The Captain's Dirty Little Secret

Chapter 371: Chapter 371 - Just Looking

New York filled Roxie’s screen.

She stared at the picture across the top of Harrington University’s website longer than she needed to. Tall buildings surrounded the campus, students sat on wide stone steps with coffee cups and laptops, and behind them was enough of Manhattan to make the whole place feel completely different from anything Roxie had ever seriously pictured for herself.

She scrolled through the programs.

Business, arts, sciences, communication, education, general studies and about fifty other things she stopped reading halfway through because she had no idea what half of them would even lead to.

Roxie pulled the blanket higher over her legs and settled back against the headboard. Zac’s shirt still hung loose around her, and his side of the bed was empty except for the dent in his pillow.

She looked at it for a few seconds before going back to New York.

”Just looking,” she muttered.

It should have felt harmless.

Instead she started feeling guilty almost immediately.

The conversation that morning had been bothering her since Zac left. She had reacted badly. He had been trying to help and somehow she had turned it into something he was doing wrong just because he already knew what he wanted and she didn’t.

Zac wanted Tennessee.

He wanted football.

He wanted the scholarship.

And he wanted her there with him.

Roxie knew that better than anyone.

He wasn’t planning a life and casually telling her she could come along. He was planning their life. And that was why this felt worse.

Roxie rubbed a hand over her face and looked at the empty side of the bed again.

”I want Tennessee.”

She said it quietly, almost like she needed to hear herself say it.

She did want Tennessee.

She wanted the apartment they had been looking at. She wanted to complain about whatever kitchen Zac eventually picked. She wanted to wake up beside him there, wear his shirts, watch his games, come home to him. She wanted everything they had already talked about.

She wanted Zac.

So why the fuck was New York still open on her phone?

Roxie stared at Harrington again and felt even worse.

It wasn’t like Zac had brushed off her worries that morning either. When she asked what she was supposed to do in Tennessee, she knew and remembered talking about possibilities. Schools. Work. A gap year. Whatever she wanted until she figured herself out.

He wanted her there, but he was still trying to make sure she had something of her own there too. And Roxie had acted irritated because none of his answers magically told her what she wanted to do with her life.

That wasn’t fair.

She picked up her phone properly and opened their messages.

Her fingers hovered over the keyboard for a while before she typed.

We need to talk about college when you get back.

Roxie stared at the message after she sent it.

Fuck.

That sounded horrible.

She immediately typed another one.

Nothing bad. I just think we need to actually talk about it properly.

She sent that too and dropped the phone onto the blanket.

There.

Better.

Maybe.

Roxie looked at Harrington again.

”I want Tennessee,” she said one more time.

Except this time it sounded less convincing, and that pissed her off.

She had been so sure before. Tennessee with Zac had felt obvious because what else was there? She loved him. He loved her. He was going there. She had money now. They could get an apartment and figure everything else out together.

Then Karen mentioned New York.

Now apparently Roxie’s brain had decided it needed options.

She kept scrolling. There were pictures of residence halls, classrooms, students walking between buildings and a stupidly expensive looking dining hall. Roxie clicked the housing page out of curiosity, then closed it almost immediately when she caught herself comparing the rooms to the apartments she and Zac had saved.

That made her feel worse again.

Roxie groaned and covered her face.

”I’m just bored.”

Looking wasn’t choosing New York.

Looking wasn’t abandoning Tennessee.

Looking wasn’t telling Zac she had changed her mind.

She hadn’t changed her mind.

At least she didn’t think she had.

God.

She hated this.

Roxie went back to admissions.

Regular freshman applications were already closed.

She almost laughed.

There.

Problem solved.

Karen could stop bothering her. Roxie could close the website, Zac could come home, and they could actually talk about Tennessee without her acting like an asshole this time.

Then she saw another line underneath.

Late applications were still being reviewed for programs with remaining space.

Roxie frowned and scrolled back up.

She read it again.

”Of course.”

Her phone rang in her hand.

Karen.

Roxie stared at the name before answering. ”You’re creepy.”

Karen’s face appeared on the screen, hair tied messily on top of her head while she sat against what Roxie immediately recognized as Angela’s headboard.

”I knew it.”

”Knew what?”

”You opened it.”

”How would you know that?”

”You read my message and then disappeared for ten minutes.”

”That means nothing.”

Karen smiled. ”So how does New York look?”

Roxie rolled her eyes and switched the call to speaker before setting the phone against her knee. ”I said I was looking.”

”I didn’t hear you say anything.”

”I’m saying it now.”

”You’re looking.”

”Yes.”

”Good.”

”That’s it?”

”What do you want me to do, scream?”

”Yes, actually. That sounds more like you.”

Karen looked offended. ”I’m very calm.”

From somewhere off camera Angela’s sleepy voice said, ”You took a picture of me sleeping.”

Karen immediately looked away from the phone.

Roxie started laughing.

Angela appeared behind her a few seconds later with her hair sticking up on one side and grabbed Karen around the neck.

”You sent it to her?”

