I Became a Witch in a World Full of Urban Legends

Some people spend their whole lives healing from their childhood, while others use their childhood to heal their whole lives.

I wonder if hauntings have a childhood?

I suppose they must. People have mothers, so hauntings should have haunting mothers too.

After coming out of the bathroom, Lu Yibei turned the room’s heater up to the max, quickly dove into bed, and began pondering how to turn those pickles’ happy childhoods into childhood shadows.

After spending more than two hours researching all kinds of children’s “cult classics” that ruin childhoods, Lu Yibei felt like his worldview had been ruthlessly ravaged by a giant, merciless hand for two hours straight, making him want to curse out loud.

Then.

The moment he put down his phone, he suddenly realized-maybe he was going about this all wrong.

You can’t judge a haunting’s mindset by common sense. The things that make me uncomfortable-what if they actually enjoy them?

If I go all out with a barrage of mental pollution, and they end up getting a kick out of it, wouldn’t that be super awkward?

Looks like I’ll need to prepare a few more plans!Thinking this, Lu Yibei glanced at the Broken Sword on his bedside, frowning slightly.

At first, he’d only half-heartedly agreed to Gou Meng’s request to help her collect hauntings sealed in artifacts.

But now that he knew the group that tried to assassinate Gou Meng might have fragments of the Pure Lotus Sword, he finally felt a little more motivated.

Of course…

Just a little. If things really go south, he’d just sacrifice his pesky little sister and run for it.

Retrieving the family heirloom kitchenware isn’t as important as staying alive, right?

As long as the green hills remain, there’ll always be firewood to burn! Lu Yibei thought.

9:00 a.m. sharp, Room 7022, Four Seasons Hotel, Tang City.

“Knock knock knock-knock knock knock-!”

After tossing and turning all night, Lu Yibei had barely slept an hour when someone started pounding on his door, the heavy thuds sounding like some government department was about to break it down. He woke up in a panic, scrambled to get dressed, and opened the door.

As expected, standing outside was Gou Meng.

He looked her up and down-a tiny figure in a red tracksuit and a white baseball cap-and deadpanned, “Can’t you knock a little softer?”

“You knock like you’re about to break the door down. If someone saw a six- or seven-year-old girl with the strength of a gorilla, you’d definitely end up in a lab for research!”

“If I knocked softly, would you even hear it?” Gou Meng pouted. “Xiao Ma already came to call you once, but you didn’t hear a thing. He couldn’t wait, so he went to the lab first.”

Complaining, she took two steps forward, stretched out her arms toward Lu Yibei, and rose up on tiptoe.

Seeing this, Lu Yibei froze for a moment, confused. “What are you doing?”

“Cut the crap and carry me!” Gou Meng rolled her eyes at Lu Yibei. “It’s several kilometers to the lab. I’m a dignified deity-do you expect me to walk there myself?”

The first step in taming a mount is to make it lay down its pride, lower its haughty head, and willingly get used to being ridden.

That’s how the people of Taoyuan tamed wild horses back in the day.

“…”

Shameless little brat, still dreaming of making me your mount, huh?

Lu Yibei grumbled inwardly, then curled his lip and said, “Weren’t you pretty good at face-hugging before? Why act all weak now? If you want to ride, do it yourself!”

If she climbed up on her own, at most she’d be a detachable accessory.

“Hmph~!”

Seeing her little scheme exposed, Gou Meng snorted in embarrassment, circled behind Lu Yibei, pushed off the ground with her toes, leapt up, and landed steadily on his shoulders, her small hands wrapping around his neck.

“Let’s go. Xiao Ma said as soon as you woke up, to bring me to the lab. Today they’re appraising those pickle jars together,” Gou Meng said.

Lu Yibei nodded, took a couple of steps, then seemed to remember something and added, “But before we go, I need to have breakfast.”

He’d already pulled an all-nighter yesterday. Skipping breakfast today would go against his health regimen.

“…” Gou Meng opened her mouth, about to retort, but then she suddenly sensed something. Staring at Lu Yibei’s profile, she narrowed her eyes.

“Wait! Something’s off! You look different from yesterday.”

Before, all her attention had been on taming her mount and bickering with him, so she hadn’t noticed anything strange about Lu Yibei.

Now, sitting on his shoulders and observing up close, she suddenly realized something was different about him.

“Psycho!” Lu Yibei rolled his eyes at Gou Meng and said seriously, “Confucius said: ‘If you can improve yourself each day, keep improving day after day.’ Every morning, I reflect on myself and greet the world with a brand new face. Is that so strange?”

