Harry Potter: Most Annoying System Ever

Narcissa wiped her eyes, composing herself with years of practiced pureblood discipline. She leaned forward, pressing a soft, lingering kiss to Orion’s forehead.

”We will protect you, Orion,” she whispered fiercely. ”She won’t hurt you. I won’t let her.”

With a final, reassuring squeeze of his shoulder, Narcissa stood and slipped silently out of the bedroom, leaving Orion alone with the staggering weight of his new reality.

The heavy oak door clicked shut.

Orion let out a long, slow exhale. He leaned back against the headboard, staring up at the painted cherubs on the ceiling. The silence in the room was absolute, but inside his head, gears were grinding at blinding speed.

”Hmm,” Orion murmured aloud. ”So, Sparkle. You didn’t know about this little administrative landmine either?”

”I only have as much contextual lore information as you do, boss,” Sparkle’s interface flickered into existence, glowing a subdued, apologetic blue. ”The system generates rewards and tracks narrative progress, but I don’t get a pre-loaded dossier of every off-screen character’s birth certificate. I’m an interface, not an omniscient narrator.”

She paused, her waveform shifting slightly.

”Besides,” Sparkle added, a hint of her usual sass returning, ”weren’t you the one who stood in front of a Boggart and boldly declared you were going to face the changes in the timeline and just roll with it? ’Fuck with the timeline,’ as you so eloquently put it?”

”Yep,” Orion agreed, crossing his arms and maintaining his calm exterior. ”I said that. And I meant it. But I have absolutely no intention of bottling my anger or pretending to be cheerful when the difficulty setting gets cranked from ’Hogwarts Prank War’ to ’Hunted by a Psychotic Zealot’. If the situation worsens unexpectedly, I will react accordingly. Complaining is therapeutic.”

He sat forward, cracking his knuckles.

”And now that I have the gist of the threat vector, I will plan for the future. Today is Thursday.”

Orion calculated the timeline in his head.

”If I remember the conversation between Father and Dumbledore correctly, Draco and I will be returning to Hogwarts on Sunday. Which means...”

He looked toward the locked window.

”...knowing that Bellatrix is out, and knowing the fanatical, obsessive nature of the Black family madness my mother just described, there is a very high probability she comes visiting, within the next two days. She will want to see her ’dear sister’ and, more terrifyingly, check on her ’dearest godson’.”

”You think she’d risk breaching Lucius’s wards?” Sparkle asked.

”She doesn’t have to. She’s Bellatrix Lestrange,” Orion stated flatly. ”She is practically family. She cares about possession. She claimed me. She’ll want to see what she owns. Lucius also won’t stop her from entering the manor. He will most likely only place wards to alert him, should she arrive. Nothing else.”

He stood up, pacing the rug at the foot of his bed.

”I need to be ready. I cannot fight her—I’m thirteen, and she’s a seasoned killer—but I can prepare contingencies. However, before I start drafting survival protocols...”

Orion turned to the blue screen, a spark of anticipation cutting through the dread.

”First, we take stock of my achievements. The ’Freeing Sirius Black’ questline is officially over by ninety-five percent.”

”Huh?” Sparkle’s interface flashed a question mark. ”Ninety-five percent? Is there something still remaining? The man is free and recovering. What else is there?”

”Yep, there is one final, incredibly interesting loose thread,” Orion smirked, a secretive glint in his eye. ”But I won’t reveal that part just yet. Come on, Sparkle. Bring out the achievements. I need a morale boost.”

The interface flared brightly, the celebratory gold border returning.

”You got it, boss. Let’s begin with the Tier 1 appetizers, as usual. The ’You’re Hilarious But Useless’ collection.”

A cascade of smaller, glowing notification boxes popped onto the screen.

[ ACHIEVEMENT UNLOCKED! ]

Tier: 1 (Basic)

Name: Ah Shit, Here We Go Again

Description: You have caused every single authority figure you meet to develop a stress-induced migraine simply by existing in their general vicinity. Dumbledore, Snape, McGonagall, and Bones all looked at you and collectively realized you were about to ruin their perfectly peaceful evening. Your reputation as an architect of chaos is absolute.

Reward: 1x Miniature Toy Rocket Launcher.

Orion opened his inventory. A tiny, plastic, olive-green tube materialized in his hand. It looked like a Muggle toy.

”It launches tiny, completely harmless fireworks that make a loud ’pop’ sound,” Sparkle explained. ”Excellent for startling sleeping portraits or annoying Draco.”

”It goes in the ’Prank Drawer’ with the honking rubber duck,” Orion decided, vanishing it. ”Next.”

[ ACHIEVEMENT UNLOCKED! ]

Tier: 1 (Basic)

Name: The Malfoy Catchphrase

Description: You successfully weaponized the most overused, clichéd, pureblood-entitlement Malfoy-escue phrase in the history of Hogwarts: ’Wait until my father hears about this.’ You didn’t use it to complain about a bad grade; you used it to politically strong-arm the Head of the DMLE. Lucius would be so proud if he was aware and also wasn’t currently terrified of something else.

Reward: 1x Box of ”Patriarch’s Pride” Toffees.

Orion checked the grid. A small, elegant silver tin appeared.

”Each candy makes you sound exactly like Lucius Malfoy for ten minutes,” Sparkle giggled. ”The drawl, the condescension, the exact vocal pitch. Everything.”

Orion stared at the tin, a slow, wicked smile spreading across his face.

”Oh,” Orion breathed reverently. ”This is not a Tier 1 reward. This is a weapon of mass psychological destruction. I can use this to absolutely terrorize his ministry lackeys, or give Draco a heart attack in the dark.”

”I knew you’d like that one,” Sparkle hummed happily. ”There are still a few more Tier 1’s remaining. Ready for the next batch?”

”Hit me,” Orion said, sitting back on the bed, eager to see what other ridiculous tools the System had decided to arm him with before the storm arrived.