Harry Potter: Most Annoying System Ever

The dungeons of Hogwarts were steeped in a profound, suffocating silence. It was past midnight, the hour where even the ghosts tended to retreat to their favorite haunts. Behind the heavy velvet curtains of his four-poster bed, Orion Malfoy sat cross-legged, bathed in the faint, ghostly light of his wand tip.

Spread across his lap was the Marauder’s Map.

For two hours, he had watched the tiny ink dot labeled Terence Higgs pace back and forth in the Sixth-Year dormitory. Then, abruptly, the pacing had stopped. The dot had moved to the door, slipped into the common room, and glided out into the corridor.

”He’s moving,” Orion whispered, the thrill of the hunt sharpening his senses.

He watched the map intently. Higgs navigated the lower levels with practiced stealth, avoiding the patrolling dot of Argus Filch and slipping past a roaming suit of armor. He made his way to the Grand Staircase, ascending steadily toward the Third Floor.

”Sparkle,” Orion murmured, banishing the map with a tap of his wand and slipping the blank parchment into his pocket. ”It’s time.”

”System diagnostics nominal,” Sparkle’s voice replied, a crisp, digital hum in his auditory cortex. ”Holster loaded. Inventory stocked. Spells primed. Let’s go raid a dungeon.”

Orion slipped out of his bed. He was already dressed in lightweight, dark, tactical robes—no restrictive cloaks, no flashy silver buckles.

He glided out of the Slytherin common room, a shadow detaching itself from the darker gloom of the dungeon walls.

He didn’t need the map to follow Higgs; he just needed to stay a floor behind him, maintaining a safe distance. He ascended the stairs, his breathing shallow and controlled. As he reached the landing of the second floor, a soft, familiar pop sounded from the alcove ahead.

”Master Orion,” a squeaky voice whispered from the shadows.

Orion didn’t break stride, merely sidestepping into the alcove where Dobby was waiting, practically vibrating with nervous energy.

”Report, Dobby,” Orion commanded softly.

”The Trio is on the move, Master!” Dobby whispered, his large ears twitching. ”Harry Potter and his friends have left the Gryffindor Tower! They have an invisible blanket, but Dobby can hear their shoes scuffing the floor! They are heading for the stairs!”

Orion’s eyes narrowed. The Golden Trio was right on schedule. Potter’s protagonist instincts were pulling him toward the danger like a magnet. If they arrived too soon, they would crash into Orion while he was dealing with Higgs, or worse, get caught in the crossfire.

”We need a buffer,” Orion decided. He looked down at the devoted elf. ”Dobby, I need you to stall them. Do not engage them directly, and do not let them see you.”

”How does Dobby stall the invisible ones?”

”With paranoia,” Orion smirked. ”Use auditory illusions. Make the sound of heavy, echoing footsteps a corridor ahead of them. Mimic the sound of Professor Snape’s robes billowing. Or better yet, mimic Filch’s wheezing and the jingle of his keys. Make them think the teachers are patrolling the exact routes they want to take. Force them to hide, force them to take the long way around. Delay them by at least twenty minutes.”

Dobby’s eyes lit up with mischievous delight. ”Dobby can make the scary sounds! Dobby will make them hide in the broom closets!”

”Perfect. Keep yourself hidden at all costs. When I am finished, or if I require immediate extraction, I will call for you. Until then, hold the line.”

”Dobby will not fail!” The elf saluted sharply, and with a muffled crack, vanished to wage a psychological war against the Gryffindors.

”That is delightfully evil,” Sparkle commented as Orion resumed his ascent. ”They’re going to be sweating bullets thinking Snape is right around the corner.”

”It builds character,” Orion replied dismissively.

He reached the Third Floor. The corridor was dark, lit only by the moonlight filtering through the tall, arched windows. At the end of the hall, the door to the forbidden chamber stood slightly ajar. Higgs hadn’t bothered to lock it behind him.

Orion approached with silent, fluid grace. He pressed his back against the stone wall next to the doorframe and listened.

There was no music.

Instead, there was the distinct sound of restless, multi-tonal growling, followed by the heavy thud of massive paws pacing the wooden floorboards.

Orion peeked around the doorframe.

The Cerberus was wide awake. All three heads were snapping at the air, agitated and aggressive. On the floor near the beast’s massive front left paw lay a finely carved wooden flute. It was silent.

