Harry Potter: Most Annoying System Ever

Professor Sprout practically floated down the corridors, her cheerful chatter about the resilience of Mandrakes a stark contrast to the oppressive silence of the late-night castle. Orion offered polite nods and monosyllabic agreements until they finally reached the blank stretch of stone wall concealing the Slytherin common room.

”Get straight to bed, Mr. Malfoy,” Sprout instructed firmly, patting him on the shoulder one last time. ”You’ve had a remarkably taxing evening. The dungeons are secure.”

”Thank you, Professor,” Orion replied smoothly. ”Goodnight.”

He gave the password and stepped through the grinding stone door. The common room was a sanctuary of dark green shadows and dying embers, entirely devoid of students. He made his way to the second-year boys’ dormitory, pushing the heavy oak door open with a quiet creak.

The room was exactly as he had left it hours ago: a symphony of snoring. Draco was sprawled diagonally across his mattress, completely oblivious to the fact that a thousand-year-old monster had just been executed beneath his feet. Crabbe and Goyle were engaged in a low, rumbling duet of sleep apnea.

Orion walked to his own bed, closing the heavy velvet curtains and casting a robust, silent Silencio charm around his perimeter. He sank onto the mattress, leaning his back against the headboard, his breath finally hitching slightly as the adrenaline of the Ministry raid began to drain from his system.

”Mission accomplished,” Sparkle’s interface bloomed into existence, glowing a bright, celebratory gold in the dim light of the enclosure. ” I’d say it’s time to clock out, unless you wish to check the boat load of achievements you have acquired.”

Orion stared at the blue screen for a long, quiet moment. He reached up and unclasped his heavy winter cloak, tossing it onto the foot of the bed.

”No,” Orion sighed, shaking his head slowly. ”No sleeping. Not yet.”

”Huh?” Sparkle’s waveform spiked in genuine confusion. ”What are you talking about? The boss is dead. The achievement is logged. You even get a share of the Basilisk parts without having to gut the thing yourself. What else is there?”

”A share,” Orion scoffed softly, his eyes narrowing with cold, calculating pragmatism. ”Yes, I will get a share. But there are things I will never get from official Ministry channels, no matter how much I contributed to the kill. Things they will restrict, catalog, and lock away in the Department of Mysteries.”

”Like what?”

”Venom,” Orion stated flatly. ”Raw, unadulterated Basilisk venom.”

He leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees. ”At best, Amelia Bones will authorize the release of a few de-venomized fangs, perhaps a square yard of scale-hide for armor crafting, and maybe a piece of bones. They will cite ’public safety’ and hoard the biological weapons for themselves. I need that venom, Sparkle. It is arguably the most destructive substance in the magical world. It destroys Horcruxes. It dissolves almost any known material. It is an absolute necessity for my future operations.”

”And how exactly do you plan to get it?” Sparkle challenged, her interface flashing a warning yellow. ”The entrance is guarded by a rotating squad of Aurors. The Chamber itself is likely sealed with Ministry wards until morning. You can’t just stroll back down there.”

Orion smiled, a sharp, predatory grin that reached his eyes.

”I don’t need to walk,” Orion murmured. He focused his intent on the empty space near his trunk. ”Dobby.”

With a faint, almost inaudible pop, the house-elf materialized within the silenced curtains. Dobby looked exhausted, his large ears drooping slightly, but his tennis-ball eyes were bright and alert.

”Master Orion calls Dobby?” the elf squeaked softly, recognizing the need for stealth.

”Where have you been since the bathroom, Dobby?” Orion asked, needing to confirm his operative’s timeline.

”Dobby stayed with Master!” Dobby reported proudly, standing up straighter. ”Dobby followed Master in the shadows until the big group of important Ministry people arrived at the Headmaster’s office. Dobby did not follow after that, because the Ministry wizards have sneaky eyes that look for magic.”

”A wise decision,” Orion nodded approvingly. Dobby had undoubtedly witnessed his brief, intense duel with Harry Potter, but the elf knew better than to comment on it.

