My Alleged Husband

Chapter 1148: Chapter 1008: Lost

Xia Jing knows that whatever he says or does now will be of no use. Perhaps what his son needs most right now is someone who can silently comfort him without asking about what happened—a person like that. But he’s not that person, because he can’t do it wholeheartedly. Whenever he sits by his side, he can’t help but want to care about everything about him, including his nerves. I can’t bear such a life. Maybe you would gladly, or maybe you’d pretend to be enthusiastic, but I really can’t pretend to enjoy my meal.

”I hope I can calm down here alone. I don’t want you to appear in my sight to disturb all my thoughts. Maybe now, you feel the happiest, with one less opponent, one less person to fight with you for your son. But do you understand? None of this has anything to do with him; it’s all the things you left behind with heartless determination. My attitude towards you today is entirely because of the hurt you caused me back then. I can’t understand, even as the closest person to you, I still can’t understand why you chose to abandon me so ruthlessly back then.

Have you been happy these years since you left me? Perhaps you have been truly happy, because you were willing to pay any price to leave me. You succeeded, you achieved your most desired goals. And what about me? I am bearing all the hurt and pain given to me by everyone, but I can only quietly endure it. I can’t announce to anyone that you are my family.

Whenever I see you, I think of my family from before because of the hurt you brought upon us. Do you understand? No matter how much remorse and repentance you have in this world, you can never compensate for the harm you caused him and me. Watching my wife leave me, seeing my once happy family fall apart like this, watching all the happiness I owned turn to ash—aren’t you the least bit heartbroken?

Yes, you are originally a person with a heart of stone. How could you possibly feel heartache because of someone else’s hurt? In your eyes, only your own interests matter, your own interests matter more than anything. Do you understand? I’m really afraid of encountering such a mother, and yet you’ve allowed me to encounter a person who only lives selfishly—aren’t you tired? Hurting the closest people to you again and again for your desires, don’t you feel heartache, don’t you regret it? Isn’t there even a trace of guilt and unease deep in your heart?

Perhaps some things are only understandable if everyone chooses to calm down, communicate well, and think carefully. But I hope everyone can think carefully. If this is truly the case, is it really necessary for us to continue living together? If all these bizarre events are related to my wife, I will never let them come back.”

”Yichen, Mom never intended to mock you in this way. Everyone makes mistakes and goes astray. I was too radical back then and put in a lot of effort to achieve today’s success. Can’t you consider, even slightly, from the standpoint of my achievements? Consider why I chose to become the way I am now?

In life, maybe you think love is important, and feel that every family member is sincere towards you. But only when you gradually enter society, you will find that the safest home is in your hometown; however, it’s not the place you live in—perhaps it’s a distant and fragile dream.

For a while, I thought naively that genuine effort would lead to a fair return. But I ultimately discovered that our love could never compare to a brief moment of joy!

Sometimes, during such fleeting relationships, as we look up at the sky, our tears never fall. We never utter a single complaint, yet our hearts are filled with endless emotions. We regard it as an embedding of past and future lives, and then we can only say that the path we’ve walked in this life will never be possible.

I’m not brave enough for love; I don’t hope to be with him forever, because forever is too far. But now I’m trapped in the abyss of love, unable to extricate myself. I only wish he could live, only wish he could return to my side, reappear in my life. But why is it so difficult? I oscillate between love and indifference countless times, even if I’m already scarred, I don’t care. Looking at him brings me comfort, a sense of reassurance. Now that he’s gone from my life, my comfort and reassurance have completely disappeared with him. I no longer know how to find him; I no longer know how to live. Every step I’ve taken has turned out to be wrong.

I once thought that if I could live alone, I wouldn’t know what decisions I’d face. I imagined countless scenarios of losing him, but never thought I’d be so overwhelmed, so crazily searching for him all over the world. Where is he now? Is he hiding in some corner, secretly watching me—a fool—searching everywhere, and yet never thought of showing himself?

Initially, I ignored all the sincerity he gave me, always thinking I wouldn’t invest any emotions in him, even marrying for so-called love back then. But I didn’t know what love was. In confusion, I chose to be with him. Now, his departure has made me truly realize that I cared so deeply for him, willing to pay any price for him. I can search day and night without sleep or rest, just to get even the slightest news about him.

Yet, deep down, I clearly understand—this possibility is extremely small, extremely small. Even if I give everything, I might not obtain his heart. Now his heart no longer has a place for me. I watch helplessly as the woman I love most leaves, as the woman willing to give everything for me is wounded beyond recovery until she can only hide. Who would have thought the hurt she endured was so enormous, making her choose this way to escape reality, escape the confusion I brought to her.”

As Zhang Yichen gazes at the sky filled with disappointment, he doesn’t want his tears to fall effortlessly. He only wants to live happily.