Naruto : Venom

”Rasengan!” An orange blur darts at me from the opposite side of the deck.

”DON’T YOU PEOPLE HAVE BETTER SHIT TO DO!” I roar as Naruto fucking Uzumaki is charging at me with his signature attack fully powered up.

...

Naruto’s eyes widen as he recognizes my voice but he doesn’t slow down his charge. If anything he pours on more speed, he’s intent on ramming the Rasengan into my chest.

That’s unexpected. Maybe he took Sasuke and me leaving harder than I anticipated?

Like hell I’m letting that happen. When his attack is barely half a meter away I snap my arm out and grab his wrist. Then using his own momentum against him I spin both him and myself around and throw him overboard.

”What the hell is wrong with you!” I shout as a geyser of water taller than the mast of the boat sprays up from where he landed in the ocean. ”Don’t use jutsu around things you don’t want destroyed! Don’t you need this damn ship to get to Snow?”

”Alvarcus?” A new voice calls out to me. But it’s not a new voice to me, it’s just one I haven’t heard in awhile.

”Kakashi-sensei?” No fucking way. Kakashi is standing in shock over by what looks like a camera crew and actors. They’re all staring at me with mixed emotions. Some of the crew feel fear, obviously their shinobi and I don’t get along since Naruto didn’t hesitate to attack me. Others feel surprise, like they’ve never seen shinobi in action before. But it’s the last one who worries me, if I had to hazard a guess I’d say this person is the director. He’s impressed and planning, thinking of ways to incorporate me into his work.

”This! Is! BULLSHIT!” I roar at my sensei. ”I’m supposed to be on vacation! Vacation! You know, the thing people go on to get away from stress and their problems! But no! Let’s just pile more shit onto my plate! Because why the fuck not! It’s not like I care at all!”

A firm hand falls onto my shoulder from behind me.

”Will you come quietly or do I have to use force?” Kakashi himself says. I’ve forgotten just how fast and crafty my sensei is, he must have switched with a clone while I was yelling. ”You’re good, very good, but I’m better. I know your strengths. I know your weaknesses. I know how you think. I simply know you. You don’t have a chance of beating me and I’ll die before I let you take anyone else hostage again.”

”Why is nothing ever easy for me!” I whine to myself. ”Okay. Kakashi-sensei -”

”I’m not your sensei any longer.” He growls out to me.

”Whatever. Like I was saying, Kakashi-sensei, you’re not the only one who knows the other.” I reach into my coat as Kakashi’s hand crushes my shoulder. It would be useless if I didn’t have the Jiongu to fix it for me. ”I know you very well too. I know one of your biggest weaknesses.”

”Great!” Anko says as she busts out onto the deck with Ino and Shikamaru. ”Kakashi got him.”

I whip out a dull green book and instantly the hold on my shoulder is released and Kakashi’s entire demeanor has changed. He’s no longer Kakashi of the Sharingan, he’s Kakashi the pervert and I’m dangling something very… perverted right in front of him.

”I present The Great Outdoors.” I show him the book’s cover. ”One of Jiraiya’s rarest works. There’s only two hundred in the world.”

”Oh you’ve gotta be shitting me.” Shikamaru groans in defeat.

”How did you find that?” Kakashi whispers out as he reaches for it slowly. ”Can I…”

”Now I know that’s not quite enough to guarantee you’re harmless to me. So let me add on something else to it.” I open the front cover of the book and show him the inside. ”It’s a signed copy.”

”Is this actually going to work?” Ino asks Anko and Shikamaru. ”Like… really?”

I’ve been holding onto this baby for this exact situation. Ever since I saw it at the War Games I knew I had to keep it. Kakashi is the only one who could possibly appreciate this enough and I know that if we ever did meet I’d need a way to best him. I know that I can’t fight evenly with him yet so this was my solution. I just didn’t think it would be this soon.

”Have I ever mentioned that you’re my favorite student?” Kakashi gives me his sweetest eye smile. ”Because you are.”

”I know I am.” I snap the book shut and tantalizingly dangle it in front of him. ”The book is yours as long as you promise to not try and capture me.”

”Done!” He’s practically frothing at the mouth. Mask? Whatever. ”Gimmie!”

”Of course it worked.” Anko heaves out a sigh. ”Seriously Kakashi it’s shit like this that makes people not take you seriously.”

