The Captain's Dirty Little Secret

Chapter 212: Chapter 212 - Just Go

Roxie had seen Zac’s truck before she climbed onto Ethan’s motorcycle.

It sat across the parking lot with the headlights off, far enough from the grill that Zac probably thought nobody would notice him. Roxie noticed because he had told her in Chemistry that he would wait after work.

He had been there while she and Ethan went through the college papers. He had watched through the windows instead of coming inside.

When Ethan offered her the second helmet, Roxie looked directly toward the truck.

Zac did not move.

She accepted the helmet.

Part of her knew she was being cruel. Zac had finally come after two days of silence, and she could have walked across the parking lot and demanded an explanation.

She wanted him to be the one who crossed the distance.

When he stayed inside the truck, Roxie climbed behind Ethan and wrapped her hands around the sides of his jacket.

She wanted Zac to see.

The motorcycle stopped outside the bungalow several minutes later. Roxie released Ethan’s jacket and climbed off, her legs stiff from the cold ride.

A familiar pair of headlights turned onto the street.

Zac had followed them.

Relief rushed through her before she could stop it. She had wanted him angry enough to come after her, and he had.

Then the truck stopped several houses away.

Zac stayed behind the windshield.

Roxie removed the helmet and pushed her hair from her face. He could sit outside the grill for almost an hour and follow Ethan across town, but sending one message over the weekend had apparently been impossible.

Ethan looked over his shoulder. ”That him?”

”Yeah.”

”You knew he was outside the grill, didn’t you?”

Roxie handed him the helmet. ”He said he’d wait.”

”And you still got on my bike.”

”He could’ve come inside.”

Ethan glanced toward the truck. ”You were trying to make him mad.”

Roxie held out her hand for the college folder. ”Just give me that.”

Ethan opened the storage compartment and passed it to her. ”You both need to stop acting insane.”

”I can handle Zac.”

”He’s a giant.”

”He isn’t going to fight me.”

Ethan looked toward the truck again. ”Text me when you get inside.”

”I will.”

”I mean it.”

Roxie tucked the folder against her chest. ”Go before he decides this is your fault.”

Ethan pulled away slowly and checked behind him before turning at the corner.

Roxie stayed near the porch.

She could have entered the bungalow and locked the door. Instead, she watched Zac’s truck because she wanted him to get out and come to her.

Zac climbed out and walked toward the bungalow while pushing a hand through his hair. He stopped at the beginning of the walkway.

”You knew I was outside.”

Roxie adjusted the folder against her chest. ”Yeah.”

His jaw tightened. ”Then why did you get on his motorcycle?”

”That’s what you came here to ask?”

”I wanted to make sure he brought you home.”

Roxie stared at him. ”You knew where he was bringing me.”

”That isn’t the point.”

”What is the point, Zac?”

”You knew I was there, and you still left with him.”

Roxie had wanted the jealousy. Hearing it in his voice gave her the reassurance she had been searching for since Saturday.

He still wanted her.

She covered the feeling with anger. ”You knew where I was Saturday, and you still left me waiting.”

”I said I screwed up.”

”You said that at school and then followed me around instead of talking to me.”

”You walked away every time I came near you.” Zac looked toward the bungalow and rubbed the back of his neck. ”I stayed at Kyle’s longer than I planned.”

”You were supposed to pick me up at six.”

”I lost track of time.”

”You knew what time I finished.”

”I drank more than I thought. I couldn’t drive.”

”You could text.”

”I know.”

”You keep saying that.”

”Because I know I should’ve texted.”

”You didn’t even ask if I got home.”

Zac’s mouth tightened. ”You said you had another ride.”

”I said that because you had spent the whole morning acting like you couldn’t wait to get away from me.”

”I was trying to give you space.”

”I didn’t want space.”

”You told me you did.”

”I wanted you to come anyway.” She screamed at him. ”I want you to come and take me home safely like any good boyfriend.”

The truth left Roxie before she could pull it back.

Zac stared at her. ”You could have told me. You told me the opposite.” He said calmly.

”Don’t you fucking dare pin this on me.”

”I’m not.” His attention returned to the folder.

”Did he drive you home Sunday too?”

Roxie could have refused to answer. She wanted him to know.

”Yes.”

His expression changed.