”Higgs enchanted the flute to play automatically,” Orion deduced, assessing the scene. ”But he’s a Seeker, not a Charms Master. The enchantment faded as soon as he went down the trapdoor. The music stopped, and Fluffy woke up.”

”Which means if Potter walks in here, he’s walking into a blender,” Sparkle noted.

”Good thing I brought snacks,” Orion muttered.

He stepped fully into the doorway, letting the door creak slightly.

All three heads whipped toward him. A chorus of deafening barks threatened to blow Orion’s eardrums out, but thanks to the All-Speak, the barks translated into a chaotic three-way conversation.

”Intruder! Another one! Bite it!” the right head roared, snapping its jaws.

”Wait, wait, it’s the small one! The talky one!” the left head yipped, squinting its yellow eyes.

”The other one tasted like sweat and fear and went down the hole! This one smells like... meat!” the middle head rumbled, drool pooling from its jowls.

”Hello again, boys,” Orion said calmly, projecting his voice over their growls. He didn’t make any sudden movements. He reached into his mental grid. ”Sorry I’m late to the party. Looks like the music stopped.”

”We hate the music! Makes us sleepy!” Righty complained.

”We like the meat! Give meat!” Lefty demanded, its tail beginning to thump against the floor, shaking the dust from the rafters.

Orion flicked his wrist. The remaining forty pounds of prime, bloody cuts from the inventory materialized in the air and hit the floorboards with a wet, heavy splat.

The Cerberus didn’t need another invitation. The three heads descended on the pile of raw meat like a starved hydra. Bone crunched, flesh tore, and the terrifying guardian of the Philosopher’s Stone was instantly reduced to a very large, very distracted dog eating its dinner.

Orion walked calmly past the feasting heads. He sidestepped a puddle of drool and stood over the open trapdoor.

Below, there was nothing but inky blackness.

”First obstacle cleared without casting a single spell,” Orion noted, looking down into the void.

”Bribery is a universal language,” Sparkle agreed. ”Ready for the drop?”

”Let’s hope Sprout watered her plants.”

Orion stepped off the edge.

The fall was longer than he expected. The cold, damp air rushed past his ears. Just as his stomach began to drop, he hit something soft. It wasn’t stone. It was a thick, yielding mass of dark green creepers.

The Devil’s Snare.

The moment Orion landed, the plant reacted to the kinetic impact. Thick, snake-like vines whipped upward, wrapping tightly around his ankles, his calves, and his torso. They pulled him down, trying to bind him in a suffocating embrace.

It was a terrifying sensation, feeling the life being slowly squeezed out by a sentient weed. In the darkness, panic would be the natural response.

Orion didn’t panic. He didn’t even struggle. He knew struggling only made the Snare tighten faster.

He let his arm hang loose, his wrist flicking. The Hawthorn wand slid perfectly into his palm.

”Lumos Solem,” Orion stated clearly, his voice echoing in the damp pit.

A blinding, searing flash of concentrated sunlight erupted from the tip of his wand. It was as if a miniature sun had been birthed in the dungeon.

The Devil’s Snare shrieked—a sound like tearing leaves and hissing sap. The vines recoiled violently, untangling themselves from Orion’s body as if he had suddenly turned into boiling acid. They shrank back toward the dark walls, leaving a wide, clear opening beneath him.

Freed from the plant’s grasp, Orion dropped the remaining five feet, landing gracefully on the damp stone floor below.

He cancelled the light, leaving his wand tip glowing with a standard Lumos to illuminate the passageway ahead.

”Two down,” Orion dusted a stray leaf off his shoulder. ”No Incendio required. The solar charm is much cleaner.”

He walked down the stone passageway. The sound of water dripping echoed around him. As he moved, he heard a strange, soft rustling sound, like the fluttering of a thousand tiny wings.

He stepped through a heavy stone archway into a brilliantly lit chamber.

The room possessed a high, vaulted ceiling. Hovering in the air, darting around like a swarm of glittering, frantic insects, were hundreds of small, jewel-bright keys. They had gossamer wings that beat furiously, catching the light.

On the opposite side of the room was a heavy wooden door with a massive, ancient iron lock.

Leaning against the wall near the door were two broomsticks. Standard school issue.