”Catch.” I toss my sensei the book. I’ve missed him and his antics. ”Now if you’ll excuse me, I was running away from-”

”Shadow Possession complete.” Shikamaru smirks. ”Again.”

”-them. Fucking dammit.” I attempt to hang my head in shame but someone doesn’t let me! This jutsu is annoying! ”We’re doing this again? Do you really expect it to end any differently from before?”

”Not really.” Shikamaru admits as he walks both himself and me closer together. ”I just need to make you listen for a bit.”

”Oh?” I calmly say despite not being in control of my body. I’m tired of this bullshit being caught by shadows. I’m going to see just how good it really is. ”You think you can convince me to return to Konoha with words alone?”

I launch a whole bunch of chakra strings out of my back and connect them to various parts of the ship. My plan is simple, I’m going to use them to pull me out of the jutsu since just brute force isn’t working. Both of them together should do the trick, and if not then I’ll just wait until he runs out of stamina again and knock him out. Like I said I’m tired of being caught.

”Nah I’m not that optimistic.” Shikamaru waves off my words and I mimic him. Wow this is super annoying. ”I’m just going to convince you to stay with us for this mission. We’re here to protect the actress Yukie Fujikaze and you’re going to help us.”

”Why the hell would I do that?” I ask in genuine confusion. I even halt my plan of escaping just to figure out what he’s talking about. ”I don’t remember hitting you on the head. Did you trip and fall while chasing me? You’re not making any sense at all.”

”It’s very simple, you owe me an easy paycheck. I’m cashing in on that favor.” Shikamaru darkly smiles in victory. ”Or are you not a man of your word?”

That fucker. He’s cashing in on the one favor I owe him. Back when I was still in Konoha, mere days before Sasuke and I left for Orochimaru and Sound, there was a very fun mock battle between the Rookie Nine and some ANBU. Cat was supposed to stop me from finding Tora and I was supposed to get Tora back to Tsunade. I recruited Shikamaru to help me fight against the overwhelming number of ANBU that Cat rounded up by saying I’d go on a mission with him and let him slack off as much as he wants to.

”You, Shikamaru Nara, are an asshole.” I growl out in anger and resignation. ”Fine. I’ll help keep the actress alive. That’s it. I’m not going to fight any battles for you. I’m not going to do the entire mission alone. All I’m going to do is make sure she doesn’t die. If someone throws a kunai at her I’ll make sure it misses but it’s up to the rest of you to kill the one who threw it. That’s the best you’re getting out of me. I’m here for my own reasons too, so if I do something you don’t approve of or understand why I did it just shut up about it. And I’m not starting until tomorrow morning, I’ve got a couple things to do.”

”Welcome to the team.” Shikamaru drops his hold over me. ”Good to have you back.”

”You’re going to help us on our mission?” Ino asks excitedly. ”You’re not going to run away this time?”

”Not right now at least.” I’m going to regret this. I’m going to massively regret this. ”Looks like you’re stuck with me until the mission is over.”

”Good!” Ino loops her arm around mine. ”You’ve got some explaining to do and I will get my answers.”

”Uh… how about no?” I slide my arm out of hers and walk back towards the interior of the ship. ”I don’t even know where I’m sleeping tonight. I’ve got stuff to do still. Not to mention seal away whatever other cargo the Captain brings. This wouldn’t be an issue but some people just had to interrupt my work!”

”I’m not sorry!” Ino calls to me as I step inside the ship once more. ”And I will get those answers whether I have to pry them from your head or not!”

”Sure you will.” I let the door close behind me. The second it closes I lean my back on it. ”Why does this shit always happen to me? I just wanted a normal mission. Just one. Apparently that’s asking too much.”

”This is perfect.” Ino sinisterly says to herself and I hear her through the door. I can just picture her in my head with an evil grin on her face as she rubs her hands together with malicious intent. There’s even a backdrop behind her, one of scary monsters and eldritch horrors. I can even picture her coat flapping in the wind to add to the image.

Hold on, she’s wearing a coat?

I push myself off the door and crack it back open and poke my head out. Either I’m crazy or she’s dressing like Anko, I have to check. I do a quick once over of Ino - okay so it might have been a very long and drawn out look - fully taking in her new look. ”By the way, I like the coat.”

The last thing I see before I shut the door again is Ino’s flushed face.

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