Harry Potter: Most Annoying System Ever

The heavy oak door of the Vanishing Cabinet hung open, the unconscious form of Peter Pettigrew—currently resembling an exceptionally fat, ugly rat—lying inert on the wooden floor.

Orion looked at the rodent, a cold, clinical detachment settling over him. He was a scientist preparing to test a potentially lethal prototype.

”Dobby,” Orion commanded, turning to the elf. ”I need you to return to Malfoy Manor. Specifically, my bedroom. Stand by the twin cabinet.”

Dobby nodded, his ears bobbing. ”Dobby will go to the Master’s room!”

”Listen carefully,” Orion instructed, his voice dropping to a serious whisper. ”Wait for the runes on the exterior of the cabinet to glow. When they do, open the door. If the rat is inside, close the door immediately and wait. When the runes glow a second time, return back here. Understood?”

”Wait for the glow, open, close, wait for the glow, pop back!” Dobby repeated the sequence perfectly.

”Execute,” Orion ordered.

CRACK.

Dobby vanished, bound for Wiltshire.

Orion turned back to the cabinet. He took a deep breath, raised a hand, and pushed the heavy wooden door shut. The latch clicked softly in the quiet trunk-study.

He stepped back, his eyes fixed on the intricate runic sequences he had painstakingly carved into the frame over the summer.

For a heartbeat, nothing happened.

Then, a deep, resonant hum vibrated through the floorboards. The runes flared with a brilliant, pulsing azure light, a visual confirmation of spatial displacement activating. The magic felt heavy, pulling at the air in the room.

The light faded. The hum ceased.

Orion stepped forward and pulled the door open.

The cabinet was empty.

A surge of genuine, professional pride rushed through him. The first half of the bridge was stable.

He pushed the door closed again. Now came the true test of the two-way tether. He waited, staring at the blank wood.

Thirty seconds passed. A minute.

Then, the familiar hum returned. The runes flared azure once more, signaling an incoming transit.

Orion pulled the door open.

Lying in the exact center of the cabinet, still completely unconscious and snoring softly, was the grey rat.

Orion let out a long, slow breath, a triumphant smile spreading across his face. He leaned in, quickly checking the rat’s physical condition. No missing limbs. No bizarre magical mutations.

”Still alive, you stupid, undying idiot,” Orion muttered, shaking his head. ”Well, good for him. It is a genuine shame he didn’t splinch himself across the English countryside, but from a purely scientific standpoint, a successful first test is a monumental achievement.”

”You spent a whole lot of time on it, though,” Sparkle’s interface chimed in, glowing a celebratory gold. ”Two years of research, translation, and carving. It wasn’t exactly a rushed prototype.”

”True,” Orion conceded, reaching in and plucking the unconscious rat from the floor by the scruff of its neck. ”But the investment pays off immediately. I can now technically leave Hogwarts, travel to Wiltshire, and return without ever triggering the Headmaster’s external wards. The strategic implications are massive.”

CRACK.

Dobby appeared near the ladder, looking incredibly pleased with himself. ”The rat arrived and went back, Master Orion! Dobby did exactly as told!”

”You performed flawlessly, Dobby,” Orion praised, turning to face the elf. ”Your assistance was invaluable. You are dismissed for the evening. Get some rest.”

”Dobby serves the great Master Orion!” With a final, happy bow, the elf vanished.

Orion stood alone in his study, holding the traitorous Animagus by the scruff. He walked over to his desk and unceremoniously dropped the rat onto a conjured metal tray.

”Hmm,” Orion mused, crossing his arms and staring at the slumbering rodent. ”Now... what to do with you.”

He could kill him right now. A quick Diffindo or a crushing curse, and Voldemort’s most crucial servant would be eliminated. It was clean. It was efficient.

But it was also a waste of an incredibly valuable asset.

”I could technically use him to exonerate Sirius Black,” Orion said aloud, his mind shifting gears, abandoning the idea of summary execution.

”I mean, yeah,” Sparkle agreed. ”That was the whole point of Black breaking out of Azkaban. He wants the rat dead to prove his innocence. But if you have the rat... how are you going to present it without looking insanely suspicious?”

Orion paced the length of the trunk, his mind running parallel plans, weighing risks against rewards.

”If I go straight to Dumbledore and throw the rat on his desk,” Orion analyzed, ”I have to explain how I knew it was Peter Pettigrew. I would have to reveal that I know the Animagus registry is incomplete. I might even have to reveal the existence of the Marauder’s Map to justify how I tracked him. Those are options I absolutely refuse to use. The Map is my advantage, and my foreknowledge is my greatest weapon.”

He stopped pacing, turning back to look at the rat.

”I need an intermediary. Someone who already knows the truth about Pettigrew’s Animagus form. Someone who has the authority to arrest him, the motivation to see justice done, and the emotional vulnerability to be manipulated by the revelation.”

A slow, brilliant, entirely wicked smirk spread across Orion’s face. The pieces fell into place with a satisfying, audible click in his mind.

”Alright, Sparkle,” Orion announced, his eyes glittering in the blue light of the reading ring. ”We have our next major mission. We are going to exonerate Sirius Black.”

”Well, I am ready,” Sparkle buzzed enthusiastically. ”What’s the plan? We can’t use Dumbledore. We can’t use Amelia Bones without explaining how we got him. Who is the patsy?”

Orion leaned over the desk, looking down at the sleeping traitor. He didn’t need to fake a vision. He didn’t need to reveal his secrets. He just needed to hand the rat to the one person who would instantly recognize the impossibility of its existence.

”We do have someone on staff,” Orion whispered, the plan solidifying into absolute certainty. ”Someone I can approach with this specific mouse, and who will immediately understand the implications without needing me to explain the Animagus magic.”

”Who?”

Orion smiled. ”Professor Remus Lupin.”