Harry Potter: Most Annoying System Ever

The heavy oak door of Professor Lupin’s office was only fifty feet away, but the tension in the corridor was thick enough to stop a bludger.

Hermione Granger stood her ground, her wand unwavering, her brown eyes blazing with a mixture of fear and absolute, fierce protectiveness. The fallen books scattered around her feet only added to the dramatic tableau.

Orion didn’t reach for his own wand. He remained perfectly relaxed, balancing the glass jar containing Peter Pettigrew loosely in his right hand.

”Calm down, Granger,” Orion said softly, his voice smooth and devoid of any threat. He offered a polite, disarming smile. ”I trust you to be significantly better than Potter when it comes to jumping to wild assumptions. So please, lower the wand. We can talk.”

Hermione didn’t budge. ”Answer the question, Malfoy. Why do you have my cat?”

”As a gesture of goodwill,” Orion replied.

He unceremoniously dropped his left arm, releasing his grip on the heavy feline. Crookshanks landed on the stone floor with a soft, athletic thud. He didn’t bolt. He calmly trotted over to Hermione, rubbing his large, orange head against her shins, purring loudly enough to vibrate the corridor.

”Oh, good, you’re here,” Crookshanks rumbled to Orion, though Hermione only heard a series of loud, affectionate meows. ”Tell the kind brother not to forget my fish. I expect the first delivery in the morning.”

Hermione immediately lowered her wand slightly, dropping to one knee to scoop the massive cat into her arms. She buried her face in his fur, soothing him. ”It’s okay, Crooks. You’re safe now. I’ve got you.”

Orion watched the display of affection, fighting a sudden urge to rub his temples. The sheer lack of communication between species was exhausting.

Hermione stood back up, clutching Crookshanks tightly to her chest. She pointed her wand back at Orion, though her stance was slightly less aggressive.

”What were you doing with him?” Hermione demanded, her voice tight. She noticed the thing in the glass jar in his hand for the first time. Her eyes widened. ”And... and what did you do to Ron’s rat?! Is it dead?!”

Orion let out a long, theatrical sigh.

”If you want answers, Granger,” Orion said, gesturing casually toward the heavy oak door down the hall, ”why not join me in talking with Professor Lupin? I was on my way there anyway.”

He smirked, a sharp, genuine expression of amusement.

”I actually need your cat to give testimony,” Orion added, tapping the glass jar lightly with his index finger. ”In the form of meows, naturally. But perhaps, given your undeniable... sisterly bond... you can translate for him?”

Hermione’s face flushed a brilliant, embarrassed pink, the memory of her furry, tailed disaster in Moaning Myrtle’s bathroom flashing in her eyes. She gripped Crookshanks tighter, the cat letting out a muffled squeak of protest.

She remained quiet for a long moment, her brilliant mind racing, analyzing the situation. Malfoy was holding a rat that looked remarkably like Scabbers, he had her cat, and he was willingly offering to go to a teacher.

Slowly, reluctantly, she lowered her wand halfway.

She released Crookshanks, who immediately began weaving between her legs again. She quickly gathered her fallen books, shoving them haphazardly into her already bulging, straining canvas bag.

Orion watched the canvas stretch, mentally noting the structural failure waiting to happen. I really must point her toward a basic Undetectable Extension Charm tutorial later, he thought. It’s painful to watch.

Hermione hoisted the heavy bag onto her shoulder, picked Crookshanks back up, and leveled a stern look at Orion.

”Let’s go,” she said crisply. ”And it had better be a valid reason, Malfoy. If this is some sort of joke...”

”I assure you, Granger, the punchline is going to be spectacular,” Orion promised.

They walked the remaining distance in tense silence and knocked on Professor Lupin’s door.

”Enter,” Lupin’s tired voice called out.

Orion pushed the door open, stepping aside to allow Hermione to enter first. Lupin was seated behind his desk, looking weary, nursing a cup of tea. He looked up, his eyebrows rising in profound, absolute confusion at the sight of the Slytherin prodigy and the Gryffindor know-it-all entering his office together, accompanied by a very large, very purring orange cat.

”Mr. Malfoy. Miss Granger,” Lupin greeted them slowly, setting his teacup down. ”What... an unexpected pairing. Is there a problem?”

”A minor complication, Professor,” Orion began smoothly, taking a seat opposite the desk and gesturing for Hermione to do the same. He kept the glass jar in his hand, hidden for a while.

”I was minding my own business in a quiet corridor,” Orion lied flawlessly, weaving the narrative with practiced ease, ”when Granger’s cat here decided to bring me a... gift.”

He pointed to Crookshanks, who was currently draped across Hermione’s lap, looking incredibly smug.

”Don’t forget the fish,” Crookshanks chirped loudly, letting out a sharp, affirmative meow that echoed in the quiet office.

”It sounds like an affirmation from the beast,” Orion noted dryly, ignoring Hermione’s confused look. ”The problem, Professor, is that I recognized the unfortunate offering.”

He then brought the glass jar up, placing it on the table and tapping it gently.

”I believe this is Ronald Weasley’s pet rat, Scabbers. Or, what’s left of him.”

Hermione gasped, clutching Crookshanks tighter. ”Crookshanks! You didn’t!”

”I was worried,” Orion continued, adopting a tone of sincere, pragmatic concern, ”that if Weasley saw me with it, he would immediately assume I had killed his pet out of sheer spite. Given our... history... it is a logical assumption on his part.”

Orion leaned forward, resting his hands on his knees, looking directly into Lupin’s eyes.

”I chose to bring him here to you, Professor, because I trust you. You are level-headed. I thought you could perhaps mediate the situation. Explain to Weasley that it was a natural feline hunting accident, and not a Slytherin assassination plot.”

Lupin listened to the story, nodding slowly, a sympathetic smile touching his scarred face. ”That is very thoughtful of you, Orion. Avoiding unnecessary house conflict is always wise. And Miss Granger, please don’t be too hard on your cat. It is in their nature to hunt.”

Lupin reached across the desk, pulling the glass jar closer to inspect the ’dead’ rat, likely intending to confirm its identity before breaking the bad news to Ron.

He leaned over the jar.

Orion watched the Professor’s face closely.

Lupin’s eyes scanned the rat. They took in the matted grey fur, the plump belly, and finally... the front right paw.

Specifically, the paw that was missing a single, distinct toe.

Lupin froze.

The sympathetic smile vanished from his face instantly, replaced by a look of absolute, soul-shattering horror. The color drained completely from his scarred features, leaving him looking as grey and lifeless as the rat in the jar. He stopped breathing. His hands, hovering over the glass, began to tremble violently.

He stared at the rat, his eyes widening until the whites showed, locked in a silent, agonizing scream of recognition.