Harry Potter: Most Annoying System Ever

Orion paused, his sharp mind hitting a momentary snag. He replayed his interactions over the last month.

”Wait,” Orion asked, genuinely baffled. ”How did you know? I was exceedingly careful with my communications.”

Professor Snape glared venomously at Orion for overriding his far more furious question, but Dumbledore merely chuckled, a warm, resonant sound.

”In that respect, Orion,” Dumbledore said, leaning forward on his desk, his eyes twinkling with unabashed mischief, ”the only advice I would give a strategist of your caliber is this: avoid plotting intricate, multi-layered pranks in the middle of the hallways of a public hospital. Especially when a member of the faculty you are actively trying to avoid is supposed to be standing right on the other side of the door.”

Harry Potter gasped, his face draining of color. He spun to glare accusingly at Orion, the realization dawning on him.

St. Mungo’s, Orion realized, a flash of annoyance piercing his calm. The conversation outside Sirius Black’s room.

Dumbledore had been standing just inside the room, preparing to exit. The old wizard had undoubtedly heard the entire extortion plot through the wood and had simply stepped out moments later acting perfectly, blissfully oblivious.

”I see,” Orion murmured, conceding the point gracefully. ”A lapse in awareness on my part. Point taken, Headmaster.”

Snape, however, was not concerned with Orion’s tactical errors. The Potions Master stepped forward, his face pale with fury.

”Why was I not informed?” Snape demanded, his voice barely above a whisper, vibrating with rage. He looked from Dumbledore to McGonagall. ”If you knew I was the target of this... this humiliation... why was it allowed to proceed?”

”As for that, Severus,” Dumbledore replied, his tone turning apologetic but retaining a hint of amusement. ”I must confess, I remembered your name being mentioned in the hallway, but I did not know the exact nature of your involvement in the prank. I only heard that water balloons were going to be utilized as the primary mechanism. I did not know you were the initial target.”

Dumbledore turned to his Deputy Headmistress. ”However, upon returning to the castle, I remember explicitly telling Minerva to inform you of the impending disruption.”

McGonagall shifted uncomfortably, avoiding Snape’s murderous glare. ”I... I was incredibly busy with the curriculum adjustments following the Dementor removal,” she explained stiffly. ”I told Remus to tell you about the water balloons.”

Snape’s head snapped toward Lupin. The hatred in his black eyes was absolute.

Lupin offered a weak, deeply uncomfortable smile, rubbing the back of his neck. ”I told Albus just this morning that I could not get hold of you to pass the message along, Severus. You actively seem to avoid me in the staff room, and my attempts to visit your office were... rebuffed.”

A visible, throbbing vein appeared on Snape’s temple. He stared at his colleagues. A Headmaster who eavesdropped but didn’t intervene. A Deputy Headmistress who delegated. A Defense Professor he despised, who claimed ’avoidance’ as an excuse for failing to warn him of an impending aquatic assault.

Was this a setup by his own colleagues? Had they deliberately allowed the prank to happen to humble him?

Snape suddenly understood the brutal, unsettling truth of the warning Orion had delivered in the alcove mere minutes ago. He was alienating everyone. He was isolated. And now, even the faculty was apparently indifferent to his public humiliation.

”Constant vigilance,” Orion muttered softly, breaking the heavy silence, offering a highly inappropriate quote from a certain paranoid Auror.

Snape glared at his godson, a scowl so deep it looked painful etching itself onto his face, but he didn’t verbally retaliate. He simply crossed his arms and stared at the floor, fuming in silence.

”Anyways,” Dumbledore said briskly, clapping his hands together to dispel the tension. ”Back to the matter of punishments. Actions must have consequences, regardless of how entertaining the execution may have been.”

He looked sternly at Harry and Orion.

”Sixty points each will be deducted from Gryffindor and Slytherin,” Dumbledore announced.

Harry groaned softly, while Orion merely nodded. It was a steep price, but Slytherin had a comfortable lead anyway.

”Furthermore,” Dumbledore continued, ”you will both serve detentions every weekend for the entirety of the month of December, up until the Christmas holidays. These detentions will be served under the direct supervision of Professor McGonagall.”

McGonagall nodded sharply, clearly already plotting grueling, repetitive manual labor.

”Now,” Dumbledore raised a hand to forestall any protests. ”While a punishment of this severity is traditionally a precedence to cancel your pre-Christmas Hogsmeade weekend privileges as well... I am willing to be flexible.”

He looked at Harry. ”I am aware, Harry, that you are scheduled to meet with Sirius on the upcoming Hogsmeade visit before the holidays.”

He turned his gaze to Orion. ”And I am also aware that this upcoming trip is technically Orion’s first opportunity to visit the village, since the previous scheduled visit unfortunately overlapped with his Order of Merlin ceremony at the Ministry.”

Dumbledore smiled faintly.

”As such, your behavior and diligence in your first two weekends will determine whether or not you will be permitted to go to Hogsmeade. If Professor McGonagall reports satisfactory effort, you may retain your privileges. Fail to impress her, and you remain in the castle.”

”Understood, sir,” Orion agreed smoothly.

”Understood,” Harry muttered, relieved he hadn’t lost his chance to see his godfather.

”Finally,” Dumbledore said, turning his attention to the back of the room. ”Nymphadora. You are to join these two young men in their detentions as well.”

Tonks, who had been leaning against the bookcase grinning at the boys’ misfortune, choked on her own saliva. She pushed off the shelf, her hair flashing a panicked white.

”Wait, what?!” Tonks yelped, staring at the Headmaster. ”Why?! I wasn’t involved! I didn’t throw a single balloon! I’m not even a student anymore, I’m an Auror on duty!”

”You were informed of the prank beforehand by Mr. Malfoy,” Dumbledore pointed out mildly. ”And you chose not to alert the faculty or attempt to stop it. That is a dereliction of duty.”

”But I—”

”As for not being a student,” Dumbledore continued, his eyes twinkling dangerously, ”that is precisely why I am offering you this option. If I treat you as a Ministry official on duty, I am legally obligated to inform Madam Bones of your failure to report a planned disruption. I imagine her punishment would be significantly more severe than any you face here at Hogwarts.”

Dumbledore raised an eyebrow. ”Rather than face a formal Ministry reprimand... I believe assisting Professor McGonagall on Saturday evenings is preferable, do you not agree?”

Tonks stared at Dumbledore, realizing she had been neatly, perfectly boxed in. She slumped her shoulders, her hair turning a depressed, mousy brown.

”I accept,” Tonks grumbled miserably.

She turned and shot a venomous, furious glare at Orion, promising future retribution.

Orion met her glare with absolute composure. He offered her a slow, entirely unapologetic smirk, and gave her a deliberate, cheeky wink.