“…”

Gou Meng ignored Lu Yibei’s trash talk, tilted her little head, bit her thin lips, and studied him carefully.

The Lu Yibei before her was still the same Lu Yibei-she could sense the aura of the ally contract on him, which couldn’t be faked-but his skin seemed a bit more delicate, his complexion a bit paler, and his already handsome face seemed even softer, with a faintly androgynous allure.

The longer she looked, the more Gou Meng found herself spacing out, and for a split second, a terrifying thought flashed through her mind: “I should find a way to keep this man in Taoyuan as my boy toy.”

But as a deity, she didn’t have such worldly desires.

Snapping back to her senses, Gou Meng poked Lu Yibei’s face repeatedly with her little hand and said, “Oh-I know what’s going on!”

“You bastard, after you got back last night, did you secretly order a hotel skincare spa without telling me?”

“Tch! That’s it?” Lu Yibei rolled his eyes. “I’ve never even used face wash in my life, let alone some skincare spa.”

Like I’d have that kind of spare cash!

Just as Lu Yibei was righteously complaining in his heart, Gou Meng somehow pulled out a mirror and held it up to his face.

He was just about to joke, “Do all you girls carry a mirror with you?” when he caught sight of the reflection. His pupils suddenly contracted slightly. “What the hell? Who’s this pretty-boy sissy?”

Gou Meng glanced sideways at Lu Yibei without saying a word, giving him a look to let him figure it out himself.

“…” Lu Yibei was silent for two seconds, then raised a finger to point at his own nose, asking weakly, “Is that… me?”

Gou Meng nodded expressionlessly.

The next moment, Lu Yibei put on a grand display of double standards. “Hmm, as expected of me! I look this good-of course that’s normal!”

It was just a few facial details that had been optimized, so how could he look so much more handsome?

He had to hurry and send Jiang… Meow Meow-chan a selfie, so she could be captivated by his peerless looks. Lu Yibei was secretly excited.

“Ugh, shameless!” Gou Meng cursed, then paused for a few seconds before saying seriously, “After we get back from Xiao Ma’s place, come to my room, take off your clothes, and let me give you a thorough check.”

If his pretty-boy look wasn’t just the result of a full set of high-end skincare and a good night’s sleep, then this must be a charm ability.

Though it was faint and not very obvious… Gou Meng thought.

Lu Yibei gave Gou Meng a thumbs-up. “Back when Jack Ma was giving a speech in Hua City, he slipped and was about to fall. He gave me a look that said, ‘Kid, help me up and I’ll give you two hundred million.’ But I chose to walk away.”

“Even Jack Ma couldn’t sway me, but you, with your straight-faced innuendo, I have to hand it to you! I treat you like a brother, and you’re lusting after my body?”

“Bullshit!” Gou Meng snapped, face darkening. “Isn’t your Spirit Pattern Eifrit?”

Hearing Gou Meng mention his Spirit Pattern, Lu Yibei frowned and asked, “Yeah, what’s wrong with that?”

“You haven’t completed your Spirit Pattern recently, have you?” Gou Meng asked again.

Lu Yibei shook his head blankly.

Completing the core entity of a mythical type haunting had nearly emptied his resources-how could he have spare time to worry about his Spirit Pattern?

“Then that’s a problem! In my impression, Eifrit is a kind of spirit, which The Midnight Watchers Society classifies as an elemental type haunting.”

“And in the mythological system Eifrit belongs to, it’s only a third-class spirit and doesn’t have any charm ability. The charm ability you’re showing now is something only a first-class spirit, a Jinn, would have.”

“So, I have reason to suspect your Spirit Pattern has mutated. I need to give you a thorough check, or else there could be big trouble. No need to thank me-this check is completely free. Just consider it payment for the favor you did me.”

If Lu Yibei were a normal psychic, and Gou Meng discovered a mutation in his Spirit Pattern and offered a free check-up, he really should be grateful.

Normally, after a psychic’s Spirit Pattern is drawn, unless it’s completed or certain special conditions are met, it should remain relatively stable and unchanged.

Once a Spirit Pattern undergoes an unknown mutation, it often means losing control-like a cancerous transformation. The Night Corrosion Level rises, and haunting transformation is already a good outcome; worse, the Spirit Pattern could take over, turning you into a mindless shell with only the appearance and powers of a haunting.

Just like some former operators imprisoned underground by The Midnight Watchers Society in Hua City.

