My Alleged Husband

Chapter 884: Chapter 828: Can’t Let Go

”Do you really think I don’t want to let go of all the pain? It’s not that I don’t want to let those things go; it’s that I truly can’t. Again and again, I endure all the pain deep inside my heart. What I really want is just a stable life, but my life keeps getting disrupted. Can’t I blame anyone? Should I willingly endure all the pain? I watch helplessly as everything changes before my eyes, as people I care about get stolen. Do you know how painful that feels? No one considers how excruciating that kind of heartache is. You always think your decisions are right, but what about me? Do I deserve to be abandoned and hurt by you, my parents, time and again?”

”You say you’re not Saint, how about me? Am I supposed to be Saint? Living is tiring for both of us; everyone finds living tiring, but I really don’t want to be this tired. Do you know how painful it is to be this tired? I just want to fall asleep and never wake up. Perhaps that is the life I want, hiding every day in a coffin so dark I can’t see my own hands, a darkness I don’t have to fear anymore because I will have thoroughly entered that place, with no chance of leaving again in this lifetime. Then everyone would be relieved. All you want is for me to leave this world, to leave you; only then do you feel secure and happy. Because what I need, you can’t give; what you want, I can’t provide, right? Because in your eyes, everything I do is wrong, no matter what I do, you just can’t see my goodness, because in the depths of your heart I’m forever a bad child!”

”To gain your understanding, to prove to you that I’m the strongest, I’ve come this far step by step, enduring so much hardship and pain. What am I doing when everyone else is laughing and having fun? I’m desperately pushing forward, because I want everyone to know, I want my family to know, it’s your abandonment that has made me who I am today. It made me numb, ruthless in dealing with everything.

You are my parents, how can you treat me so cruelly? I’m your child, what will I end up getting? In the end, you just repeatedly despair, you keep hurting me over and over. What good does it do you?”

”Kid, your father knows you’ve also had a hard time these years, but who hasn’t been tired? Like you said, everyone is tired in life, and the only way to not be tired is to be in a coffin, but can’t you let go of these things now? Don’t you know that by letting go of everything, you will be completely unburdened and won’t have to suffer this pain anymore, and that mental torment will be greatly reduced? That’s the ending we all want, why must you cling to the past and refuse to let it go? What good does it do you? Even though you’re in agony, you still hold on tightly, knowing full well he keeps hurting you, knowing well that we pushed you deeper into despair, yet you still want us to return to your side.”

”If I could let go, I would have done so long ago, so why cling to it now? What has clinging brought me, don’t you think I don’t know deep inside? Do you really think I live happily? My pain is no less than yours; I always suppress all the despair deep inside my heart. All I want is a peaceful life, but in the end, I get nothing because I understand, even if I give my all, in your eyes it means nothing. I can only earn recognition by proving myself over and over, only then can I qualify to let you know that I am the best. Only then would you not cruelly abandon me. I just wanted my parents by my side, was I wrong?”

”I truly gave so much, and this is just my way: not cherishing when I have it, only realizing how important that person was after losing them. But his heart isn’t with me, no matter what I do, he won’t even look me in the eye. He keeps taking revenge on me, pushing me to the brink of death, all just to retaliate for the hurt I allegedly caused him. He revenges, and he delights in it, while I can only secretly cry alone. I know that ’a man should not flick his tears lightly, only when he’s genuinely heartbroken’ – who knows just how much pain I’m in? I always suppress all the pain inside, what I wanted was just to live happily, but what did I ultimately gain? Nothing, except being covered in wounds!”

”Dad, can you understand how much pain I’m in? Can you really understand? I’m your child, why do you treat me like this? I truly can’t understand what mindset you had originally to think about abandoning me, our whole family. What’s really going through your mind deep inside, are we really less important to you than your so-called freedom and happiness? Have you really soared freely during all these years outside? Not at all, instead, you lost your own family. You destroyed everything with your own hands, and now you’ve returned here, and I still accept it because deep down I really hope to receive my parents’ love. Yet after repeatedly giving, the final result turned out like this. I can’t remain indifferent, I can’t look at those things happening and feel nothing. ’The word ”endure” has a knife in it’, and I’ve endured and endured until I can’t endure anymore. I’m about to break down, about to turn into a demon, I’m nearly insane, I’ve cornered myself today. All the endings I wanted, I’ve destroyed with my own hands.”

”All of this, who else to blame but myself for being too foolish, turning myself into what I am now. Who knows just how much pain is in the depths of my heart? I really can’t let go!”