The Captain's Dirty Little Secret

Chapter 372: Chapter 372 - Somewhere Else She Could Go

Angela rested her chin on Karen’s shoulder. ”Just apply. You don’t have to go. Give yourself somewhere else you can go.”

Karen nodded. ”Exactly.”

Roxie looked down at the Harrington page again. It sounded reasonable when they said it like that. An application wasn’t a commitment. She could apply, get rejected and never have to think about it again. She could get accepted and still choose Tennessee. There was nothing wrong with giving herself another option, yet her thumb stayed above the screen without pressing anything.

Karen watched her long enough to notice. ”Okay, now I’m confused. Why can’t you decide?”

Roxie looked up. ”Decide what?”

”This.” Karen gestured toward the phone. ”Yesterday you told us you and Zac were going to Tennessee. You’ve been talking about moving there with him for months. Now I send you one school in New York and you’re sitting there looking like somebody asked you to choose which organ you want removed.”

Angela nodded beside her. ”I was wondering the same thing. We want you with us, obviously, but I thought you wanted Tennessee.”

”I do want Tennessee.”

”Then why are you having such a hard time closing the website?” Karen asked.

Roxie looked at the screen again and hated that she had no answer. She loved Zac. She wanted their apartment. Still, something had made her open Harrington and keep reading even after realizing late applications were possible.

”I don’t know,” she finally said.

Karen gave her a long look. ”You know I love you, but that sounds like bullshit.”

”Thank you. This conversation has been very helpful.”

”I’m serious. There has to be something bothering you because weeks ago Tennessee was the answer. Today you’re checking admissions in New York. Bet you checked the papers Ethan gave you.”

Roxie felt her stomach tighten enough that both of them noticed. She did but she didn’t say anything.

Angela shifted closer to Karen. ”Maybe she’s scared.”

Karen immediately caught it. ”Okay. Scared of what?”

”I’m sitting right here. You two psycho can stop diagnosing me.”

”We’re asking,” Angela said. ”Because if you really want Tennessee, there’s nothing wrong with that. I would love you in New York with us, but I’m not going to pretend going to different colleges from Zac would be easy either.”

Roxie looked at her.

Angela hesitated before continuing. ”I looked up long distance relationships once when Caleb and I were talking about college. I don’t remember the exact percentage anymore, but it wasn’t exactly comforting. A lot of couples go into college thinking they’ll make it, and then schedules change, people meet new friends, they barely see each other and eventually...” She stopped when Roxie’s expression changed. ”Okay, maybe that wasn’t helpful.”

It wasn’t.

Roxie felt the fear physically before she could even organize the thought. Her stomach tightened and something pressed hard against her chest as her mind immediately gave her things she had never wanted to picture.

Zac in Tennessee while she was in New York. Different schools, different people, different lives. Football taking most of his time. Roxie would be busy with classes or work.

Phone calls getting pushed later because one of them had something to do. Weekends they promised to spend together getting cancelled. Zac meeting people she had never seen, while she did the same hundreds of miles away.

Then one day one of them saying they needed to talk.

Roxie closed her eyes for a moment because even imagining it made her feel sick.

”I can’t lose him.”

The words came out quieter than she meant them to.

Karen and Angela stopped talking.

Roxie rubbed her hand against the blanket and stared down at it because looking at either of them suddenly felt uncomfortable. ”I’m serious. I can’t lose Zac.”

Angela’s expression softened. ”Then why are you considering New York?”

That was the question Roxie couldn’t answer.

Karen leaned forward slightly. ”We want you with us. I want you there so badly that I already had my dad calling people, so obviously I’m biased. But I also know how you are with Zac. If you actually want Tennessee and you think New York could destroy something you care about, I’m not going to push you into coming with us just because I want my best friends together.”

Angela nodded. ”Neither am I.”

Roxie swallowed and looked back at Harrington. New York still looked exciting. Going there with Karen and Angela sounded like something she could love.