”You looked cute.”

”My mouth was open!”

”That was the cute part.”

Angela tried to grab the phone, but Karen twisted away. ”Stop. Roxie’s looking at Harrington.”

Angela froze before her face appeared beside Karen’s.

”You are?”

Roxie already regretted answering the call. ”I opened the website.”

Angela smiled. ”That counts.”

”It really doesn’t.”

”It counts to me.”

Roxie dropped her head against the wall. ”You two are exhausting.” 𝑓𝑟ℯℴ𝓂

Karen took the phone back. ”Did you see late admissions?”

”Yes.”

”And?”

”And regular admissions are closed.”

”Keep reading.”

”I did.”

Karen’s expression became annoyingly satisfied.

Roxie narrowed her eyes. ”Why are you smiling like that?”

”Because I already checked.”

”Of course you did.”

”They still review late applications where there’s space. General Studies has space. A few liberal arts programs too.”

Roxie looked back at the page. ”How do you know that?”

”My dad called.”

Roxie slowly looked at her.

Karen shrugged.

”You already had your dad call them?”

”I asked a question.”

”About me?”

”Yes.”

”Karen.”

”What?”

”I told you yesterday that Zac and I have plans for Tennessee.”

”And I heard you.”

”Then why are you calling your dad about New York?”

”Because applying somewhere isn’t the same thing as going there.”

Roxie opened her mouth and stopped.

Karen leaned closer to the camera. ”You have zero applications, Roxie.”

”I know.”

”That’s insane.”

”Thank you.”

”You’re graduating in like a month.”

”I know that too.”

”And you have money now, so that excuse is gone.”

Roxie looked away.

That one landed.

Months ago the entire conversation would have ended with money. There would have been no reason to look at New York because even if she somehow got accepted, she could never have paid for it.

Now she could.

That still felt strange.

Her father had changed the number in her account so completely that sometimes Roxie still checked it and expected the money to disappear. The trust meant she could pay tuition. She could live in New York. She could rent an apartment if she wanted. She could probably do things Karen and Angela had grown up assuming they would always be able to do.

Money had stopped deciding things for her.

Apparently that meant Roxie had to make the decisions herself now.

She hated that more than she expected.

”What exactly did your dad say?”

Karen smiled.

”That smile worries me.”

”He knows someone in admissions.”

”Of course he does.”

”My grandfather went there. My dad did too for two years before transferring. Our family has been involved with the school forever.”

Angela leaned into the screen again. ”Rich people stuff.”

Karen shoved her face away. ”Your family is rich too.”

”I never said we weren’t.”

Roxie laughed.

Karen continued, ”Anyway, he asked. Late applications are still possible. It doesn’t mean they’ll accept you. It means they’ll actually review it.”

”So your dad can get me in.”

”No.” Karen answered immediately. ”He can get them to look at you. You still have to get yourself in.”

Roxie liked that answer more than she expected.

She looked down at Harrington again.

”What would I even apply for?”

”Undeclared.”

Roxie looked up. ”That sounds like I already failed.”

Angela laughed somewhere beside Karen.

”It means you haven’t picked a major,” Karen said. ”Half the people going to college have no idea what they’re doing.”

”You do.”

”Because my parents have been discussing college with me since I was twelve.”

Angela appeared beside her again. ”Same.”

Roxie stared at both of them.

Karen’s expression softened. ”You never got that, Rox.”

That shut her up.

No.

She hadn’t.

Claire had never sat down with her and asked what she wanted to study. Nobody had taken Roxie on campus tours. Nobody made spreadsheets of schools or reminded her about deadlines or talked about dorms.

For most of high school, Roxie had been more concerned with making sure nobody knew what her house looked like. She had been busy surviving enough to make it through another day.

Then Tennessee happened.

Angela rested her chin on Karen’s shoulder. ”Just apply.”

Roxie looked at her.

”You don’t have to go,” Angela added. ”Just give yourself somewhere else you can go.”

Karen pointed at her. ”Exactly.”

Roxie looked back down at the website.

That sounded annoyingly reasonable.

It also made her feel guilty all over again.

Zac wanted her with him.

She knew exactly how much he wanted it. He talked about Tennessee like Roxie being there was already part of the deal. Their apartment. Their kitchen. Their stupid arguments about furniture. Their mornings. Their life.

And she wanted those things too.

So sitting here considering somewhere that would put hundreds of miles between them felt wrong even if she hadn’t actually done anything.

She glanced at their messages.

Still no answer.

He was probably busy with Dylan and the paperwork.

Roxie stared at the last message she had sent him.

Nothing bad. I just think we need to actually talk about it properly.

Good.

Because they did.

She wasn’t going to quietly apply to New York and tell Zac afterward.

She wasn’t going to pretend the plans they had already made together meant nothing.

If she was even going to consider this, he deserved to know.

Roxie scrolled until she found the application button.

Her thumb hovered over it.

Applying wasn’t choosing New York.

She knew that.

But she still couldn’t press it.

Not yet.

She wanted to talk to Zac first.