Harry Potter: Most Annoying System Ever

The silence of Orion’s bedroom was broken only by the soft, metallic scritch-scratch of claws against wire mesh.

Orion sat cross-legged on his bed, the reinforced cage resting on the duvet in front of him. Inside, the Niffler was currently testing the structural integrity of the lock with the focus of a safecracker.

”Sparkle,” Orion murmured, watching the creature. ”Show me the damage.”

The blue interface flickered to life, looking festive.

”Two hits today,” Sparkle chirped. ”We have the ’Violence’ award and the ’Bad Financial Decision’ award. Which one first?”

”The violence, please.”

[ ACHIEVEMENT UNLOCKED! ]

Tier: 1 (Basic)

Name: My Father Will Hear About This (And Punch You)

Description: You witnessed a pureblood patriarch, a man who prides himself on dignity and decorum, throw a haymaker in a bookstore. Lucius Malfoy brawling with Arthur Weasley over a cauldron is the peak of wizarding social collapse. You watched, you judged, and you enjoyed it.

Reward: 1x Tube of Bruise-Be-Gone Paste (Extra Strength).

”Fitting,” Orion smirked. ”Though Father’s ego is bruised more than his face. And the other?”

[ ACHIEVEMENT UNLOCKED! ]

Tier: 1 (Basic)

Name: The Gold Digger

Description: You bought a Niffler. You looked at a creature designed by nature to bankrupt its owner and said, ”I want that one.” You have invited chaos into your home. Hope you like your silverware with bite marks.

Reward: 1x Bag of ”Fool’s Jewels” (Hard candies indistinguishable from cut emeralds, rubies, and sapphires).

Orion raised an eyebrow. ”Candy gems?”

”They look real, feel real, and sparkle like the real thing,” Sparkle explained. ”But they dissolve in saliva. Perfect for training a kleptomaniac rodent without losing your actual inheritance.”

”Inventory.”

A heavy velvet pouch appeared in Orion’s hand. He loosened the drawstring and poured a handful of the contents onto the bedspread.

They were exquisite. Faceted emeralds, teardrop rubies, and brilliant sapphires tumbled out, catching the light of the chandelier. They looked worth a king’s ransom.

Inside the cage, the Niffler froze. Its nose twitched. Its beady eyes locked onto the bedspread. It let out a desperate, longing squeak, its paws reaching through the bars.

”Shiny!” the Niffler chirped, its voice echoing in Orion’s mind. ”Give! Give give give!”

Orion unlatched the cage door.

The Niffler exploded out of the cage like a furry cannonball. It dove onto the pile of gems, shoveling them into its pouch with a speed that blurred the eye. Within three seconds, the bedspread was empty, and the Niffler was sitting there, looking innocent and slightly fatter around the middle.

It looked at Orion.

”No shiny,” the Niffler lied shamelessly. ”Gone. Magic.”

Orion chuckled. He reached out and scooped the creature up. It was warm and soft, despite its criminal tendencies.

”You are a terrible liar,” Orion told it.

He flipped the Niffler upside down.

”Hey! Unhand! Indignity!”

Orion tickled the Niffler’s belly. The creature squirmed, giggling in high-pitched squeaks. Orion gave it a gentle shake.

Clatter. Clatter. Ting.

A shower of rubies and emeralds rained down from the bottomless pouch on its stomach, bouncing onto the mattress.

Orion set the Niffler back down upright. The creature looked at the pile of lost loot, then at Orion, looking betrayed.

”You steal from thief?” the Niffler squeaked, outraged. ”That is against rules!”

Orion picked up a ”ruby” and popped it into his mouth. He crunched it loudly. It tasted of cherry and rebellion.

The Niffler’s jaw dropped. ”You eat shiny?! Monster!”

”It’s candy, you fuzzball,” Orion swallowed. He tossed an emerald to the creature. ”Try it.”

The Niffler snatched the gem out of the air. It sniffed it. It licked it. Its eyes widened. It crunched it.

”Tasty shiny,” the Niffler declared, looking enlightened. ”New favorite.”

Orion watched the creature chew, a plan forming in his mind.

”I didn’t buy you to bankrupt my father, little one,” Orion said softly. ”I have enough gold.”

He leaned back against the headboard, watching the Niffler hunt for crumbs.

”Hogwarts is a castle of secrets. It has been standing for a thousand years. Students have been hiding things, losing things, and stashing contraband for centuries.”

He thought of the Room of Requirement—the Room of Hidden Things. It was a cathedral of lost items. Mountains of furniture, books, and jewelry. Finding a specific item in there was like finding a needle in a haystack.

But a Niffler? A Niffler was a biological metal detector.

”And the Chamber,” Orion mused. ”Slytherin’s legacy. Who knows what Salazar left behind other than a giant snake? Or the Forbidden Forest... centaur hoards, ancient ruins.”

He looked at the Niffler.

”You are going to be my seeker,” Orion told it. ”My treasure hunter. My chaotic little engine of retrieval.”

The Niffler looked up, sensing the shift in tone. ”More tasty shiny?”

”So much more,” Orion promised. ”But you need a name. I can’t just call you ’Niffler’. It’s derogatory.”

He thought for a moment. He wanted something that represented theft, but with style. Something legendary.

”Robin,” Orion decided. ”Like Robin Hood.”

”Who Robin?”

”A heroic outlaw,” Orion explained. ”He stole from the rich and gave to the poor.”

The Niffler paused. It seemed to consider this.

”Robin steal from rich?”

”Yes.”

”Robin give to poor?”

”Yes.”

The Niffler shook its head. ”Robin stupid. I keep.”

Orion laughed aloud. ”Fair enough. You can be the Slytherin version. Robin Hood, who steals from everyone and keeps it all.”

”I like Robin,” the creature decided, puffing out its chest.

”Robin it is.”

Orion gathered the remaining candy gems and put them back in the pouch, ignoring Robin’s protests. He picked up the Niffler and placed him back in the cage, tossing a single sapphire in as a bedtime snack.

”I need to upgrade your housing,” Orion noted, latching the door. ”A cage won’t do. I’ll clear a space in the trunk habitat. Maybe build you a little vault to sleep in.”

He extinguished the lights with a quick wave of his wand and lay back in the darkness. The excitement was building in his chest, a tight, electric coil.

The Second Year was looming. The diary was in play. The car was going to crash. And now, he had a partner in crime who could sniff out gold through solid rock.

”This,” Orion whispered, closing his eyes, ”is going to be absolutely epic.”

”Just don’t let him eat the Snitch,” Sparkle warned.

”Goodnight, Sparkle.”

”Goodnight, Robin.”

”Shiny dreams,” the Niffler chirped.