But the second she imagined actually choosing New York, she saw Zac leaving for Tennessee without her.

Her stomach tightened again.

Karen watched her quietly for a few seconds. ”You said you two got into a fight about this this morning.”

”It wasn’t a fight,” Roxie said, much quieter.

”You were upset.”

”We talked.”

”And you were upset.”

Roxie sighed because arguing about the definition wasn’t going to get her anywhere. ”I reacted badly. He was trying to help me figure out what I could do there, and I got pissed because he already has everything figured out while I don’t. That’s not his fault.”

Karen nodded slowly. ”Then maybe this isn’t really about Tennessee.”

Roxie looked at her.

”Maybe you’re scared because you finally have choices and you’ve never had them before. Fine. That makes sense. But whatever you’re scared of, you have to ask yourself whether it’s scarier than losing Zac.”

Roxie went quiet.

There were plenty of things about Tennessee that scared her. Moving somewhere new. Following Zac when she had no school waiting for her and no career planned. Depending on a relationship to shape such a huge part of her future. Waking up six months from now and wondering if she had chosen anything for herself.

But losing Zac?

That thought was worse.

She could feel the answer before she said it.

”Yeah.”

Karen waited.

Roxie rubbed her lips together and looked toward the empty side of the bed. ”Losing him is scarier.”

Angela let out a quiet breath. ”Then maybe you already know what you want.”

Roxie stared at Zac’s pillow. If she woke up one day with the pillow beside her empty, would that make New York worth it? Or would she hate herself?

And Roxie wanted the life together. Him beside her as they grow older. Together until they reach their goals together.

Maybe she had gotten so caught up in suddenly having choices that she had convinced herself choosing Zac meant she wasn’t choosing for herself.

She looked down at Harrington one last time.

New York with Angela and Karen would probably be amazing.

But the thought of Zac starting his life in Tennessee without her made her chest hurt in a way Harrington never could.

Roxie closed the website.

Karen and Angela both watched her, but neither of them smiled or celebrated.

Roxie stared at her home screen for a moment and let out the breath she had been holding. ”Thank you.”

Karen frowned. ”For what?”

”For making this worse until somehow it got better.”

”I’m taking that as a compliment.”

”It wasn’t.”

Angela smiled. ”So you’re choosing Tennessee?”

Roxie looked toward the bedroom door, thinking about Zac coming back later and the messages she had already sent him. They still needed to talk because she owed him that much after the way she had reacted that morning. She needed to tell him why she had panicked and why New York had gotten into her head in the first place.

But she didn’t need Harrington open anymore.

”Tennessee,” she said.

Karen nodded. ”Then talk to Zac when he gets back. Tell him everything you just told us instead of getting defensive and making him guess.”

Roxie rolled her eyes. ”I know how to communicate.”

Karen and Angela both stared at her.

”Fuck both of you.”

Angela laughed. ”We didn’t say anything.”

”You didn’t have to.”

Karen smiled and settled back against Angela’s headboard. ”For what it’s worth, if you change your mind later, New York is still there. I’m not deleting the school from existence just because you picked Tennessee today.”

”I know.”

”And if Zac annoys you enough, I’m reopening the application myself.”

”You’ll be blocked.”

”You love me.”

”I tolerate you.”

That made Angela laugh because Karen had used the exact same line with her yesterday.

They stayed on the call for a few more minutes before Angela started complaining that she needed breakfast and Karen announced she was starving too. Roxie eventually hung up, set her phone beside her and looked around the quiet bedroom.

Zac’s shirt was still on her body. His pillow was still dented beside her. Their bed too small for both of them but they still make it work. His things were scattered around the room because apparently he had slowly started treating the bungalow like half of it belonged to him.

Roxie smiled a little.

She wanted this.

She wanted him.

Whatever fear she had about Tennessee, she would figure it out without pretending she didn’t know what losing Zac would cost her.

So Roxie stayed in bed and waited for him to come home.