Harry Potter: Most Annoying System Ever

The heavy wooden door clicked shut behind Orion, sealing the chamber of flying keys and plunging him into a new, echoing darkness. He stood still for a moment, letting his eyes adjust, the cool, damp air of the subterranean passage pressing against his skin.

”I’m not going to lie,” Sparkle’s voice broke the silence, her digital tone dripping with profound disappointment. ”I really wanted to see you get on one of those brooms. You always talk so much trash about Quidditch. I wanted to see you try to catch a winged key while hovering thirty feet in the air. It would have been premium entertainment.”

”I am an intellect, Sparkle, not an acrobat,” Orion replied dryly, casting a fresh Lumos to light his way down the stone corridor. ”Why exert physical energy when I can simply edit the object out of the sky? Work smarter.”

”You deleted a puzzle piece,” she grumbled. ”It’s unsporting.”

”If the architects of this obstacle course wanted a fair game, they shouldn’t have left exploits in the code,” Orion smirked, his footsteps utterly silent thanks to his charmed boots.

The corridor widened, opening into a chamber so vast that Orion’s wand-light barely illuminated the far walls. As he stepped over the threshold, a sudden, blinding illumination flared to life. Torches mounted high on the walls ignited in unison, bathing the room in a stark, dramatic light.

Orion found himself standing on the edge of a colossal chessboard.

The floor was a perfect grid of alternating black and white marble squares, stretching out to a massive set of double doors on the opposite side. Standing upon the squares were figures carved from solid stone, towering over Orion. They were detailed and terrifying—faceless knights mounted on rearing stone chargers, bishops clutching heavy croziers, and a king and queen whose blank visages seemed to stare down at him with ancient, unyielding authority.

Orion was standing behind the black pieces. Across the board, arrayed in perfect, hostile formation, stood the white pieces.

”Professor McGonagall’s contribution,” Orion analyzed, his eyes sweeping over the immaculate Transfiguration work. ”Animated constructs. Tactically sound, structurally resilient, and devoid of fear.”

He stepped forward, approaching a black pawn. He walked around it, heading toward the gap between the pawns to simply cross the board.

SHING.

Instantly, the white pawns across the board moved. They didn’t walk; they glided with a terrible, grinding sound of stone on stone. Two of them stepped into the center files, raising massive stone broadswords and crossing them with a heavy, resounding clack, forming an impenetrable physical barricade.

Orion stopped. He looked at the crossed swords.

”Alright,” Orion murmured, rolling his shoulders. ”Let’s test the durability.”

He drew his Hawthorn wand, assuming a dueling stance. He had spent the entire month of February turning an abandoned classroom into a demolition site. He was ready for a little brute force.

”Reducio!”

A violent beam of purple light shot from his wand, striking the white pawn directly in the chest.

The magic washed over the stone... and simply fizzled out, evaporating like water hitting a hot skillet. The pawn didn’t shrink an inch.

”Transfiguration wards,” Orion noted, not entirely surprised. ”McGonagall wouldn’t leave them vulnerable to basic size alteration. How about kinetic impact?”

He adjusted his grip, pulling on the deep reservoir of his core. He visualized the stone cracking, the structural integrity failing.

”Bombarda!”

KRA-THOOM!

The explosive hex struck the crossed swords of the pawns with the force of a cannonball. A shockwave rippled through the room, kicking up a massive cloud of marble dust and echoing deafeningly off the high ceiling. Orion had to raise his arm to shield his face from the blast of air.

As the dust slowly settled, Orion lowered his arm.

The white pawns stood perfectly intact. Not a chip, not a crack, not a scratch marred their polished surfaces. The magic had simply been absorbed and dispersed down into the floorboards.

”Okay,” Orion sighed, holstering his wand. ”Brute force is off the table. They are immune to localized magical trauma.”

”So, play the game?” Sparkle asked. ”You know how to play chess.”

”I do,” Orion agreed, staring across the vast board. ”But a chess match takes time. If I play a full game against an enchanted AI designed by a Transfiguration Master, I could be here for twenty minutes. Half an hour. Time I do not have. Dumbledore is fast, but he isn’t infinitely delayed.”

He crossed his arms, tapping his finger against his chin.

He considered his Inventory. He could, theoretically, point his finger and store the pawns, the knights, the bishops. Just vanish them into his sub-space pocket. But there were thirty-two massive magical constructs in the room. He also had no idea if deleting one of them would cause the others to become hostile, even the black ones for that matter.

”No,” Orion whispered, a slow, predatory smile spreading across his face. ”I don’t need to put them in my pocket. And I don’t need to checkmate the King. I just need to reach the door.”

He looked at the layout. The door was situated directly behind the white King and Queen. But the physical space to access the door spanned the entire back row.

”Chess is a game of rules,” Orion said aloud to the empty room. ”But what happens when you treat it not as a game of logic, but as a physical environment with manipulatable hitboxes?”

He walked to the far left edge of the board. He stood behind the black Rook occupying the A8 square.

”I will take your place,” Orion commanded.

The black stone Rook obediently slid off the board, clunking onto the border stones. Orion stepped onto the black square.

The moment his boots touched the marble, the white pieces shuddered. They had recognized a player. The game was active.

”White always moves first in Wizard’s Chess,” Orion recalled.

Across the board, a white pawn advanced two squares.

”Excellent,” Orion muttered.

For the next five minutes, Orion played the most erratic, aggressive, and seemingly suicidal game of speed-chess in the history of Hogwarts.

He didn’t care about defending his King. He didn’t care about establishing center control. He had one singular objective: bait the white pieces out of the far-left corner (the A and B files).

”Pawn to C4,” Orion commanded.

