Harry Potter: Most Annoying System Ever

The freezing water of the Black Lake lapped gently against the rocky shore.

Orion, in his majestic, blindingly white swan form, floated perfectly still. He stared up at Luna Lovegood through dark, avian eyes, his mind struggling to process the absolute, casual certainty with which she had just unmasked one of the most difficult and highly guarded pieces of magic he possessed.

She didn’t wait for him to respond. She didn’t gasp or demand an explanation. She simply stepped closer to the water’s edge, leaning down.

She reached out a pale hand and gently, affectionately, patted him on the top of his feathered head.

A sudden, sharp jolt of realization hit Orion. Is this how Professor McGonagall felt? he wondered internally, the memory of his audacious ’Grimalkin’ prank from his first year flashing in his mind. The sheer, paralyzing shock of being treated like a domestic pet while possessing a human intellect?

To be fair, however, Orion didn’t feel the burning mortification that the Deputy Headmistress had undoubtedly experienced. He didn’t feel the urge to flee down a drainpipe. Luna’s touch was light, completely devoid of mockery or condescension. She looked perfectly serene, her silvery eyes reflecting the calm surface of the lake.

”There is no one around,” Luna stated airily, looking up and scanning the empty, frost-bitten lawns leading back to the castle. She looked back down at him. ”You can change if you want to. It must be cold in the water.”

Orion hesitated for a fraction of a second. Then, utilizing the powerful, webbed feet, he paddled out of the shallows, waddling clumsily up onto the pebble beach. He moved behind the thick trunk of a nearby, ancient willow tree, shielding himself from any distant windows of the castle.

He focused his intent, reversing the flow of magic. The heavy feathers melted, the neck compressed, and within seconds, he was a thirteen-year-old boy again, wrapping his thick winter cloak tightly around his uniform.

He stepped out from behind the tree.

”Hello, Luna,” Orion said, his voice smooth and betraying none of the internal shock. He offered a polite nod. ”I suppose that answers my question as to why you have a tendency to pat my head in the corridors.”

”Yes,” Luna agreed cheerfully, her radish earrings swaying as she nodded. ”It’s a very nice head. And after all, humans are also animals, right? My father and I read a Muggle book once that said there was a time, long ago, when humans were actually monkeys.”

She tilted her head, a look of profound, genuine curiosity crossing her face.

”I wonder why everyone’s Animagus forms don’t just look like monkeys, then? If that’s what we used to be. It seems like it would be much easier to remember.”

Orion stared at her, his analytical mind stuttering for a moment as it tried to process the sheer, bizarre logic of evolutionary biology applied to complex Transfiguration theory.

”Food for thought,” Orion muttered, shaking his head slightly. ”Magic is undeniably weird, Luna. It rarely follows standard Darwinian principles.”

He looked at the girl, his mind shifting from the philosophical to the highly pragmatic. A sudden, incredibly useful plan began to form.

”Luna,” Orion asked, his tone turning serious and calculating. ”A hypothetical question. Could your father, Xenophilius, purchase a swan for you?”

Luna blinked, her large eyes widening slightly. ”A swan? My father loves animals and birds. We have many creatures near our house. Finding a mundane swan to buy would be difficult, but certainly not impossible. He knows many people.”

She frowned thoughtfully, looking Orion up and down with a sudden, intense seriousness.

”Do you want a mate for yourself, Orion?” Luna asked, her voice hushed with concern. ”Because you are an Animagus. I read that the psychology can get confusing. Would a real swan work? Or would you need to find another Animagus who is also a swan? That might be very difficult.”

She tapped her chin, looking up at the sky.

”I wonder what my own Animagus form would be,” Luna mused. ”I doubt it’s a swan. Perhaps a very large rabbit, I like rabbits. Or a Crumple-Horned Snorkack, if I focused really hard.”

Orion closed his eyes, holding up a hand to stop the rapidly escalating, deeply uncomfortable line of questioning.

”Stop. Stop right there, Luna,” Orion sighed, rubbing the bridge of his nose. ”That is absolutely, unequivocally not what I had in mind. I do not want a mate.”

”I don’t know,” Sparkle chimed in from the digital ether, sounding highly amused. ”A magical bird-wedding sounds like a great side quest.”

Quiet, Orion ordered mentally.

He lowered his hand, looking at Luna with a serious, conspiratorial expression.

”I was wondering,” Orion explained, carefully enunciating his words, ”if your father could purchase a swan, and officially register it as your pet with the school, or at least have a paper trail proving ownership.”

He gestured back toward the lake.

”That way, we can officially ’release’ your pet swan into the wild here at Hogwarts. If I get the chance to be in the open, to fly around the castle or swim in the lake during the day, and if anyone asks... it’s not an unregistered, highly illegal Animagus. It’s just Luna Lovegood’s eccentric, oversized pet moving around.”

Luna stared at him, processing the sheer, manipulative genius of the request. To provide a biological alibi for his secret form using her family’s reputation for eccentricity.

She smiled, a bright, knowing expression.

”Hmm,” Luna hummed, rocking back on her mismatched boots. ”I will ask my father. He is very good at paperwork when it involves helping creatures.”

”Thank you, Luna,” Orion said, feeling a surge of genuine gratitude. The freedom to fly over the castle without fear of discovery was a monumental tactical advantage.

He checked his watch. ”Come on. I need to get back to the dungeons to gather my things. I will escort you back to the castle, and then I must leave. I have a rather tedious appointment at the Ministry tomorrow.”

Luna nodded, falling into step beside him. ”The medal ceremony. It will be very shiny. Good luck for tomorrow, Orion. I hope Fudge doesn’t drop it.”

”If he does, I’ll make sure Robin is there to catch it,” Orion smirked.

They walked back up the sloping lawns together. Orion moved with his usual, measured, aristocratic stride, his mind buzzing with the possibilities of his new, avian alibi. Beside him, Luna hopped happily through the frost-bitten grass, her colorful scarf trailing behind her, completely unbothered by the cold or the complexities of the wizarding world.

For a moment, Orion let the weight of his schemes drop, simply enjoying the quiet, bizarre company of the one person who saw through his masks and liked him anyway.