The Captain's Dirty Little Secret

Chapter 269: Chapter 269 - I Can’t Lose You

Zac looked down at the controller in his hands.

He loved Dylan.

That part was easy.

Dylan had been in his life since they were seven. Zac trusted him more than almost anyone. Even before his parents threw him out, Dylan had been one of the few people Zac could show up around without thinking about what version of himself he was supposed to be.

He could imagine Dylan still being there ten years from now without even trying.

Twenty.

That did not feel strange.

Dating him did.

Kissing him felt stranger.

Anything sexual made Zac’s brain practically stop because he had never once put Dylan into that category.

Dylan was Dylan.

His best friend.

Basically family.

Zac rubbed the back of his neck. How the fuck was Dylan attracted to him after knowing him this intimately? Zac almost felt bad for him. Then another thought hit. Had Dylan always known? He had a girlfriend a few months ago, didn’t he? Was Zac allowed to ask that? Was there some kind of etiquette for this?

Goddamn it. This was confusing.

”I don’t know what you want me to say. I...” He rubbed his hand on his face.

”I’m not asking for a fucking speech.”

”Good. Cause that shit’s not gonna happen.”

Dylan watched him for another moment before looking toward the screen. ”Is it really completely impossible?”

Zac went still.

There was an easy answer.

No.

Actually, there was an even easier one.

Yes, completely impossible.

One sentence and the whole conversation had a clean ending. Dylan would know. Zac would know. They could stop sitting here turning every year of their friendship into something that needed to be examined.

Zac opened his mouth.

Nothing came.

Because he had never thought about it.

That was the problem.

How the fuck was he supposed to know whether something was impossible when until five minutes ago he had never seriously considered the question?

”I don’t know.”

Dylan looked at him.

Something changed in his face.

Zac saw it immediately. ”Don’t.”

Dylan frowned. ”I didn’t say anything.”

”Your face did.”

That almost made Dylan smile.

Zac pointed at him. ”I’m not saying yes.”

”I know.”

”I’m serious.”

”So am I.”

Zac leaned back and looked toward the ceiling because apparently explaining this was going to require words he did not have.

”I met you when we were seven.”

”I remember.”

”You’ve always just been Dylan.”

”Wow. Romantic.”

”Shut up. You know what I mean.”

Dylan waited.

Zac tried again. ”You’re my best friend. That’s where you’ve always been in my head. I’ve never sat around wondering if I wanted to fucking date you.”

Dylan gave him a look. ”Good to know.”

”I’m trying to explain.”

”You’re still terrible at it.”

”I know.”

That got the smallest laugh out of Dylan.

Zac looked at him again. ”I never thought about kissing you. I never wondered if you liked me. None of that shit ever crossed my mind because why would it?”

Dylan’s expression stayed carefully neutral.

Then he asked, ”And now that you know?”

Zac stared at him.

There it was.

The question Zac had been trying to avoid since Dylan first confessed. He looked away. ”I don’t know.”

Dylan said nothing.

Zac could almost feel the answer sitting between them getting bigger than he intended it to. He didn’t want to hurt him.

”Fuck.”

He put the controller down. ”Look, I’m still in love with Roxie.”

”I know.”

”I mean really fucking in love with her.”

”I know, Zac.”

”I kissed her three days ago.”

That made Dylan’s eyes flick toward him.

Zac kept going because if he stopped now the whole thing would get even worse.

”She kissed me first, but I kissed her back. Then two days ago she walked into the coffee shop, got pissed because some girl talked to me, stormed out, and I followed her.”

Dylan’s mouth twitched.

Zac narrowed his eyes. ”What?”

”Nothing.”

”Say it.”

”You’re both idiots.”

”Yeah. Thanks.”

Dylan leaned back again.

Zac rubbed his hands together. ”I think about her constantly. I wake up wanting to text her. Every time something happens, she’s still the first person I want to tell. Half the time I’m walking somewhere I still catch myself thinking about going to her house.”

Dylan looked down.

Zac hated that because now he could actually imagine what hearing this might feel like for him.

Still, lying would be worse.

”I still want to go back.”

Dylan nodded once. ”I know that too.”

”So I don’t know what the fuck you expect me to figure out about you right now.”

Dylan looked up. ”I’m not asking you to figure it out tonight.”

Zac stopped. Something about that answer bothered him.

”I’m not asking you to wait either.”

