My Alleged Husband

Chapter 897: Chapter 829: The Incomparable Human Heart (Extended Chapter)_13

Every night, I am at my most tranquil, but this doesn’t mean I am truly at ease. In this state, my thoughts sometimes surge violently, like a black sea under the moonlight, calm on the surface, but with hidden currents beneath. I am always dreaming various dreams, always contemplating how I might return everything to its original state. Many times, I struggle to wake from these dreams, gasping in the thick night, getting a glass of water, and then going back to sleep. I am repeatedly entangled by nightmares, repeatedly startled awake from my own dreams, repeatedly afraid that the outcomes I achieve will not be what I desire. All of this pain was caused by your initial abandonment of me. Up till now, you have never considered how painful it is for me, your descendant. Everything you wanted was only what you thought was most worthy deep within your hearts.

I understand that youth is indeed a bright sadness. I have always remembered this sentence. But youth without laughter is incomplete, and youth without tears is even more imperfect. Since we are destined to laugh and cry loudly, I would rather walk, step by step, down the path I least want to tread, so that this life leaves a profound impression. Let all the winds sing with me. I am very grateful that Heaven has given me everything, allowing me to journey very, very far on my own path!

In truth, I am a child who, when feeling lonely, looks up at the sky. I gaze at the big sun, gaze at the big moon until my neck is sore, until my eyes are brimming with tears. This is true; I never speak falsehoods. Yet after looking up at the sky time and time again, I ultimately still cannot achieve anything. I know deep down how intense my pain truly is.

I wander again and again under the hazy street lamps because I know that can never be my shadow, can never be my experiences, because my life is not like this. I must rely on my efforts to create a life different from others. I want my dreams to go on forever without waking. The past and present, things change, stars move, the world transforms, an eternal dream of a thousand years.

Dad, Mom, you might find me quite amusing, right? Alone, I always have a subconscious tendency to approach people similar to myself when feeling lonely because I remember my blood carries yours. This is something I can never change for my entire life, just as the hurt you have caused me is something I can never forget. I can tolerate it again and again when you hurt my family, but can I truly disregard everything? No, this doesn’t mean everything I’ve done was correct. I am constantly thinking about what I wish to achieve, yearning to live a happy life, but ultimately, I have received nothing.

During my most painful and difficult times, every book I read seemed extremely extreme, either despicable or noble, because I wanted to live like them. I had to force myself to mature, to succeed, to become like everyone else, to prove to my parents that I am not the worst. I wanted everyone to know every action I took was correct, with no mistakes at all. But what was the result I ended up with? In the end, I could only be like a silent cotton tree, its words filtering through hundreds of cleansings of sunlight, flowing smoothly like spring water into my skin. When I was in college, I saw what I wanted most—the writings of my teacher. I saw many things that could spread boundlessly and seamlessly with me, yet I could not live happily there because I live differently from others. Deep down, I have sorrows, sadness, pain, family betrayal, abandonment, and the overwhelming hurt my parents caused me.

These past few years, you have been living so joyfully outside. You haven’t even realized what you truly want. Yet, you have still hurt what you most want to cherish. You always think I am not easily hurt, but I am indeed a child especially prone to injuries. Even a casual run makes me feel sore all over, yet I have never cried. I have walked through life step by step with my tenacity just to prove to my parents that no matter what, the mistakes I make are not mistakes at all, that everything I do is right. I believe those actions, although not perfect in your hearts, are proven right through my own efforts. I won’t submit to you, nor will I surrender to those who have once hurt me. For me, that would not be beneficial. I have no way to endure such a painful and harmful conclusion.

Mom, Dad, can you understand my feelings? Can you fathom how much heartache that entails? You cannot possibly understand because you have never thought about it, will never understand me, or comprehend what I need to say. Sometimes I have to admit that I am like a vast lake, where a slight breeze can stir waves, sudden joys, and sorrows can overwhelm me without warning. At times, I enjoy crouching quietly by the roadside, watching plane tree leaves fall piece by piece, covering the entire earth.