My Alleged Husband

Chapter 978: Chapter 871: Nothing to Do

”Dad, I never thought I’d live my life this way, and I never thought I’d hurt you like this. Doing something like this has caused the greatest pain in my heart. All I ever wanted was to give you the best of me over and over again, but I haven’t been able to do it. I don’t understand when I became who I am now. I pushed myself, step by step, into a dead end, only to realize in the end that everything I’ve done was a mistake.”

”You’re absolutely right. No one has wronged me, and no one has betrayed me. The one who betrayed us wasn’t you—it was me. I’m the one who inflicted the heaviest harm on you over and over again. I forgot that you gave me the warmest family, that you taught me what family love is, what romantic love is. Step by step, I’ve gotten to where I am now, and I can no longer tell which version of myself is real. I’ve lost my true heart. My original intentions have changed. I’ve become numb, indifferent, and apathetic!”

”Maybe I really should try to learn what a man should and shouldn’t do. But over these past years, I’ve never felt ashamed of my choices. The only ones I feel guilty toward are you. The pain I’ve inflicted on you—do you know? Those things I’ve done, deep inside, are actually my most painful memories. I’ve forced myself into desperation again and again because I’m scared. I fear meeting you, I fear the pressure I’ve placed on myself again and again through all these situations. Yet I’ve never cared about how you feel. I ignored your feelings, and that’s the biggest mistake of my life!”

”As a father, deep down you should resent me. Because as your son, I’ve never given you any concern or help. On the contrary, I’ve brought you so much heartbreak and pain. Time and again, I’ve forced my burdens onto you. Over and over, I’ve discarded things I didn’t want and left them to you to deal with. Deep inside, my worldview is nonexistent. I’ve never thought about what I can or can’t do.”

”Sometimes all I want is to live a simple, steady life, but why is that so hard? Whom have I wronged?”

”Is it my fault? Do I deserve all the pain and suffering I endure? Is it fair that the betrayal and abandonment I’ve inflicted on you time and again are all blamed on me? Have all my actions been so unforgivable? In your eyes, what do I count for? No matter how much I sacrifice, it seems like it’s all for nothing in your hearts. I don’t even feel like a part of this family anymore. Time and again, I’ve pulled myself back from the depths of despair, just hoping to live with a little happiness, but what do I get in return? Nothing but despair, over and over again!”

”I don’t even know how many more days and nights I can endure like this. I don’t even remember how many such days and nights have already passed. Under the weight of mental torment, I’ve forced myself to keep living. I’ve fought desperately to carry on because I’m terrified. Terrified that if I let myself relax for even a moment, I’ll completely break down. I don’t dare let up even a little, holding myself tightly wound like a wooden puppet, with no emotions toward anything. Just this pale, expressionless face.”

”When everyone thinks I’m nothing but a wooden puppet, when people believe I don’t even deserve to be called a man, I never abandoned my dreams. Because deep inside, I know that even if I can give up everything else, there are certain things I cannot let go of. I want to turn everything I have into the finest, most extraordinary things in the world. I want all the people who look down on me—including my own son—to bow to me over and over again. But I can’t do it. I lack the skill of my son. I can’t match his energy. There’s simply no way for me to catch up. I don’t know how he does it, but I know he must have struggled tremendously behind the scenes, endured countless hardships, been tortured by others time and again. I can’t truly grasp how much all of that must hurt.”

”You are my father. Over and over, I’ve longed for you to give me your warmest love. Over and over, I’ve yearned for you to help me feel like I belong in this warm family of ours. Even if, in the end, the only outcome is that I leave battered and bruised, alone and licking my wounds in some dark corner, I wouldn’t easily give up. But in the end, I’ve realized that no matter what I do, I can never reach the best possible outcome. Over and over, I’ve burdened others with my most painful memories. I always project my own pain onto others. I never stopped to consider whether my actions were hurting them. All I ever thought was that I was taking revenge—for myself, for the world, for everyone who has ever wronged or wished harm upon me!”

Zhang Yichen suddenly realized just how terrifying his father had become. This wasn’t at all like the father he once knew—the man who had always been so timid. But why had his father suddenly spoken such words? Words that filled Yichen with an empty sense of dread as his son, words he couldn’t begin to comprehend.

He couldn’t understand how much pressure he had placed on his father, pressure that had turned him into someone like this in an instant. Had everything Yichen ever done truly been right? Time and again, he had insisted that his father’s actions were overly harsh, that his father’s behavior had hurt everyone around him deeply. But now, reflecting on the things he himself had done and said to his father—hadn’t those also hurt his father just as deeply? Perhaps people should really try to live with empathy, considering others’ pain instead of constantly projecting their own onto others. Because the only thing that results from such behavior is the outcome we least want. That outcome might seem ordinary, even reasonable, in the eyes of others. But to ourselves, it’s the most excruciating pain imaginable.”

”I think none of us should say anything else anymore. Let’s each go and live the lives we truly want. Let’s stop forcing ourselves to endure this suffering. If everyone could just live happily, that would already be enough. Why must we wear ourselves out like this? Why must we drag each other down because of the smallest instances of unhappiness?”

”You are all my family. Please don’t hurt each other anymore. Because in the end, the ones who’ll bear the greatest pain and disgrace will still be us—again and again, it’s always been us, one family!”