The satisfaction that moved through Roxie was small and ugly, but she let herself feel it. She had spent Saturday night wondering whether one of the girls at the party had taken her place. Zac could wonder about Ethan for a while.

”You let him take you home?” he asked.

”You didn’t.”

”I would’ve picked you up.”

”You never called.”

”You could’ve called me.”

Roxie laughed. ”You really want this to be my fault.”

”I never said that.”

”You keep telling me what I could’ve done.”

”Because you knew I was waiting tonight and still got on his bike.”

Roxie lifted her chin. ”Maybe I wanted you to see.”

Zac became still.

The words hung between them.

”You did that to piss me off?”

”Maybe.”

”Why?”

”Because you left me waiting. Because you stood around girls all Saturday and acted like I didn’t exist Sunday.”

”I was just hanging out with my friends.”

”I’m glad you had fun.”

”That isn’t what I meant.”

”It’s what happened. You had fun while I sat at home waiting for you.”

Zac stepped closer. ”So you used Ethan to get back at me.”

”I was just hanging out with my friend.” She repeated his words back.

”You wanted me jealous.”

Roxie met his eyes. ”At least jealousy gets your attention.”

The answer hurt him. She saw it in the way his face went blank before his jaw tightened again.

Roxie could have taken it back.

She remembered the empty message thread and left it there.

Zac looked at the folder pressed against her chest. ”What were you doing with him after work?”

”You already know.”

”You went back for the college papers.”

Roxie tightened her arms around the folder. ”Are you going to make this all about you again?”

Zac’s jaw locked. ”I told you I didn’t want you planning anything with him.”

A bitter laugh escaped her. ”This is fun.”

”What is?”

”You deciding what I’m allowed to do. Why stop at college? You can tell me what to wear, what to eat, and what I’m allowed to drink too.”

”I’m not trying to control you.”

”That’s what it feels like.”

”I don’t trust him.”

”You don’t trust me.”

”That isn’t what I said.”

”It’s always what you mean.”

Zac dragged a hand over his face and released a long breath. The anger left his expression for a moment, replaced by something that looked closer to exhaustion.

The change made Roxie angrier.

She could handle him shouting. She could handle the jealousy and the way his eyes followed the folder against her chest. Seeing him look tired made her feel like he had already decided the argument was no longer worth having.

”Are you going to walk away again?” she asked.

Zac’s hand dropped. ”What?”

”You heard me.”

”Why do you always ask that?”

”Because you keep doing it.”

”I walked away once.”

”You left me Saturday. You ignored me Sunday. You sat across the parking lot tonight instead of coming inside.”

”I was trying to stop another fight.”

”You were avoiding me.”

”We needed space.”

”You,” She pointed at him, eyes sharp, ”needed space.”

”Roxie, look at us. We’re standing outside yelling again.”

”So that means you get to leave?”

”I didn’t say I was leaving.”

”You sighed and looked at me like you were already tired of this.”

”I am tired of fighting.”

Her throat tightened. ”Then you’re tired of me.”

”That isn’t the same thing.”

”It feels the same.”

Zac stared at her. ”Why does everything turn into me leaving you?”

”Because you always look like you want to.”

”I’m standing right here.”

”For how long?”

His expression changed again, but Roxie was already too angry to stop.

”You followed me because you saw Ethan,” she said. ”You didn’t come because you missed me. You came because somebody else brought me home.”

”That isn’t true.”

”You watched me leave with him and suddenly you remembered you had a girlfriend.”

”I never forgot you.”

”You had two days to prove that.”

”I know.”

”Stop saying you know.”

”What do you want me to say?”

”I want you to say why.”

Zac looked toward the road, then back at her. ”I messed up.”

”That isn’t why.”

”I drank too much and lost track of time.”

”And Sunday?”

”I didn’t know what to say.”

”You could’ve said anything.”

”I thought you hated me.”

Roxie laughed through the pressure building in her chest. ”So you ignored me until I hated you more?”

”I was scared we’d start fighting again.”

”We are fighting again.”

”Exactly.”

He sounded frustrated. Roxie heard only defeat.

There it was again. The part where Zac decided the conversation had become too difficult and started looking toward the truck.

”Just go,” she said.

Zac stared at her. ”What?”

”You want space so badly? Take it.”

”I never said that.”

”Go back to your truck.”

”Roxie.”

”Go.”

She turned toward the bungalow before he could see her eyes filling.