”Okay.”

Zac studied him.

That had been too easy.

”I mean it.”

”I heard you.”

”Dylan.”

”What do you want me to say? That I’ll go find somebody tomorrow so you feel better?”

”No.”

”Then okay.”

Zac leaned back in the chair and exhaled. This conversation was giving him a fucking headache. ”Maybe there’s nothing there.”

Dylan’s eyes stayed on him.

Zac immediately knew he had chosen the wrong word.

”Maybe?”

”You know what I mean.”

”I actually don’t.”

Zac rubbed a hand over his face. ”I mean I could think about this for a week and realize the answer is obvious and I only see you as my friend.”

Dylan nodded slowly.

”That could happen,” Zac added.

”I know.”

”I just can’t tell you what something is when I’ve never even thought about it before.”

Dylan went quiet.

Zac watched him, suddenly aware of exactly how badly that sentence could be heard if Dylan wanted hope from it.

He leaned forward.

”I’m really not promising anything.”

”I know.”

”You keep saying that.”

”Because I know.”

Zac studied his face for another few seconds.

He wanted to believe him.

More than anything, Zac wanted this conversation to end without either of them walking away feeling like their friendship had suddenly become conditional.

That was the part that scared him.

The romantic shit was confusing.

Losing Dylan was terrifying.

Zac looked down at his hands.

”I can’t lose you too.”

Dylan’s expression changed.

Zac hated how fucking vulnerable the sentence sounded, but there was no taking it back now.

”My parents are gone. Nathan...” Zac stopped because he still had no idea what the fuck to call anything involving his brother anymore. ”Roxie’s gone. I can’t have this turn into another thing where we fuck each other up and then suddenly you’re gone too.”

”You’re not losing me.”

Zac looked at him.

Dylan said it easily. Like there was nothing complicated about it.

Zac swallowed. ”Even if I never...”

The rest of the sentence refused to come out.

Dylan understood anyway. ”Yeah.”

Zac stared at him. ”No weird shit?”

Dylan laughed. ”There’s already weird shit.”

”You know what I mean.”

”Yeah.”

”You’re sure?”

Dylan picked up the controller again. ”Zac, I’ve known you since you ate glue.”

”I never ate glue.”

”You absolutely ate glue.”

”I was eight.”

”See. You remembered and that isn’t a defense.”

Zac laughed despite himself.

Dylan looked at him. ”You’re my best friend too, asshole.”

Something in Zac’s chest finally eased.

He picked his controller back up. For the first time since the conversation started, he felt like maybe this was survivable.

Dylan returned to the character selection screen. ”Can we finish the fucking game now?”

Zac looked at him. ”You’re really gonna act normal after that?”

”You wanted normal.”

”Yeah.”

”So shut up and pick somebody.”

Zac smiled and chose his character.

The next match started.

For a few minutes it almost worked.

Zac focused on the screen. Dylan immediately started talking shit again. Zac told him to fuck off. Dylan accused him of using the same move repeatedly because he had no skill.

Then Dylan leaned over to grab the water bottle sitting near Zac’s chair.

Their shoulders bumped.

Both of them stopped.

Barely a second.

Still enough.

Dylan straightened and moved back toward his side of the couch.

Zac looked at the television.

Fuck.

Apparently normal was going to take some work.

He cleared his throat and kept playing.

Dylan did the same.

Neither mentioned it.

A few rounds later, Dylan beat him again and leaned back with an annoyingly satisfied grin.

”You’re fucking terrible tonight.”

”I’m distracted.”

”Sounds like an excuse.”

”It is.”

Dylan laughed and started setting up another match before glancing toward Zac.

”You really never thought about it?”

Zac frowned. ”About what?”

Dylan gave him a look.

”Oh.” Zac shifted the controller in his hands. ”No.”

”Never?”

”Never.”

Dylan looked back toward the television.

”Huh.”

Zac frowned. ”What?”

”Nothing.”

For a second Zac considered asking what that meant.

Then he remembered how well asking questions had gone tonight.

Fuck it.

He chose his character and let the next match start.

As far as Zac was concerned, he had made everything clear.

He loved Roxie.

He still wanted Roxie.

He had never thought about Dylan that way before, and maybe when he finally did, there would be nothing there. Dylan had his own life to live, and Zac had asked him for nothing except the same friendship they had always had.

Most importantly, Dylan was staying.

Right now, that was enough.