But…

Lu Yibei wasn’t a normal psychic. Besides first-class spirits like Jinn, most witch type hauntings also had charm abilities.

So, when Gou Meng pointed out he might have a charm ability, and he recalled last night’s strange Dream and the crisis, his heart couldn’t help but skip a beat.

Could it be that maintaining the witch type for too long caused some unknown change?

But if that’s the case, there’s no way he could let his pesky little sister check him!

Not to mention the sensitivity of the witch type identity, she’s always so handsy-what if she accidentally triggered the power of the Hundred-Armed Giant and blew everything up?

Thinking this, Lu Yibei replied to Gou Meng perfunctorily, “Yeah, yeah, let’s talk about this later, okay? Let’s head to the lab first.”

The taxi cruised slowly toward Tang City University, the snowy scenery of Tang City flashing by outside the window.

Inside the car, Lu Yibei kept his head down, immersed in his daily interactions with Jiang Li. Just as he was about to reply to her, an annoying sound reached his ears.

“Tsk! Tsk tsk! Tsk tsk tsk!”

Following the sound, he saw Gou Meng sitting with her arms crossed, giving him a sideways look full of disdain. “Look at you, acting like a creep. Online dating?”

“I didn’t, I’m not, don’t make stuff up!” Lu Yibei denied.

“Still pretending?” Gou Meng curled her lip. “I’m such a beautiful woman sitting right next to you, and you don’t even glance at me. All you do is bury your head in your phone, flirting with some girl, and you say you’re not?”

“Listen to me-take my advice. Online dating is unreliable. They’re all out to scam innocent boys like you. Don’t ask how I know.”

“….”

Lu Yibei opened his mouth, about to say something, when Gou Meng continued, “It’s just you. If it were anyone else, I wouldn’t even tell them about running seventeen or eighteen accounts to get people to send me gifts. Be careful! Don’t get scammed.”

“???”

The taxi driver glanced at the delicate-looking girl in the back seat through the rearview mirror, frowned, and a string of question marks popped up in his mind.

By the time the taxi stopped, they had arrived at a side gate of Tang City University. Looking out, through the snow-laden branches, a few not-so-tall old buildings could be seen.

This was the South Campus of Tang City University, one of the earliest teaching areas since the university’s founding over fifty years ago. Some of the oldest buildings had been renovated and were still in use.

Yesterday, a murder occurred in the [Archaeology and Museology-1] laboratory in the East Campus. Because it involved a haunting attack incident and The Midnight Watchers Society was too busy to handle it, the College of Liberal Arts building was still sealed off.

To ensure the progress of the artifact recovery wouldn’t be affected, the project team moved the collected artifacts to the old laboratory building of the College of Liberal Arts as quickly as possible.

Lu Yibei got out of the car, leading Gou Meng, and followed the address given by Professor Ma into a dark gray building. The corridors inside were wide and dim, with green-shaded lamps hanging overhead, and the wooden floorboards beneath their feet were somewhat aged, occasionally letting out a soft “creak” when stepped on.

After passing through the corridor, they soon arrived at a meeting room. Lu Yibei knocked on the door, and after hearing a perfunctory “Come in!” pushed the door open and entered.

Upon entering, a huge round conference table covered with a white cloth came into view. All sorts of bronzeware, pottery, and precious metal crafts were displayed on the table. Some items that required special care were even protected under glass covers.

In front of one of the glass covers stood about a dozen people, gathered together and whispering among themselves. Most were elderly with graying hair. Lu Yibei searched the crowd but didn’t spot Hu Yue, secretly letting out a sigh of relief, but then immediately became alert upon seeing Fu Xinyi.

The insider seems to be acting separately? Letting Gou Meng devour the haunting sealed within the artifact right in front of the insider would be troublesome! Not to mention, there’s still the matter of dealing with those pickles. Lu Yibei felt a headache coming on.

Most of the young people present were students and assistants to the professors, standing respectfully behind them. Only Fu Xinyi was brashly arguing with a group of old professors, face flushed with excitement, her teacher unable to pull her back.

“What does a little girl like you know?” Professor Hou glared at Fu Xinyi. “Fine, since you say this Eastern Han1 bronze-gilded Vermilion Bird incense burner is fake, you should at least say what’s fake about it, right?”

“Well…” Fu Xinyi opened her mouth but couldn’t come up with a specific reason.