The college folder shook against her chest. Roxie gripped it harder and climbed onto the porch.

Just leave me.

The thought came before she could stop it.

Everyone leaves me anyway.

Her mother had left without saying goodbye. Zac had Tennessee waiting for him, and every time being with Roxie became difficult, he found another reason to step away.

”Fucking go!” she shouted without turning around.

Her voice broke on the final word.

Roxie reached the door and fumbled for the key. She could barely see the lock through the tears burning her eyes.

Footsteps crossed the walkway behind her.

She expected Zac to say something. Another apology, another explanation about needing space, or another promise that he would speak to her tomorrow.

Instead, his arms closed around her.

Roxie stiffened.

Zac held her from behind, one arm around her waist and the other across her chest. His grip stayed careful, leaving her arms free.

She should have pulled away.

She had spent two days furious with him. She had taken Ethan’s ride because she wanted Zac to hurt. Minutes earlier, she had accused him of trying to control her.

The moment his chest pressed against her back, the fight drained out of her.

Roxie dropped the folder onto the porch railing and turned inside his arms.

Zac pulled her against him.

Her face pressed into his shirt as the first sob escaped. She hated how quickly she melted into him. She hated that his arms still felt like the safest place she had, even after he was the reason she had spent the weekend crying.

”I’m sorry,” he whispered against her hair. ”I messed up so bad.”

Roxie held the sides of his jacket.

”You left me.”

”I know.”

”You didn’t even text.”

”I know. I should’ve called.”

”I thought you were with somebody else.”

Zac pulled back enough to see her face. ”I wasn’t.”

”You were surrounded by girls.”

”I turned them down. I swear nothing happened.”

Roxie looked away, but Zac touched her cheek and guided her face back toward him.

”I only want you.”

Her tears continued falling.

”You didn’t act like it.”

”I was scared.”

”Of what?”

Zac hesitated.

Roxie almost pulled away again, but his arms tightened carefully around her waist.

”I saw your wrist Saturday morning,” he said. ”I kept thinking about how I grabbed you.”

Roxie looked at him.

”I knew you were sorry.”

”That didn’t make it disappear.”

”I told you we both got carried away.”

”At the bungalow, yeah. The grill was different.”

The answer surprised her.

Zac looked down at the porch between them. ”You told me I was hurting you, and I still held on. Then I woke up and saw the bruises.”

”Zac.”

”I kept thinking about my dad.”

Roxie stopped trying to wipe her tears.

”What about him?”

”The way he gets when he’s mad. He grabs people and acts like they made him do it. He always has some reason why it wasn’t his fault.”

”You apologized.”

”So does he sometimes.”

The words came out quietly.

Roxie touched the front of Zac’s shirt. ”You’re not your father.”

”It felt like I was turning into him.”

”You aren’t.”

”I didn’t trust myself.”

She stared at him. ”That’s why you wouldn’t touch me?”

Zac nodded. ”Every time I looked at you, I saw your wrist. I thought if we argued again, I might do something worse.”

Roxie thought about the way he had moved away from her hug and sat across the table. She had spent the entire weekend believing he regretted touching her because he no longer wanted her.

”You should’ve told me.”

”I didn’t know how.”

”You could’ve tried.”

”I know.”

Roxie frowned.

Zac gave a weak breath that almost became a laugh. ”Sorry.”

She leaned her forehead against his chest.

”I thought you didn’t want me anymore.”

His arms tightened around her. ”I wanted you the whole time. I was scared of myself.”

Roxie closed her eyes.

She understood fear. She understood wanting somebody so badly that every bad choice felt better than watching them walk away.

Zac rested his cheek against the top of her head.

”I won’t do it again,” he said. ”I swear.”

Roxie wanted to believe him.

She hated how badly she needed to believe him.

”Can you forgive me?” he asked.

Her fingers curled into his jacket.

”You really hurt me.”

”I know.”

”And you left me alone after.”

”I’m sorry.”

Roxie stayed against him until her breathing began to settle. Zac kept holding her without rushing her to answer.

”Can we go inside?” she whispered.

He nodded and kissed the tears beneath one of her eyes before reaching for the college folder.

Roxie unlocked the door.

Zac followed her into the bungalow and closed it behind them. Before she could move farther inside, he pulled her close again and pressed his mouth against her forehead.

”I missed you so much,” he said.