”Listen to me carefully, Dobby,” Orion said, his voice dropping to a low, commanding whisper. ”The Ministry team successfully killed the creature inside the Chamber of Secrets. The threat is neutralized.”

Dobby gasped, his hands flying to his mouth. ”The big snake is dead? Master is safe?”

”Master is very safe,” Orion confirmed. ”Which means... we can now Apparate directly inside the Chamber without alerting the beast, and without triggering the Headmaster’s wards, because, I have learned effectively that the chamber is within the wards of Hogwarts.”

Dobby blinked, his ears perking up as the logic of the plan settled in. ”Because the monster is gone, popping inside is safe!”

”Exactly,” Orion said. He didn’t wait for further confirmation.

He slid off the bed, opening his trunk and quickly retrieving a small, reinforced leather case containing a dozen empty, lead-lined crystal vials. He shoved the case into his inner robe pocket.

Next, he reached into the small, rock-shaped habitat on his nightstand.

Robin the Niffler was curled into a tight, black ball, snoring softly amidst a pile of brass buttons. Orion scooped the creature up without ceremony and stuffed him securely into the expanded, magical pocket of his robes.

”No shiny,” Robin mumbled sleepily, twitching his snout.

”Quiet,” Orion commanded softly, tapping the pocket to ensure it was sealed. He turned back to Dobby.

”Before we go,” Orion paused, a crucial detail from the bathroom confrontation surfacing in his mind. ”I noticed something when the Ministry team approached the entrance. Potter mentioned dropping his Invisibility Cloak near the bathroom during our... disagreement.”

He looked sharply at the elf. ”But when the Aurors arrived, the floor was clear. There was no cloak lying in the puddles. Do you know what happened to it?”

Dobby looked slightly guilty, shuffling his feet and wringing his tea towel.

”Dobby collected the shiny blanket, Master Orion,” the elf admitted in a hushed squeak. ”It belongs to the great Harry Potter, sir! Dobby didn’t want it ruined in the wet room!”

Orion stared at the elf for a solid three seconds, torn between disbelief and profound admiration for Dobby’s sheer, unadulterated efficiency.

”You stole a Deathly Hallow from a crime scene to keep it from getting muddy,” Orion summarized flatly.

”Dobby was protecting it!”

”Best give it to me, Dobby,” Orion held out a hand, his face perfectly impassive. ”I will ensure it is returned to him safely later. It is far too valuable to be left lying around.”

Dobby hesitated for a fraction of a second, then nodded vigorously. He snapped his fingers and produced a bundle of silvery, fluid fabric that seemed to weave in and out of visual reality, shimmering like liquid moonlight.

Orion took the Cloak of Invisibility. The fabric felt strange—cool, impossibly light, and humming with an ancient, ancient magic that made the hairs on his arms stand up.

”Inventory,” Orion whispered.

The Cloak vanished from his hands instantly, securely locked away in his sub-space grid alongside the Diary of Tom Riddle. Two of the most powerful, dangerous artifacts in the castle were now sitting comfortably in his digital pocket.

”You are a loot goblin of apocalyptic proportions,” Sparkle noted with a mixture of awe and exasperation.

”I am merely securing vital resources,” Orion corrected mentally.

He turned his attention back to the primary mission. He crouched down, offering his hand to the house-elf.

”Grip my fingers, Dobby,” Orion instructed. ”Take me directly to the main room of the Chamber. The large cavern with the statue.”

Dobby’s long, spindly fingers wrapped tightly around Orion’s hand.

”How will you pinpoint the location?” Orion asked, genuinely curious about the mechanics of elven spatial navigation within an unmapped, subterranean fortress.

”Dobby does not need to search the dark pipes, Master,” Dobby smiled, his large eyes glowing with innate magical power. ”Dobby will use Master’s memory of the place! It is much faster than guessing!”

Orion barely had time to process the casual admission of targeted Legilimency before the world warped.

The bone-crushing squeeze of elven Apparition hit him instantly, compressing his lungs and stealing his breath.

With a muffled, echoing CRACK, the quiet darkness of the Slytherin dormitory vanished, replaced instantaneously by the damp, foul-smelling, cavernous gloom of the Chamber of Secrets.