She only knew these artifacts all came from Taoyuan, had been in contact with Gou Meng, and would have some psychic energy fluctuation residue. If there was no psychic energy fluctuation at all, it must be fake, but she didn’t know how to judge its authenticity from a professional perspective.

In her anxiety, she simply chose to play dumb, sticking out her tongue and saying, “I say it’s fake, so it’s fake. Believe it or not, whatever, bleh!”

Seeing this, Lu Yibei quietly asked Gou Meng, “Is that your pickle jar?”

“Of course not!” Gou Meng answered without hesitation. “All my pickle jars are handmade by me. I hate Vermilion Birds the most, why would I make something in that shape?”

“May I ask, why do you dislike Vermilion Birds?” Lu Yibei quietly pressed.

“Emmm…” Gou Meng smacked her lips and said earnestly, “Legend has it, its feathers are prettier than mine.”

Lu Yibei, “…” Half the birds in the world have prettier feathers than magpies, do you hate them all? Why are you so petty?

Grumbling inwardly, he stepped forward, squeezed into the crowd, and interjected, “I also think it’s fake.”

Hearing this, Professor Ma turned around and saw Lu Yibei and Gou Meng. His old face immediately broke into a smile, and he pointed at Gou Meng perched on Lu Yibei’s shoulder to introduce her to everyone, “Everyone, this is the one I just mentioned to you, descendant of a renowned folk artifact appraisal family, Liu Sisi, our young friend Liu.”

“Young friend Liu is truly talented!”

“Heh! Hehe!” As soon as Professor Ma finished, Professor Hou shot him a sidelong glance and let out two cold laughs. “Ma Zhen, I thought Zhang was already ridiculous for getting a girl in her early twenties to help with the appraisal, but I didn’t expect you to be even more absurd, bringing in someone who’s barely weaned?”

“Are you losing your mind in your old age, or are you just missing your granddaughter too much?”

At these words, Gou Meng’s face darkened, her small hands tightening on Lu Yibei’s shoulders.

Feeling the ache from his shoulder, Lu Yibei’s brow twitched, and he hurriedly spoke up before Gou Meng could secretly cause trouble. “Professor Hou, that’s not fair. As the sages said, ‘Learning knows no age, the capable come first.’”

“Although your academic level is high, there are some things you might not know, right? The more people, the more strength, right?”

“Hmph! I don’t know?” Professor Hou said unhappily. “What is it that I don’t know? If you can’t give a good reason, please leave!”

Professor Hou was very petty. He hadn’t forgotten how Lu Yibei had embarrassed him earlier.

“You asked me to say it!” Lu Yibei replied. As he spoke, he looked at the artifact on the table that had sparked the debate. “Since you say this is from the Eastern Han, let me ask you a few questions about the Eastern Han. If you can answer them all, I’ll take this little girl and leave right away.”

Sorry, Professor Hou, I don’t mean to target you. I’m just afraid you’ll upset the lady on my shoulder and she’ll get ‘accidentally pregnant,’ which wouldn’t be good for anyone.

Lu Yibei grumbled inwardly and asked, “May I ask, what’s the name of Zhou Yu’s (a historical figure from the Eastern Han) wife?”

“Xiao Qiao,” Professor Hou blurted out, a hint of mockery in his eyes.

Even elementary school kids playing Honor of Kings on the street know that.

“And Xiao Qiao’s elder sister?”

“Da Qiao.”

“Who’s Da Qiao’s husband?”

“Sun Ce.”

“What’s Sun Ce’s younger sister’s name, and who did she marry?”

“Sun Shangxiang, married to Liu Bei.” Professor Hou frowned. “Kid, what kind of questions are these? A middle school history test?”

“Don’t rush, Professor, I haven’t asked the real question yet!” Lu Yibei said expressionlessly. “What’s Liu Bei’s son’s name?”

Professor Hou was silent for a few seconds. “Liu Chan.”

“Who’s his father-in-law?”

“Uh… Xiahou Yuan.”

“Xiahou Yuan’s elder brother is Xiahou Dun, right?” Lu Yibei asked. Seeing Professor Ma nod, a sly glint flashed in his eyes, and he immediately pressed on in the fastest, most imposing tone, “So what should Zhou Yu call Xiahou Dun? That’s my question, please answer!”

Professor Hou, “???”

Footnote:

Eastern Han(东汉): The Eastern Han period (25 – 220 CE) was established after a brief period of upheaval that split the former Han dynasty in two. It reunited the empire under the Liu family and is renowned for its cultural flourishing and military expansion.