Harry Potter: Most Annoying System Ever

The silence in the final chamber was abruptly shattered by the sound of hurried, heavy footsteps echoing from the corridor beyond the black fire. The magical flames parted like a curtain, and three figures burst into the room, wands drawn and expressions grim.

Albus Dumbledore led the charge, his aura thick and crackling with restrained power. Behind him came Professor McGonagall, looking pale and terrified, and Professor Snape, whose black eyes were sweeping the room for threats.

They stopped dead in their tracks.

The scene before them was not a Dark Lord performing a terrible ritual. It was an eleven-year-old boy in a black tactical robe, sitting comfortably in a plush green armchair, watching them arrive. To his left lay two figures, tightly bound in thick ropes and paralyzed stiff as boards: Terence Higgs and Harry Potter.

Orion smiled, a bright, polite expression. He stood up from the armchair, stretched his arms above his head as if he had just woken up from a remarkably refreshing nap, and gave the professors a cheerful wave. With a subtle flick of his wrist, he vanished the armchair back into his Inventory, leaving him standing alone in the center of the room.

”Good evening, Headmaster. Professors,” Orion greeted them warmly. ”You made good time.”

”Mr. Malfoy!” McGonagall gasped, her wand lowering slightly as she took in the bizarre tableau. She rushed forward, her eyes darting between the bound Sixth-Year and the paralyzed Gryffindor. ”What is the meaning of this? What have you done to Mr. Potter? And Mr. Higgs?”

”Secured the perimeter, Professor,” Orion said calmly, smoothing his robes.

”Explain yourself, Orion,” Dumbledore said. His voice was soft, but it carried a weight that demanded absolute truth—or at least, a flawless performance.

”It’s quite simple, Headmaster,” Orion began, his tone respectful and utterly reasonable. ”Over the past week or so, I had the misfortune of overhearing some rather loud whisperings from Potter and his friends. They had concocted a frantic theory that someone was going to steal whatever was hidden down here tonight.”

Orion gestured to Higgs, who was staring up at the ceiling with wide, terrified eyes.

”I paired Potter’s theory with some observations of my own. Terence Higgs has been acting incredibly erratic lately. Pacing the dormitories, failing at Quidditch, jumping at shadows. When I noticed him sneaking out of the Slytherin common room tonight, right around the time you were supposedly missing from the castle, the pieces fell into place.”

Orion looked at McGonagall. ”I followed him. I managed to bypass the obstacles in his wake and cornered him here before he could make off with the prize.”

”You followed a suspected thief through a lethal obstacle course?” Snape hissed, his eyes narrowing. ”Without alerting a teacher?”

”I am aware it was a breach of protocol, Professor Snape,” Orion conceded, dipping his head in a show of contrition. ”As a dutiful student, I should have immediately sought out a member of staff. But time was highly sensitive. If I had spent twenty minutes searching the castle for you, Higgs would have been gone. I made a tactical decision to intervene, though I did send a note to Professor McGonagall via house-elf, hoping she would arrive in time to handle the apprehension.”

McGonagall touched her pocket, where Orion’s cryptic warning note currently resided. ”I received it. It is the only reason we knew to come here.”

”But Potter,” Snape pressed, gesturing to the rigid boy in glasses. ”How does he factor into your... tactical decision?”

Orion let out a long, long sigh, shaking his head with an expression of profound pity.

”That is a question for Madam Pomfrey, I believe,” Orion said, looking down at Harry. ”I had just secured Higgs when Potter came stumbling through the fire. He was looking worse for wear and acting entirely delusional.”

Orion looked back at the teachers, his blue eyes wide with faux concern.

”He pointed his wand at me and demanded I give him the Stone. He started shouting the most absurd accusations—saying I orchestrated the troll on Halloween to get past the dog, and that I was planning to hand the artifact over to You-Know-Who.”

Snape let out a derisive snort. McGonagall looked utterly bewildered.

”It was complete lunacy,” Orion continued, his voice perfectly measured. ”He was highly aggressive. I had no idea what hex he might throw in his panicked state, so I was forced to disarm and bind him as well. You should really have him checked out, Headmaster. I fear he may have lost a few screws somewhere in that giant chess set.”

Dumbledore studied Orion intently over his half-moon spectacles. The Headmaster’s gaze felt like a physical pressure, but then again, even if he chose to use Legillimency, it was not like Orion had much to hide, he had spoken the truth, if only slightly skewed. Orion would have to start learning Occlumency soon though.

Orion reached into his pocket and pulled out the heavy, blood-red ruby. He held it out toward Dumbledore.

”Here it is, Headmaster,” Orion said, placing the gem into Dumbledore’s ancient, weathered hand. ”Safe and sound.”

Dumbledore took the Stone. He didn’t look at it; he kept his eyes on Orion. ”Thank you, Orion. You have done the school a great service tonight. Though your methods were... highly unorthodox.”

”Needs must, sir.”

Orion glanced down at Terence Higgs. ”For what it’s worth, Headmaster, I do not believe Higgs is completely at fault here. He is terrified. I strongly suspect he is being coerced or used by a third party. Someone utilizing his family as leverage.”

Snape’s head snapped toward Orion, a flash of realization hitting the Potions Master. Snape knew the signs of Death Eater coercion better than anyone.

”As for Potter,” Orion added, stepping away from the bound Gryffindor, ”I leave the deduction of his reasoning to you. I am simply exhausted.”

Dumbledore nodded slowly. He waved his wand, and the ropes binding Higgs and Harry vanished. The Body-Bind curse lifted simultaneously.

Harry immediately scrambled to his feet, his face red with fury. ”He’s lying! Professor, he’s lying! He took the Stone from the mirror! He—”

”Silence, Harry,” Dumbledore said gently, but with an underlying tone of absolute authority that made Harry snap his mouth shut. ”We will discuss this in the Hospital Wing. You have had a traumatic evening.”

”He needs rest,” McGonagall agreed, moving forward to gently guide a protesting Harry away from Orion.

”Severus,” Dumbledore instructed, ”please take Mr. Higgs to my office. We have much to discuss regarding his family.”

Snape hauled a sobbing, broken Terence Higgs to his feet. ”Come along, Higgs.”

”Professor Sprout is waiting at the trapdoor to assist with the ascent,” Dumbledore said to Orion. ”You may return to your dormitory, Orion. I believe fifty points to Slytherin is in order for the successful retrieval of school property.”

”Thank you, Headmaster. Goodnight.”

Orion turned and walked back through the black flames, the cool magic washing over him one last time.

He navigated the gauntlet in reverse, ignoring the snoring troll, walking past the reset chessboard, and slipping through the room of keys. He met Professor Sprout at the Devil’s Snare, and together they levitated up the chute and past a sleeping Fluffy.

The walk back to the dungeons was quiet. Orion felt the pleasant ache of physical and magical exertion. He had done it. He had hijacked the climax of the year, secured the artifact (even if it was a decoy), maintained his cover, and completely discredited Harry Potter in front of the Headmaster.

As he approached the blank stone wall of the Slytherin entrance, Sparkle’s voice broke the silence in his mind.

”I have been holding back the notifications,” she hummed, her voice vibrating with barely contained excitement. ”You broke the system tonight, Orion. The log is backed up. I have so many achievements waiting to trigger, it’s practically a bottleneck.”

Orion murmured the password and the stone door slid open.

”Wait until we get to the dorm,” Orion thought back, a genuine, wide smile finally breaking across his face as he stepped into the warm green light of the common room. ”We can check them later. I want to savor this.”