”Flitwick’s room,” Orion observed, stepping inside. He kept his back to the wall, watching the chaotic swarm above. ”A test of aerial agility and observation.”

He looked at the brooms. One was untouched. The other was slightly askew, dropped hastily. Higgs had clearly flown, caught the key, and moved on. Which meant the key was back in the swarm.

”Find the anomaly,” Orion muttered, scanning the glittering cloud. ”An old, heavy door requires an old, heavy key.”

His sharp eyes tracked the chaotic movements. He filtered out the gold, the bright silver, the pristine copper. He looked for tarnish. He looked for damage.

There.

Near the top of the swarm, moving slightly slower than the rest, was a large, rusted iron key. One of its delicate blue wings was crumpled and bent—undoubtedly the damage caused when Higgs had violently snagged it earlier.

”Target acquired,” Orion said.

He didn’t walk toward the brooms. He hated flying on those splintery hazards. He preferred to stand firmly on the ground.

He raised his Hawthorn wand, pointing it directly at the rusted key hovering thirty feet in the air. He focused his intent. He didn’t want the key to blast toward him like the dictionary had; he wanted it to come gently.

”Accio Key.”

A pulse of magic shot toward the swarm.

The rusted key jerked. But it didn’t fly toward him. Instead, it hit an invisible barrier a foot away from its position, bounced off, and continued fluttering in its erratic circle.

Orion frowned. He stepped closer, adjusting his stance. He poured more willpower into the spell.

”Accio Rusty Key!”

Again, the spell connected, but the magic slid off the key like water off oil. The key remained stubbornly airborne.

Orion lowered his wand, a dry chuckle escaping his lips.

”Anti-summoning wards,” Orion noted, his respect for the diminutive Charms Master growing. ”Clever, Professor Flitwick. Very clever. You force the challenger to play the game as intended. You force them to fly.”

”Looks like you’re getting on a broom, boss,” Sparkle teased. ”Try not to get a splinter.”

”I don’t play by the intended rules, Sparkle,” Orion said, his smirk widening into something distinctly arrogant. ”Magic has laws. But the System? The System is an administrative override.”

Orion holstered his wand. He didn’t need it for this.

He stood perfectly still, his eyes locked onto the crippled, fluttering key. He didn’t reach out with his magic this time. He had an ace in the hole.

The Inventory grid wasn’t just a bottomless bag; it was a spatial capture mechanic. It existed outside the rules of Hogwarts’ wards. If he could perceive an object, and if it wasn’t sentient or bolted to the floor, he could target it.

He raised his right hand, pointing his index finger at the struggling iron key as if holding an invisible gun.

He tracked its flight path for three seconds.

Target Lock.

”Store,” Orion commanded mentally.

ZAP.

Thirty feet in the air, the rusted key simply ceased to exist in the physical plane. It didn’t fly to him. It didn’t drop. It vanished in a microsecond flash of digital blue light that no one but Orion could see.

Orion lowered his hand. He opened his mental Inventory screen.

There, sitting neatly in the fourth slot next to his Wayfinder Compass and the animated dragon plushie, was a pixelated icon of an old, crumpled, silver-winged key.

”How quaint,” Orion laughed aloud, the sound echoing in the chamber. ”Anti-summoning wards are cute. Spatial deletion is better.”

He walked leisurely across the room, completely ignoring the swarm of decoy keys still buzzing uselessly above him. He reached the heavy wooden door.

He focused on the fourth slot.

Retrieve.

The heavy, cold iron key materialized perfectly in his palm.

Orion slid the key into the ancient iron lock. It fit perfectly. He turned it with a satisfying, heavy clunk. The locking mechanism disengaged.

Orion pushed the heavy door open, revealing the dark, cavernous space of the next chamber.

Before he stepped through, he looked at the key in his hand. If he took it with him, Potter and his friends would be permanently locked out when they eventually arrived. While trapping them in a room with two brooms was funny, it halted the narrative flow. They needed to reach the end. They needed to confront the aftermath.

Orion tossed the key back over his shoulder. It fluttered weakly, rejoining the bottom edge of the swarm, its crippled wing struggling to keep it aloft.

”Have fun, Potter,” Orion murmured.

He stepped through the doorway into the darkness and pulled the heavy door shut behind him, sealing himself in the next stage of the gauntlet.