The black pawn slid forward. A white Knight immediately jumped over its pawns, taking the center.

”Pawn to B4.”

Orion was feeding his pieces to the white side. It was a massacre. The white pieces, programmed to seek advantage and material gain, took the bait. A white bishop slid diagonally, smashing a black pawn into rubble with its crozier. The sound of shattering stone was brutal and loud, a visceral reminder of the stakes.

”You’re losing terribly,” Sparkle commented as another black knight was unceremoniously decapitated by the white Queen.

”I’m not trying to win,” Orion replied, his eyes darting across the board. ”Look at the left flank.”

By move ten, the white side had heavily committed to the center and the right side of the board, eagerly devouring Orion’s sacrificed pieces. The white Rook that had occupied the far corner had moved to the center to assist in the slaughter. The pawns that had guarded that edge were gone, pulled away by Orion’s sacrificial lambs.

The A-file—the straight line leading directly from Orion to the other side, to the door—was completely empty.

”Move twelve,” Orion announced. ”Rook to A1.”

Orion stepped forward. He walked down the edge of the board, moving past the carnage in the center, until he stood on the last square of the file, right next to the remaining line of white back-row pieces.

He was ten feet from the heavy double doors.

The white Queen turned her blank, terrifying face toward him. She began to slide across the board, her stone skirt scraping ominously, preparing to move in place to trap the foolish rook that had gone too far into the enemy territory.

Orion didn’t wait for her.

He simply took one large step forward, completely off the checkered marble and onto the plain stone floor surrounding the board.

”I forfeit,” Orion said loudly.

The white Queen froze in mid-slide. The entire board seemed to hold its breath.

The magic of the room processed the auditory command. A forfeit was a loss. The game was over. White had won.

Instantly, the hostility drained from the room. The white Queen lowered her weapon and turned around. With the grinding noise of heavy stone, the white pieces began to slowly slide back to their original starting positions, resetting the trap for the next challenger.

Orion stood on the stone floor, perfectly safe, directly in front of the double doors.

He looked back at the resetting board. He hadn’t bypassed the lock on the door because, conceptually, there was no lock on the door. The chess pieces were the lock. They were a physical barricade that only moved aside when a game was won... or when they were forced to reset.

By stepping off the board behind enemy lines and conceding the match, Orion had triggered the reset sequence while already past the physical barrier. It was a sequence break of the highest order. A clean victory in principle.

”I’ll take it,” Orion smirked.

He turned his back on the chessboard, pushed open the double doors, and stepped into the next passageway.

The smell hit him before the door even closed.

It was a stench so foul, so deeply offensive to the olfactory senses, that Orion almost gagged. It smelled of rancid meat, unwashed bodies, and raw sewage. It was the distinct, unforgettable aroma of a Mountain Troll.

”Here we go,” Orion muttered, slipping his wand into his hand. ”Let’s see how Higgs handled the brute.”

He crept forward, the corridor opening into another large chamber.

Orion raised his wand, preparing for a fight. He had half-expected to find the troll wandering around, looking for something to smash, meaning Higgs had somehow snuck past it. Or perhaps he would find the troll dead, blasted by a desperate Sixth-Year’s dark curse.

He found neither.

Lying in the dead center of the room, completely blocking the path forward, was the Mountain Troll.

It was utterly motionless. But it wasn’t dead.

The massive chest rose and fell in a slow, deep rhythm. A sound like a muffled chainsaw echoed through the room—the troll was snoring. A pool of thick, viscous drool was expanding from its slack jaw onto the stone floor.

Orion lowered his wand, his eyebrows shooting up in surprise.

He walked cautiously closer, keeping his steps light. He looked around the immediate area. Near the troll’s massive, wart-covered hand lay the shattered remains of a large glass vial. A faint, sweet scent—like hellebore and crushed asphodel—mingled with the troll’s natural stench.

”A Sleeping Draught,” Orion observed softly. ”A very concentrated one, delivered via a localized gaseous explosion, judging by the glass.”

”Smart,” Sparkle noted. ”Higgs didn’t try to fight it. He gassed it.”

”He’s a Slytherin,” Orion said, a genuine note of respect in his voice. ”He knows his limitations. He didn’t want a noisy, messy fight that might alert the castle. He brought a tactical knockout measure.”

It made sense. Voldemort, would have coached him on at least some of the things to expect and how to bypass them efficiently. The troll was of course one of them. Terence wasn’t acting alone; he had the Dark Lord’s tactical advice echoing in his ears.

Orion looked at the sleeping behemoth. It was out cold.

”Well, that saves me a headache,” Orion shrugged.

He carefully stepped over the troll’s massive, tree-trunk-like leg, making sure his robes didn’t brush against its filthy skin. He navigated the obstacle course of sleeping muscle and reached the door on the far side of the room.

He pushed it open, grateful to leave the stench behind.

As the door swung shut, the air immediately changed. The cold dampness of the dungeons vanished, replaced by a sudden, dry heat.

Orion stepped into the final antechamber.

The room was smaller than the others. In the center stood a simple table bearing seven differently shaped bottles in a line. The moment Orion crossed the threshold, a fire sprang up behind him in the doorway. It wasn’t normal fire; it was purple.

At the exact same time, black flames shot up in the doorway leading onward, radiating a heat that felt unnaturally cold and consuming.

He was trapped.

”Snape’s puzzle,” Orion smiled, stepping up to the table. He picked up the roll of parchment lying next to the bottles.

Danger lies before you, while safety lies behind,

Two of us will help you, whichever you would find,

”Let’s see if Higgs left me anything to drink,” Orion murmured, his eyes scanning the logic puzzle.

He was one door away from the Mirror. One door away from the endgame.