My Alleged Husband

Chapter 971: Chapter 864 - Never Thought About It

”Dad, how many times do I have to say it before you truly understand the meaning behind every word I’m saying? I never once thought about leaving this family, let alone abandoning you. Everything I’ve done was a final decision made out of desperation. Can you not step into my shoes and consider my perspective? Do you think the life I’ve led these past years has been easy? You always talk about how much suffering and pain you’ve endured, but do you think I’ve lived without torment or anguish? A human heart is made of flesh and blood, it feels pain. I’ve given everything of myself, again and again, but in the end, what did I get in return? Have you ever tried to understand my position, to feel my pain? How much hurt have I endured, and who among you could ever understand even a sliver of it?

You always think that whenever I make a mistake, it’s unforgivable, like some heinous crime. There’s no way for me to earn your forgiveness. Time and time again, I’ve reminded myself deep inside that no matter what, I was the one who did wrong back then, that I must accept all the punishment you mete out. Even if you make me leave this house and tell me never to return for the rest of my life, I have no right to refuse. It was my mistake, and I should bear the consequences. But from the moment I chose to face those consequences, I never imagined that one day I’d be able to stay in this home peacefully. Still, your actions have truly left me cold inside.

For all these years, I’ve told myself over and over again that no matter what, I have to go back and make amends with my father, make amends with my son. After all, it was my momentary mistake that caused this outcome, that broke all of your hearts. Do you know how scared I am of losing all of you? But do you, in the depths of your hearts, fear losing me? I don’t think so. Maybe you think that all these years, since I haven’t been by your side, it makes no difference whether I was there or not. To you, I’m just someone dispensable, someone irrelevant. Sometimes, I feel like my very presence is an eyesore to all of you.

Looking back, have any of the things I’ve done ever been truly right or wrong? After so many years, I’ve just buried my grief deep inside, and gained nothing for it.

Perhaps in your eyes, I’m nothing now. I’m just a despicable villain, unworthy of forgiveness, with no reason or right to ask for it. In your eyes, everything I’ve done has been a mistake.

Have you ever stopped to think about why I’ve done the things I have? What reasons drove me to act the way I did? You’ve never considered it, never asked me about it. You pass judgment so easily, centering everything around your own perspective, condemning me for everything without even seeking the reasons behind it. Do you know something? It’s what you’re doing that’s truly selfish. Time and time again, you’ve smothered any possibility for me to stay in this home. Time and time again, you’ve forced me out, made me leave, made me wander far from home all alone. Have you any idea how that feels? Did anyone care about, think about, or even try to understand what I’ve had to endure out there? And in the end, what did I even get out of it all? I valued everything I had so deeply, and yet, look at how you’ve treated me.”

”And now you’re asking me how we’ve treated you? Well, how have you treated me as your father? Do you think it was easy raising you all on my own? Xiao Li, your mother wasn’t around since you were little. Not long after you were born, she left you. Do you think that didn’t hurt me deep inside? I understand the love you have for your wife because I felt the same for your mother. All these years, there hasn’t been a single day or night where she wasn’t in my thoughts. Even in my dreams, I’m holding her close, pulling her into my arms to fall asleep. Do you realize how deeply I’ve missed her? My longing for her hasn’t lessened one bit over the years.

But in the end, I had to face the reality of your mother’s absence. No matter what I did, she was never coming back to me. Even if I made every mistake in the world, all I wished for was for her to come back, to yell at me, to scold me—but even that is an impossible wish. She’s been gone for decades, and over all those years, do you have any idea how much guilt I’ve felt? How much regret I’ve carried? I buried everything about her deep in my heart because I know that no matter what, no matter the time or place, I have no right—no right at all—to reject her memory. Everything she gave me was boundless love. If I ever dared to turn away, if I ever dared to treat everything she gave me as a desecration of her presence, then tell me—do I even deserve to call myself her husband? Did I deserve those few years of living with her at all?

Don’t you think that, in comparison, you’re far luckier than me? At least you’ve been able to live many years with your wife. But your mother and I? We only had those brief, fleeting years together. And in my life’s memory, those years were the happiest, lightest, most joyful moments I have ever had. I can never go back to those days, no matter how much I wish I could. Do you know how much regret and pain I carry deep inside? She was my wife. And she died, just like that, in my arms, while I could do nothing about it. I prayed to the heavens, I pleaded with the earth, begged them for just one more year of her life.

But back then, my cries to the heavens went unanswered, my pleas to the earth fell on deaf ears. No one could understand the utter despair I felt in that moment. I wanted so desperately for her to come back to me, but was it even possible? Could it ever be possible? That was a conclusion that would never change. I treated everything about her as the most important thing in my life, but how did you treat me? Time and time again, I’ve been consumed by pain and despair. Who among you ever cared about that? Maybe you think that your pain now is the worst, that it’s all because of me. But have you thought about your mother, lying all alone in that cold, hard earth, possibly reduced to a pile of bones by now, while we continue to live here, laughing and chatting? If she could know that, maybe it would bring her a small sense of comfort!

Don’t ever compare yourself to others when it comes to selfishness, as you might find that everything you’ve done is even more selfish than anyone else. Do you know? When I see how loving and close you and your wife are, I can’t help but feel envious. Even though you’re my son, I envy the life you have. Even if you’re rebellious and disrespectful toward me, I still secretly wish that maybe, someday, I could have had a love like that again. But a life like that? I’ll never have the chance to experience it again in this lifetime. And she’ll never have the chance to return to me again.”