I could only silently endure the pain deep within my heart. When I held his hand, I never wanted to let go, but I did anyway because I knew one day I would have no choice. On the last day, I still had to face the decision to let go of his hand. In my world, the kind of security I wanted for him, this love, was far too distant for me to give.”

Now everyone regrets their past. Each person can clearly see the harm they have brought upon their family members.

If the path I walked before was the right one, it wouldn’t have led any family member to this current outcome. None of this would have happened, and my life wouldn’t be so difficult now. If all those repeated mistakes were all caused by me, then no matter what, I would never be able to forgive myself for those mistakes. Watching my closest ones get hurt time and again, watching them turn wounded and scarred, that feeling makes me feel like such a failure. Yet none of this is in my control; all I ever wanted was a simple life, but that life is something I can never give them again.

If I hadn’t chosen to treat everyone in the family the way I did, would the outcome be vastly different from now? Watching my son in such unbearable pain, seeing those around me transformed step by step into what they’ve become today—I regret it. I regret what I did, regret the sorrow and pain I brought them, regret the indelible hurt I caused them over and over again.

”I’m sorry if back then I hadn’t chosen to act that way. If I had lived honestly, if I hadn’t foolishly chased after so-called freedom and love, I wouldn’t have left you. If we hadn’t been so selfish and continuously intruded into your life, disrupting every decision you made, he wouldn’t have left, much less become who he is now. In fact, all of this is a consequence of my mistakes. I have no reason, no qualification to blame others. Think more about the mistakes I’ve made and how I should live my life.”

Mom and Dad have never been more sober than they are at this moment, never regretted their decisions more than they do now. Do you know? When every decision was made, I was so afraid. I had hoped everything would be simple. I wished this all was nothing but a dream, a fleeting spectacle.

At your age, I watched my love slip away. I watched everything I once hoped for vanish before my eyes.

Finally, the heavens have been fair for once; the harm I’ve caused others has finally befallen me. Had it been like this earlier, how different things would be. I wouldn’t have become who I am now, nor would I have been hurt repeatedly or hurt others again and again.

From the beginning, I knew that by choosing to hurt others repeatedly, one day I too would be hurt. I just didn’t realize that day would come so soon. I didn’t expect the pain would be from my own hands. Seeing the shattered family, how could my heart ever find peace? I once thought I could be stone-hearted and indifferent to all your matters.

It wasn’t until everything came crashing down on me that I realized I didn’t have the capacity to make it seem as if none of it ever happened. The life I wanted is filled with sorrow, a road I can never take.

I wish time could halt and wait for me, not just age me and take me away, leaving my mistakes unrectified, fading with the wind.

Now, I finally understand why you hated me so deeply, why your hatred was so intense you wished for my death right before your eyes. Now I also comprehend what turned you into who you are and what crushed you so severely. All mistakes were mine. I did everything wrong; I hurt you, hoping time would pause so I could soothe your wounds with my love, dissolve all our unhappiness. But now time has passed, and such events happen repeatedly in the family. We might truly never return to those happy times. Growing up watching you, but never being there for you—a feeling that deeply wounds my heart—watching my loved ones unable to hug, recognize them, only stare numbly from afar, reminiscing all this, I can’t believe I resisted that impulse, the impulse to hold you tight.

When I decided to stand in the far-off known distance, I knew my path was set. You knew the concept of your life’s decisions. When dreams repeatedly fall upon me, I became frightened. I wanted courage at infinity’s end, to move forward towards my steadfast goals. But I forgot that was never meant to be my path. No longer young and impetuous, why repeat unforgivable mistakes, causing others to suffer for me again and again?

I don’t know who will defeat the ultimate darkness. Nor do I know how we should manage our time. I only know the path I should take, but now still feel lost. I don’t know if the road I’m on is right or wrong. I’ve witnessed too many joys and sorrows, knowing I’ve committed unforgivable mistakes. I have been punished; hopefully, this ends, and no innocent will be further harmed. I believe if we try our hardest, we can definitely restore what’s lost...”